I couldn’t stop crying. I didn’t think it would hurt this much. I thought I would be used to it by now, but this time the cut felt deep.

She was my friend. We had prayed together during difficult seasons and celebrated at our kids’ birthday parties. But when she decided to leave our church, she didn’t mention it to me. She unfollowed me on Instagram, unfriended me on Facebook, and unsubscribed from everything that connected me to her.

The reason she left had nothing to do with me, and she didn’t want to talk to me about it. But the message was loud and clear: I don’t want you or your church in my life. The weight of rejection slowly began to break me.

But I was the pastor’s wife, so I had to be strong and smile. I didn’t have a place to share my emotions and process the situation. I wanted to look unfazed because this type of rejection is part of ministry. People come and go all the time, but this felt different because the person was actually my friend. She didn’t just leave our church. She left me.

Sometimes people will just walk out with no warning and no resolution. It bothers me to have things left unresolved. We prefer if our conflicts can be wrapped up with a pretty bow, but sometimes there is no closure. When my friend wouldn’t have a conversation to close the chapter on our friendship, I felt a surge of anxiety. My mind raced through possible reasons she couldn’t talk — but I came up empty.

I went through a season of anger because I felt it was unfair. Then weeks of grief left me numb.

Come Sit with Me and Learn Together

We come into the world wanting to be held, loved, and seen. So when we feel rejected, we usually also feel alone and try to protect ourselves. This can lead to mistrust, avoiding vulnerability, and striving to win approval.

In the aftermath of my friend’s rejection, I began to put up my guard in every future relationship. I told myself that as a pastor’s wife, I should hold everyone at arm’s length and never again let anyone close enough to hurt me so deeply.

Immediately after I made this decision, the Holy Spirit impressed these words on my heart: “That is not the way I love you!”

I argued, “If I want to survive in ministry for the long haul, I have to protect myself from people hurting and leaving me.” Then He gently reminded me, “Simi, you hurt Me, you ignore Me, and you have rejected My voice, but I still love you the same. If you want to lead My people, you have to love them like I do — that is what it means to be a shepherd.”

I felt something shift, and I surrendered the pain to Jesus. I released my friend and my unforgiveness to God. That day, I decided to keep my heart soft and my people close. It may be difficult and I may get hurt again, but I will remain vulnerable enough to love God’s people. He will defend and protect my heart.

I decided I would not try to avoid rejection — that would require living as a hermit. Instead I would rest in the finished work of Christ who calls me accepted and approved. When rejection comes, I stand firm in the unchanging truth of God’s Word and continue living authentically without needing to prove my worth to others.

This experience helped me understand that relationships have seasons. People come and go. Our preferences change as we grow, so a person’s choice isn’t necessarily a reflection on us. What if we chose not to take it personally when friendships shift? Sometimes we bear the brunt of another’s unhappiness, but that doesn’t mean we’re the cause.

We have to allow the other person space to process instead of rushing to fix the issue. Relationships will always be risky, but that is true of everything worth our investment. God has called us to relationship with Him and others. God walks with me. I lean on Him for wisdom on how to set boundaries, when to be vulnerable, and how to forgive.

Maybe for you it’s a family member who left, a friend who ghosted you, or a boss who overlooked you. Whatever the source of the rejection, the pain is real. Sometimes there is no solution, but you still have a choice in how you respond.

Paul writes, “Live in harmony with each other… Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone” (Romans 12:16–18 NLT).

While we are responsible for our actions, we aren’t responsible for how others respond. You can behave honorably even when someone treats you unfairly. You may do all you can to live in peace, but they still may not desire a relationship with you. You might not have closure, but you can have internal peace.

Even Jesus was rejected. Many times in the Gospels, we see Him walking away in silence, and He teaches His disciples to “shake off the dust from your feet” when faced with rejection (Matthew 10:14 ESV). To live at peace with those who have rejected us, we have to learn to shake it off.

Friend, if you are hurting today, if you are feeling the sting of rejection or the pain of a broken relationship, be assured of this: God sees you, and He is working through you.

Written by Simi John, adapted from (in)courage’s popular book, Come Sit with Me. Grab your copy for deep encouragement from your favorite (in)courage writers as we learn together How to Delight in Differences, Love through Disagreements, and Live with Discomfort.

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