I really had something else in mind to share with you, on this, my first (in)courage post. However, this thing called life had other plans, which really means that I once again told God my plans and He laughed. That is the running joke around our place: how do you make God laugh? Tell Him your plans!
I really wanted to kick back and tell you about our crazy, wonderful, blessed life. Cows, horses, rescue dogs, writing, photography, scrapbooking, homeschooling, working, loving and laughing.
But I am really struggling and in my struggles I’ve been having conversations with God that go something like this…
I say, Oh Lord, I feel stretched so thin, don’t I need to be stronger?
God reminds me that stretched thin lets His light shine through me.
I say, Oh Lord, my faith is full of holes and tears, I want to be more solid.
God reminds me that holes and tears let His light shine through me.
I say, Oh Lord, I feel so small and I am afraid!
God reminds me that in my smallness His grace is seen bigger.
God reminds me that I can rest on Him and leave my fears with Him.
I fear that my words will be lost in the noise of the our lives. Not that my words are important on their own, they are not. They are only important when God chooses to use them to share His love.
Forgetting that sometimes it is our tears and our fears that have the greatest story to tell for the ending is better than all the blockbusters combined. It is eternal, joyful and beautiful! It is us, tear stained and scarred and scared leaning on each other seeking the Son-light like a field of sunflowers seeking to follow the sun.
Forgetting that sometimes it is those very tears and fears that can show the grace and love of God best of all. Tears shed in frustration during struggles with family, wanting to find the words, to find your voice, small, medium and large sized challenges with work or children or spouses.
Wanting to share so much the blessings that make my life one of love, laughter and joy, I forgot that God also wants to use my scars, my fears and my struggles to show how He works in my life. I forgot that God can turn tears into rain to water seeds that fall on hard ground, on thorny ground, on rough ground.
I forgot that I am not alone, even when it feels like I’m full of holes, stretched too thin and much too small to be seen or heard. I forgot that by grace alone I am saved and that grace comes from a single Source.
Tonight I can go to bed, and I can pray with a thankful heart that I am not alone, that my holes are filled with God’s love, that even when I feel stretched too thin I am not alone, that God strengthens me for the tasks at hand. I can be thankful for being small. For in this world small doesn’t mean forgotten, it means when you feel forgotten by (wo)man, you are always remembered by God.