The Impossible

the impossible-01

There are many days where we do just fine. We have a rhythm that works.  Eggs are scrambled and coffee is poured. We cuddle on the couch and I pat David’s back or give Matthias soft scratches. There are baths with bubbles and clean clothes folded in drawers. The house is tidy {enough} and we have time to run and play in the park.

But woven in between the mundane, beautiful moments of the everyday are moments of anger and frustration. They sneak up on me when I least expect it.

the impossible-03

Last week I found myself taking a look around the house and feeling a satisfied contentment with the imperfect. I’d had a productive morning of washing sheets, remaking beds and packing up too-small clothing to give to a thrift store. As I sat on the couch feeling like I had a hold on life, David pushed a toy off the table and it landed hard on my toe.

And I lost it. I screamed. Anger flooded my body and I wanted to break something. What happened to that calm, together person I was just a moment ago?! I felt out of control. I walked up the stairs and flung myself on the bed. Tears flowed and I felt angry, hopeless and broken. It’s impossible. I’ll never be good enough. I am a failure as a mother.

Mothering is difficult. It takes everything you have and demands more. Mothering a special needs child may be an even greater demand. When I’m done, finished and empty, there is more to do. In moments of emptiness and fatigue I find myself needy and desperate. And I find God meeting me there, with grace for that moment. Where I am weak, He is strong.

20140710__LisaLeonard_NeedforGod

I need the beautiful, mundane moments to soak up life and see His blessings. I need the broken, desperate moments to see my need for God.

Will you join me in this messy, imperfect journey?  I suspect we all find ourselves broken, desperate and needy from time to time. Can I remind you that God will meet you today with His beautiful grace that covers over a multitude of sins? And you can remind me that when I am weakest, His strength will carry me. What is impossible for you and I, is entirely possible for Him.

That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses,
and in the insults, hardships, persecutions,
and troubles that I suffer for Christ.
For when I am weak, then I am strong.
{2 Corinthians 12:10}

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  • http://walkingwellwithgod.blogspot.com Bev Duncan @ Walking Well With God

    Lisa,
    Motherhood, I believe, is one of the highest yet one of the hardest callings. It is not for the faint of heart. Motherhood also is a progressive drawing near to God because nothing will test your patience, your worth, your self-esteem like motherhood. On days when I reach the end of my rope and pray aloud, “Lord save my children from me,” that’s when He reaches down and draws me into Himself. As you put it so well, “I need the broken, desperate moments to see my need for God.” Motherhood is also a job that doesn’t end. Even with my children being 25 and 21, God still uses my trials with them to draw me close. It’s heart wrenching yet beautiful at the same time. You are doing beautifully with the job God has given you to do! Welcome to the imperfect moms club. Well done good and faithful servant…
    Blessings,
    Bev

    • http://lisaleonardonline.com/blog lisa leonard

      So true Bev–heartwrenching and beautiful. xoxo

  • http://greeneyedcountrygirl.com Anna Hettick

    Oh how I love this post. It speaks to me directly because I too, like all mothers, have been there, happy and content in the moment (dare I say even secure in my motherhood-ship), yet in the next instant I can scream and rage over something that is really nothing. I Thank the Lord each day that He is so forgiving, I Thank the Lord each day that my dear sweet children are just as forgiving as well.

    Thank you, for keeping motherhood real.

    • http://lisaleonardonline.com/blog lisa leonard

      Yes! Sweet words, Anna! Thank you for being honest and real. It’s nice to know we’re in this together!

  • http://motheringfromscratch.com Mothering From Scratch

    {Kathy} I will, indeed, join you in this journey! It’s a strange and beautiful one that only God knows how much is shaping our character to be more like Him. Thank you for your transparency and boldness to speak out to these issues.

    • http://lisaleonardonline.com/blog lisa leonard

      Thank you! xoxo

  • http://www.leahadams.org Leah Adams

    Beautiful reminder that Jesus is in each moment…magnificent or mundane…He is there. Blessings to you.

    • http://lisaleonardonline.com/blog lisa leonard

      So true. He meets us and He is gracious. I’m so thankful.

  • Lynda-Sue

    Praise The King! Thank you for sharing and encouraging us:).

  • http://www.nancyaruegg.com Nancy Ruegg

    Such wisdom to recognize our need for mundane moments that give us opportunity to soak up life and see God’s blessings. We often move too fast and the blessings blur into the background. Also true: We need the broken, desperate moments to recognize our need for God. Self-sufficiency is terribly inadequate at such times. Praise God for his sovereignty and power in all situations! Thank you, Lisa, for your beautiful, insightful post.

    • http://lisaleonardonline.com/blog lisa leonard

      Thank you Nancy. Our self-sufficiency is terribly inadequate. xo

  • mommashopper

    Yes,,for sure motherhood is really hard,it shapes us from being a girl into a woman..and eventually a grandma. this journey can bless us or tear us into pieces of built up emotion ! I have been through many struggles with my 1st child and it felt crushing in my spirit,but after all the tears and emotion God lifts us up and shows us a better day the following day.i always think the sun always shines after a storm..just when we need it most !! In my motherhood days I have learned that I must be in control of myself ,every thing I say and do models these lil children. ,its Christ that fills us up and we take gentle rest in even when we have had enough !
    Hang in there and know all mothers struggle in various ways..some single moms, some with husbands working hundreds of hours ,some with a child who has special needs, and some who don’t know Christ yet and are alone . Rejoice in what we have ! our love and prayers for good days ahead.

    • http://lisaleonardonline.com/blog lisa leonard

      Beautiful words! xo

  • http://tiredchristianworkingmom.wordpress.com Kate Carman

    Hi Lisa,
    I totally connected with this, the other night I had just had a good time giving our baby a bath, I went to the pantry and a bag of sugar fell off the top shelf and onto my head! I was so mad! I yelled at the sugar! It is funny now, but of course I then felt guilty, aren’t I supposed to be grateful there is sugar in my pantry in the first place?! Thanks for the reminder that God loves me, still, when I am yelling at the sugar.

  • http://paigeskidsandthegoodstuff.blogspot.com Paige

    I’m with you, Lisa! In my most doubting moments I try to remember that God chose ME to be the mother of my two boys. He chose ME! And he doesn’t make mistakes. We are impossibly and perfectly matched.

    Thanks for sharing your heart.

  • Caroline

    Beautiful. Thanks for sharing your heart. You are a blessing to Him, and His perfect gift to your family!

  • http://theredkitchentable.wordpress.com Sarah

    I had one of those desperate mommy moments last Sunday (while getting ready for church of all times). I woke up feeling blah and any little thing that my kids did that didn’t bode well with my yucky spirit flew out in lashes of short tempered words. I literally felt like I had to apologize to them every 5 minutes for my reactions. And then I remembered, thanks to the Holy Spirit and His gracious mercy, that I had control over my feelings. This parenting thing is so hard, but so beautiful, and I’m so thankful for this sharing community of beautiful women like you, Lisa, who are willing to share.

  • http://martysmoosetracks.blogspot.com Marty

    “Mothering a special needs child may be an even greater demand. When I’m done, finished and empty, there is more to do…And I find God meeting me there, with grace for that moment.”

    Been there many times, and you are right…”where I am weak, He is strong.”

    Thank you for sharing your journey with us. This post ministered to me this morning. :)

  • http://www.redvinespirituality.com Taylor Arthur

    Thank you so much for this! I read this after my own freak out moment this morning. Why is it that a messy house undoes me more than my 2 year old having a med reaction after open heart surgery? I think sometimes we hold in the freak out until we really have the space to. They are all God moments, aren’t they? Thank you. I am right there with you!

    Love in Christ,
    Taylor

  • Paulette

    Thank you so much for sharing your heart and what many of us go through as mothers but don’t admit. At least I don’t. How amazing it is that the scripture you referenced is the memory verse for the” You Are Loved” bible study for today. Just an affirmation from God that as I am weak HE is strong and his Grace is sufficient. This is something that I struggle with trying to be strong in my own strength BUT GOD says COME.

  • Barb

    Lisa,
    While reading your story I couldn’t help but think back to my days as a mother of 3 young children. I would often times feel content, organized, and on top of things. Your paragraph that starts with “and I lost it” was ME. The moments of anger and frustration starting sneaking up on me every once in awhile until they became too often – a span of 6-8 years. I thought I could handle it, I didn’t really even know why I got angry, but it happened. My life was screaming out to God to show me His way and to teach me that it’s ONLY is our weakness that He is strong. God brought me through some very tough times. I pray that this is not true for you and those who commented, but in the event that it is true please know that there are many opportunities for those struggling. Thank you and the others for sharing your stories!
    Barb

  • June

    Gosh, I am so glad I’m not the only one screaming and yelling
    When things fall and hit us. Our focus on God can be so quickly pulled out from underneath. More of a reason to be in the word and walk closely with Him.

  • http://www.favorit-sci.com Dewitt

    I am curious to find out what blog platform you are working with?
    I’m having some small security issues with my
    latest website and I would like to find something more safeguarded.
    Do you have any suggestions?

  • Zee

    Motherhood requires patience, prayer, laughter, mistakes, wisdom, strenght; and more mistakes. We are born to do the impossible and during the ‘mothering’ process our child(ren) teaches us as mothers learn about herself.

  • http://restorationsoftware.blogspot.com Ashley

    Thank you so much for sharing your heart. Your story is a huge inspiration to my 20-something self and I am honored to get to read your writing.

    And P.S. Being a mom to a special needs child is one of the most amazing things I have ever had the privilege of witnessing in my own life. Those wonderful children are born with the special gift of loving unconditionally; a gift that too many, myself included, struggle with.

    Blessings!

  • http://www.ilovedevotionals.com Wendy van Eyck

    Wow. This is beautiful. Thanks for sharing.

  • Cindy

    It is 3 in the morning. I needed something, anything to latch onto, to remind me that God knows and is in control. Right now, I hate the weakness and confusion brought about by some days. Your one liner, that I need the broken, desperate moments to see my need for God, met me and reminded me. I am God’s. My 3 in the morning is His. He will take all the pieces and mend. His grace is enough.

  • http://www.deployedheart.com Meg

    Yes, thank you !

  • Amy gregg

    Thank you for being so brave to share. You help me in your sharing.

  • http://fromtheheart-anna.blogspot.com Anna

    This. Is. Perfect. The days I am not striving to be perfect are the days I can actually see and feel the grace moments. I just have to focus on God in it all and keeping my hands open to what he might have waiting – even in the really yucky parts. It’s tough. Parenting our special kiddos has moments that could break me in two, and it’s not always parenting them, for me mostly it’s dealing with the broken systems that we have to utilize. Keep up the beautiful work Lisa!!

  • Beth WIlliams

    Lisa,

    I’m not a mother, but I still have those “I lost it. I screamed. Anger flooded my body and I wanted to break something” moments–sometimes more than once a day. I can start out just fine and then something happens or someone says or does something and I just plain lose it. This year especially has been hard on me. I have felt weary and drained a lot. Several trials and many ups and downs.
    Absolutely love this phrase: “I need the beautiful, mundane moments to soak up life and see His blessings. I need the broken, desperate moments to see my need for God.

    Oh has my family needed God this year!

    Blessings :)

  • Sarah from Creating Contentment

    This is perfect. So so perfect. Thank you for sharing your day with us.
    I discovered your blog, Lisa, through The Nester, who re shared a post she wrote on you. I am grateful to ‘meet’ you. I am now following on bloglovin and am loving your archives. xS

  • http://livingtocarrythecross.blogspot.com Lori

    I am reading this a few days late but not late on God’s time table for me. I to have a little boy who has his own set of issues and quirks that this mamma doesn’t’ t know how to parent at times. I lose it and like you find the Grace of my Savior when I need it in the moment. He is so faithful to meet me there and pick up the pieces of my mess. Thank you for sharing Lisa.

  • Maela

    Hi there – my dearest friend sent me this post today after I had a horrible mommy day yesterday after a string of tough days and weeks. I am just so TIRED. God had been showing me that I am simply striving to be in control when that is the one thing motherhood keeps pounding into me: I am so NOT in control of everything! And so thank you for the perfect words about our desperate moments showing us our need for Him. I deeply needed that right now. I too am mothering a phenomenal special needs child – and am finding it’s true, when I’m completely wrung out, there’s more required. Praise God for His PERFECT AND PERFECTLY TIMED grace. Which today came in the form of your post. God bless your faithfulness and vulnerability in sharing. :)

  • http://www.quittingthequickfix.com Kate

    This post is a blessing and so is your ministry here. Thanks for sharing :-)

  • Rebekah

    Thanks so much for your honesty! It’s brings light to yourself and others. Sometimes I feel so as for how I react to my kids I’m ashamed to speak it. But I’m learning that releasing it helps me and others. Gods shedsight on that darkness we keep hidden if we let Him. It’s good to know I’m not alone. There are other moms out there living similar lives. I find comfort in that. We don’t have to be perfect or have piracy together. Gods strength is made perfect in weakness. Thank you Lisa!