Following the Spirit Even When It Feels Awkward

Following the Spirit Even When It Feels Awkward

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Two years ago, our (in)courage writers and staff from all over the U.S. (and Canada — hi, Aliza!) gathered in the beautiful mountains of Estes Park, Colorado. We spent three days walking along the river, eating good food, sharing hearts, drinking too much coffee, and planning new projects for you. Boy, was that a sweet time.

Going into the retreat, I knew I wanted to wrap up our final night with an intentional time of reflection. But I wasn’t sure what it should look like. I had bounced around ideas and sketched out some possibilities, but nothing felt quite right.

After a full day of meaningful conversations and exploring Colorado, we began our last evening together with a rooftop yoga session – what an experience. As worship music played, I breathed in with each stretch, focusing my mind on Christ, giving thanks for the rare gift of this retreat.

Maybe this was enough, I thought. Maybe this is the way to end our time together. Everyone seems content and relaxed. Maybe more sharing will just feel forced.

I breathed out my praise for God’s lavish kindness and looked around at this group of sisters whom I treasure and esteem. With the Rocky Mountains as a majestic backdrop, I thought, If I feel such gratitude and awe toward each one of these women, how much more must God delight in them as His daughters?

I reflected on how each woman had enriched our collective time in a particular way. Each uniquely gifted and anointed. Do they know how amazing they are?

And then I knew in my spirit what our closing time together had to be.

After our last scheduled activity, I could tell everyone was tired and ready to wrap up our group time and withdraw to their quiet condos.“What if we just called it a night?” someone asked.

I felt the tug of wanting to be sensitive and accommodate my friends. It would be easier to just go to bed. But the Spirit’s voice was louder. I knew there would be something lost if we tapped out now.

“No, let’s meet back in the main house in ten minutes. There’s one more thing I want to do.”

It feels a little silly to confess it now, but it took courage to say those words. It took courage to believe that I had heard the Holy Spirit correctly. It took courage to believe that the plan in my mind would result in a meaningful time when at our last retreat I felt like I totally flopped as a leader.

People were slow in making it back to our gathering place, but when everyone finally arrived, we sat in a large living room circle. Women piled on couches, and others pulled over stools from the kitchen. Some sat on the floor or perched on side tables.

“Okay, I know it’s late and we’re all tired, so thanks for being present for one final activity together,” I began awkwardly. “As you know, this year at (in)courage has been all about becoming women of courage. We’ve done an online Bible study and written blog posts, and this week we even recorded a video about it. But our invitation to our community is also God’s invitation to us. Part of becoming a woman of courage is learning to see ourselves the way God sees us. I don’t know about you, but sometimes that’s hard for me.

“One of the purposes of community is to be mirrors,” I continued. “To reflect back to one another what we see so others can see more clearly too. Over the last few days, I have seen beautiful things in each of you! And I know you have, too. So I want to end our time together by calling out what we see.”

Then, one by one, I stood behind each woman, placed my hands on her shoulders, and proclaimed, “You are a woman of courage,” and then together we blessed her with our words.

“Anjuli, you are a woman of courage. When I look at you, I see . . . ”

Around the circle, the words came out tentative at first. But as we went from one sister to the next, I began to hear a boldness in each voice — a bravery in calling out the intense good, the rare beauty, the hidden gifts in each other.

Yawns were replaced with shy smiles, inside-joke laughter, and tears for being truly seen.

Two years later and I remember the rooftop yoga and cinnamon lattes of that trip, but more than anything I remember the Holy Spirit showing up. His presence that final night was palpable. He was in us and among us, speaking to us and through us.

And doubt almost stole it.

So here’s the thing I’m reminding myself today, that I want to tell you too: The Holy Spirit is alive, He has more for us than we can imagine, and we can trust Him!

When that Voice speaks, whether you feel like obeying or not, whether your circumstances make perfect sense or not, you need to listen and respond. Doubt is normal — but you’ll miss out on what God wants to do if you defer to what is most comfortable.

Maybe you’re not leading a retreat today, but I bet you’ve got a situation in your life that is precious or important to you. You’re trying your best to savor it fully or steward it well. If you’ve accepted Christ as your Savior, then the Holy Spirit lives in you! But it’s up to you to surrender to His work!

Jesus said it clearly, “What gives life is God’s Spirit; human power is of no use at all” (John 6:63 GNT).

Indeed, God’s Spirit gave life that summer night. I’m so grateful I listened to His voice and accepted His invitation to trust His plan. At first, it may have looked awkward, forced, or foolish to others, but the Spirit’s plan is never foolish — it’s life to the full.

When We’re Scrambling for Things, Make This Stop First

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I’m sitting in a marketing meeting on Zoom, trying hard to listen. The subject is the oddest project I’ve ever tackled, especially when it comes to convincing fellow Christians to join me on the journey.

In short, I wrote a 1920s mystery novel and, in a few months, in October, it’s set to be released to the world. My struggle, meantime, is explaining why I wrote it — and why godly folks should read it.

Crime writing? Especially when such writing can look dangerous, scary, and maybe even ungodly?

The women on the Zoom call, however, don’t look fearful or worried. Instead, they look excited. Like me, they love Agatha Christie, Sherlock Holmes, and other mystery heavy hitters. They understand, therefore, that a good mystery looks at our broken places but, in the end, points us to redemption.

So, God is in this, they argue. Therefore, reach out to people. Tell them about it. Connect with folks. Let them know what you’ve written and why. It seems like a reasonable plan for any ministry — traditional or out of the box: just connect.

Praying about it, however, the Lord invited me to first take a deeper step. Connect with Me, He says. Then everything else you’re scrambling for will get found. 

Another way to say that is “seek God first,” as we know from the beloved wisdom of Matthew 6:33. Seeking God and His righteousness — especially when we’re scrambling — is the only good way to find our paths and to find Him.

But sometimes, when we’re trying to draw friends to a project or a stance we believe in, we can miss the mark by making it about ourselves — yelling loudly, pointing to our accomplishments, trying to reach more people, doing more for the sake of “connection.”

But God simply invites us to Him, to His presence, and to every beautiful gift that comes along with Him: mercy and grace, goodness and compassion, healing and help, joy and love, counsel and guidance, authentic transparency and truth. Yes, to His agenda.

His desire? First, to transform us and make us more like Christ. Such change requires remaining in the Lord. Stay and abide with Me. As He says, “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing” (John 15:5).

Sitting in the Zoom meeting, I hear that loud and clear. The marketing people are saying the same thing: Connect to people, but do it as Jesus did — by first loving others and living as He did.

So, how did Jesus live? By seeking after His Father.

Listening to those marketing folks, I finally hear their ministry truth. It’s only in God that we find the assurance and confidence to offer our broken but creative selves to the world.

It’s in Him that we learn the true ways of real connection, not to make transactions — or to pitch our mysteries or ministries — but to walk together on this puzzling road of life.

It’s in Him that we find the courage to try.

It’s in Him that, when we fall — and we will — we find the strength to get back up and the courage to try again.

Sure, I’m praying that you’ll read my mystery book, but along the way, I hope we keep joining each other in seeking Him. He’s our every answer, our greatest connection. In that, there’s never a mystery.

You can pre-order Patricia’s mystery novel, All That Is Secret, here! Also, join Patricia for a free webinar on fiction and spiritual formation entitled “Formational Fiction: Stories That Shape Our Souls” with ministry host Renovare at 12 noon CST on Tuesday, July 13. Register here.

Season One, Episode 03: Joy in the Lord

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It’s time for another episode of the (in)courage podcast!

This week, our hosts Becky Keife and Mary Carver take a look at what it means to find our joy in the Lord—and what gets in our way of doing so.

Robin Dance, (in)courage contributor joins the episode to share her own story of joy from Week 2 Day 3 of Courageous Joy, leading Becky and Mary to discuss how easy it is to lose our focus on God and attempt to find joy elsewhere. They also turn to Scripture for the story of the “sinful” woman who anointed Jesus’s feet. (You can find the full story in Luke 7:36-50.)

As always, this episode ends with a Bible verse for the week. This week, let’s reflect on Psalm 66:1-2:

Shout for joy to God, all the earth; sing the glory of his name; give to him glorious praise!

Whether you’ve gone through the Courageous Joy Bible study, haven’t started it yet, or haven’t even heard of it, you’re invited and welcome to join us for this series of conversations. Pick up your copy of Courageous Joy at DaySpring.com — use code PODCAST25 to save 25% + get free shipping!

Play the episode and subscribe below so you don’t miss a minute! You can find the (in)courage podcast anywhere you listen to podcasts.

Then tune in next week as Becky and Mary are joined by Lucretia Berry to talk about how we can find joy in who God made us to be. See you then!

Hosts:
Mary Carver: website, Instagram, Facebook
Becky Keife: website, Instagram, Facebook

Episode Guest:
Robin Dance: website, Instagram, Facebook

 

 

Your Weight Is Not Your Worth

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A few years ago, I slowly lost sixty pounds. I didn’t do anything drastic, just made small, simple, better choices and took daily walks. I tracked my food in a free app on my phone. I worked to close the rings on my Apple watch and to hit 10,000 steps a day. I wish I could say that the catalyst for the changes I was making came from some awakening in my heart. But, friends, they came from a mortified response to being shamed.

I had a doctor appointment for something entirely unrelated to weight, or even my general health. It was a very specific issue that turned out to be nothing at all. However, the doctor felt it necessary to comment on my weight and said briskly that I should consider losing some of it.

My face burned for days, thinking of hers as she looked at me, a stranger, and commented on my body. She’d offered her suggestion after my diagnosis was complete and I was nearly ready to walk out the door. When I did walk out the door, it was with a blazing face, a pit in my stomach, and a resolution to do whatever needed to be done in order for that doctor to eat her words. I know, not the best motivator. It didn’t even make sense, as I would literally never see that doctor again and I could never “show her.” I figured I would know, and that would be enough to give me a smug satisfaction.

So I downloaded the apps, started walking, and lost 60 pounds in about a year and a half. I did everything in a slow, consistent, baby-step kind of way. Healthy, safe, and not extreme. However . . .

I got more comments on my body over those months than ever before in my life. I invited some of those comments by sharing pictures from my walks and a few before/afters on Instagram, and most of them were from well-meaning people in my life, telling me how amazing I looked. But every single time they offered their good-intentioned praises, my stomach churned and my face blazed just like it did in that doctor’s office. I felt that if they were praising my appearance now, I must have looked terrible before. I’m sure that wasn’t what drove their comments, but that’s how it felt. The same feeling of shame that flooded my heart in the doctor’s office returned, and I wanted to hide.

When Adam and Eve became aware of their bodies, they became ashamed too. I understand that impulse. I get their reaction. I get their urge to hide, to cover up, to avoid being seen. I understand that as an overweight woman, as a pregnant woman (no, not now, but at four other times), and as a woman who has both lost and gained significant amounts of weight. In each of these circumstances, comments were made, and shame was offered an invitation to lodge itself in my heart.

If invited in, shame is all too happy to entirely occupy every inch of space that it’s given.

Shame, for me, is as well-worn as a broken-in, old pair of jeans. It’s easy to slip into and believe, and there’s a kind of familiarity to it that comes right alongside the hurt it brings. There’s something about shame that can even feel comfortable. But we are not built to house shame. We are God’s workmanship, designed for the freedom that Christ’s love can bring.

Freedom from shame and guilt. Freedom from feeling too much and not enough. Freedom from counting, measuring, and eating half a banana when we want the whole thing. Freedom from embarrassment and pits in our stomachs.

I don’t want my children to see their mom striving or shrinking or ashamed. I want them to see her living free.

There’s not enough room in this article for all the words I want to say about this, so please know that I acknowledge much is left unsaid. There’s not enough room to dissect every aspect of what it means to be healthy, strong, or fit. There’s not enough room to talk about the ways in which the health industry dangles their ideal body in our faces, offering their products as the only or optimal solution and perpetuating the vicious cycle of shame so many live in. There’s not enough room to discuss eating disorders or mental health. There just isn’t room for such a massive and nuanced conversation.

What there is room for is to remind you that you were hand-created by a good, loving God who adores you. Full stop. God doesn’t love you more if you’re thin. God doesn’t love you less if you’re in a bigger body. Your pants size does not matter to God, and it doesn’t matter if that size goes up or down or stays the same. God just loves you — wholly, as you are. The end.

God loved you before you were created.

God loves you deeply and knows you fully.

God made you beautiful.

God made you in His image.

God rejoices over you, sings over you, saves you.

Jesus came to give whole, full living for us in His love.

There’s nothing you can do to earn God’s love. Shame does not disqualify you from being loved. The size of your clothes doesn’t impact God’s love for you. Shake off the shame, friend. Fight it and dwell in God’s overwhelming love.

Listen, there are for sure days where that’s much easier said than done. But on even those days, God’s deep love for us can carry us through the shame, the sadness, the not-enoughness that we feel. Friend, don’t look to the tag on your clothes to tell you what you’re worth. Your size — your weight — is not your worth. Our worth, our value, comes from God . . . and He says we are good.

When have you felt ashamed? How did you transition from that place into the freedom of God’s love?

You Are a Woman of Courageous Influence

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But you are not like that, for you are a chosen people. You are royal priests, a holy nation, God’s very own possession. As a result, you can show others the goodness of God, for he called you out of the darkness into his wonderful light.
1 Peter 2:9 (NLT)

I knew from the moment we received my husband’s stage 4 cancer diagnosis that God intended to use our story for His glory. God made me a storyteller, a messenger. He prepared me in advance for this work and gave me gifts for writing and speaking. For years God had been using mentors and friends to speak this truth over me. I had countless conversations, listened to sermons, and heard messages at conferences that resonated this same idea.

The question was, would I be willing to believe in my worth as a woman of influence and do what God was calling me to do — to share my story of grief and glory?

At first I resisted. I didn’t want to be known as the “grief lady.” I didn’t want to be vulnerable and share my pain publicly. Four months after my husband soared to heaven, I began to write. I immediately started to outline a Bible study about looking for God’s glory in the middle of grief. This was my personal story, but it was also an invitation for women to learn how to chase after God’s glory in their own trials.

Each week I wrote a chapter of what would eventually become a Bible study called Glory Chasers: Discovering God’s Glory in Unexpected Places. I invited nine of my closest friends to meet with me and go through the study. God used this sweet time of fellowship to heal us as we traversed through grief and loss together.

That fall, my church invited me to teach the Glory Chasers study for a group of over two hundred women. Though I didn’t feel ready, God began using my personal testimony of how He was present with me through the suffering and grief to challenge and encourage a larger audience, and by the following spring I decided to pursue publication. The more I saw God working through my words, the more I knew I couldn’t keep the message to myself.

God has written and continues to write His story in each of us, and whether you share yours on a stage before many or with a friend via text, God wants to do it through you — your words, your voice, your experiences.

Now people know me as the “glory lady” instead of the “grief lady.” Every time I share this message, God reminds me that He chose me to lead, to encourage, and to proclaim His glory as I chase after Him in my own life.

Story by Dorina Lazo Gilmore-Young from Week One, Day Five of the Courageous Influence Bible Study

We were made to shine. We were made to have influence because we have been made new in Christ. Our influence isn’t based on what culture says it should be or on our worldly qualifications or lack thereof. God considers everything His hands have made as good, as worthy of carrying His good news.

Knowing God has placed you where you are and chosen you to have influence with those around you, remember not to look to the right or left, wondering what someone else is doing. Instead, let’s be women who stay in our lanes.

Let’s be faithful to stay on whatever road He has us on. We are women of influence, period. Let’s embrace the way God made us for impact.

We hope you loved this excerpt from the Courageous Influence Bible Study, written by Grace P. Cho and featuring stories from the (in)courage community! Courageous Influence is available wherever books are sold:

Sign up here, and we’ll send you a FREE week from each our first four Bible Studies! Yep, we’ll send Week One + discussion videos from Courageous Simplicity, Courageous Joy, Courageous Kindness, and Courageous Influence. Read each at your own pace and decide which one resonates most with you!

Maybe This Is the Reason You’re So Exhausted

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I remember being a young employee called into my boss’s office. I sat down in front of his large executive desk as he closed the door. I was frantically going through my memory to find anything I could have done wrong.

As he sat down in his leather banker chair, he asked me in all seriousness, “Why are you so happy all the time?”

Taken aback, I wasn’t even sure what he had just asked me.

“Happy all the time?” I asked.

“Yes,” he said a little frustrated with me. “You always have a smile on your face and seem happy no matter what happens. How do you do that?”

I knew my boss struggled with down days. He had grown up in a very religious home based on works. He tried to be kind to those he led and to love others. But he never acted like he enjoyed his life or was very happy.

I had prayed for over a year for him to have a real relationship with Jesus, to know he was unconditionally loved and to feel free to be happy without the guilt. Here was my open door to share the “secret of my joy.” We had a surprising conversation about my faith in Jesus and how that applied to my every day.

If I hadn’t allowed the joy in my life to spread to my face, would my boss have asked me about my heart? A smile is vulnerable and makes others wonder about the Jesus you long to share.

I wonder if the way we live makes a life with Jesus look like a joyous adventure or an unhappy religion?

Sometimes those I encounter that don’t have a saving relationship with Jesus seem happier than those of us that do. That doesn’t seem the way God intended us to live after experiencing an eternal freedom from sin and love with no bounds. Why would our neighbor be attracted to a faith that was full of hate, unhappiness, anxiety, impatience, and brutality instead of love, joy, peace, patience, and kindness?

We are to “count it all joy, when we meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let that steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” (James 1:2-4 ESV, emphasis mine)

God empowers us with the ability to have joy in our circumstances even if we may not feel it, and that joy is unexplainable without Jesus. He is the secret to getting through the trials in our lives and being in an anchored place of contentment — joy in patience and peace.

I know that Jesus tells us we will suffer on His behalf and not always be treated fairly because the enemy hates us. But in the middle of all of that, do we really believe “the joy of the Lord is our strength?”

Maybe the lack of joy in our lives is why you and I are so tired. Perhaps we’ve somehow missed out on His joy and that’s what’s making us unhappy, exhausted, and a dimmed light for the Kingdom.

During rough waters, I’ve held onto the Lord until I found my joy in Him. I’ve learned Jesus is the source of our joy because He is joy and that’s where I can receive the strength I need.

The Holy Spirit also bears fruit on our behalf, in and through us. Love is number one, and joy is a close second. It is by His strength that our joy returns, knowing that we are loved infinitely well.

Circumstances and what we do don’t change the strength of the Lord’s joy. Paul worshiped Jesus in prison, lighting the way for the guards to be free from bondage with a newfound faith in Jesus. For the joy set before Him — pleasing God the Father, a reconciled love relationship with you, and the defeat of the enemy — Jesus endured the cross.

We need to be the women of Jesus, living a life that shows others that we are ambassadors of His and are promised joy with His Spirit. And the world will pause for a moment to ask us why we can be so happy in the middle of the chaos that is our world and we can share our life giving faith in Jesus.

What is holding you back from the joy Jesus offers?

Celebrating Our Dependence: Insights to Building Strong Communities

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In grade school, I had to go to the bathroom a lot.

No, I didn’t drink multiple cartons of milk at lunch or have some weird disease. But I was in pain.

The pain? My anticipation of being called on to read aloud in class.

I’d managed to go most of my elementary career without reading in front of the class. It wasn’t that I didn’t like reading; I was a voracious reader, poring over every book I could get my hands on (even the ones I wasn’t supposed to get my hands on). And I didn’t have a fear of speaking in public. Most of my trouble came from speaking too much. I could be guaranteed to get this feedback on every report card: Kathi is a delight to have in class. However, she tends to share with her neighbor too much.

I wasn’t afraid of reading or speaking. What terrified me was the combination of those two activities.

You see, I’m dyslexic. While I love to read, I take longer than many of my friends. And I love to speak, but only extemporaneously or from some really big bullet points.

Having to show the world (or worse, a classroom of fourth graders) what a slow reader I am felt like all my nightmares coming true at the same time.

It was easier to fake stomach cramps and run to the bathroom.

One of those torturous afternoon reading sessions, a room mom heard me struggling. When we went to the library afterward, she took me aside and confessed she always had trouble reading in front of people too. She encouraged me to read the chapter the night before class, so if there were words that were going to trip me up, I could “figure it out” in the privacy of my bedroom, not in front of twenty-nine other students.

I use this strategy even now. The day before any situation where I will be reading aloud, I take a handful of multi-colored highlighters and mark up the pages so I know when I need to slow down and pay special attention.

I needed this kind room mom’s help to get through school and have a career I love, but sometimes I forget my fourth-grade lesson and try to do too many things on my own — like refusing to listen to my more mechanically-inclined husband when I’m building Swedish furniture because I want to be able to say I didn’t need any help.

Or the times I’ve refused to listen to older, wiser mentors because I wanted to blaze my own trail. But you know what’s awesome about taking the well-worn path? You get time to enjoy the journey, and you don’t have to spend so much time fighting the thorny underbrush.

I’m like my daughter when she was a toddler. She would insist on “I do it myself!” even if it meant she spilled ninety percent of her Cheerios on the way to the kitchen table. On those occasions, I may feel independent, but I look rather ridiculous.

Can we just admit right now that having to do it all, manage it all, and handle it all is exhausting?

One of the best things I’ve done in my business is to admit weak areas and surround myself with those who are stronger. I’m not a skilled designer, but my friend Angela is. She takes my ideas and makes them way more beautiful than I ever could have. I benefit from her talent, and she uses the gifts God has endowed her. A total win-win.

Plus, I get to have an amazing friend like Angela in my life.

When I admit my weakness, it becomes a pathway to connect with others.

Because weak doesn’t mean “unimportant” or “unnecessary.” It means some of us require more help or protection in certain areas.

Sometimes the most important parts of our body are also the weakest. I think about our brains, our hearts, our lungs, or our kidneys. I would much rather have an injury to my leg than to my kidney.

The Apostle Paul talked about the importance of each body part in 1 Corinthians 12:18-22a (NIV):

But in fact God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. If they were all one part, where would the body be? As it is, there are many parts, but one body.

The eye cannot say to the hand, “I don’t need you!” And the head cannot say to the feet, “I don’t need you!”  On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable.

Sometimes, I am the strong part, but more and more I realize I am the weaker part and need help. As the body of Christ, we were designed to collaborate and assist each other, rather than do it all on our own. The ability to ask questions, receive opinions, and seek help is one of the traits that will get us farther than always trying to figure it out by ourselves.

While most of the country celebrates our independence, I would love for us to take a moment to celebrate our dependence. Dependence on our community of believers makes us better, kinder, and more like Christ.

Want another resource to go deeper about asking for help when you need it? Overwhelmed: How to Quiet the Chaos and Restore Your Sanity by Kathi offers insights and practical wisdom. 

When Envy Slowly Rots Our Souls

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Her text was in all caps: I GOT MY DREAM JOB! I felt something in my gut twist. I tossed my phone down and turned on the water in the shower. I hated feeling this way. I wanted to text back, I am so happy for you!!! I knew the right thing to say but knew my heart felt the wrong thing. This feeling was so painfully familiar: envy.

For me, envy has always been a struggle. But on any given day sloth, pride, greed, and anger can infiltrate my soul like an uninvited guest that I keep letting in the front door. Sin works like that, doesn’t it? I don’t want it to poison my life, but there is something slightly appealing about it. The taste of sin satisfies my bent heart. I hang onto sin because, in a convoluted way, it gives me power. When I nurse my jealousy, it makes me feel justified, right, and strong. I run through imaginary scenarios of why this or that person doesn’t deserve the opportunity they have been given. I can do this with strangers, institutions, churches, and friendships. I can find anything to be envious about.

Oftentimes, the frequency of my jealously can fluctuate. I’ve been able to manage it enough so that it doesn’t ruin my life. I use my own accomplishments, busyness, and adventures to keep my sin under control. But I keep opening the door and letting it invade my inner world. I hold onto it just in case I need it to feel strong again. 

If I’m being honest, I don’t want it gone. But it’s also honest to say, “It’s slowly rotting my soul.”

The water was hot over my body. I needed to be cleansed. Like kneading bread dough, I played the stories out in my head again and again. But this time, instead of using sin to give me strength, I saw how terrible it was turning my thoughts. I saw how much I had let envy tangle me up, contort reality, and drive me to dishonesty. I didn’t want to just say the right thing to my friend. I wanted to feel differently. I wanted to be different. 

I want to purely celebrate people. I want to believe that another person’s achievement doesn’t diminish my worth. I want to cheer loudly, clap hard, and be the first one to stand up for others’ dreams coming true. But before I can do that, I have to choose another way. I have to close the door to sin. I have to refuse to let sin consume any part of my soul. I have to treat my deceit, lust, resentment, and gluttony like the poison that they are. No sin can give me power, strength, or security. No sin can save me, hold me, or love me back. 

I let the water wash over me and wept. Lord, have mercy. It was sad to see how much I had let sin roam freely in my soul.

I’m often afraid to trust that God will meet me in the middle of my mess. It’s hard to hold onto Jesus instead of my jealousy. But I believe there is a better way. God promises the way to freedom is through Jesus. Do I believe Jesus is enough? Timidly, but with assurance, I do believe this. Perhaps it would be safer to say that I’m learning to believe Jesus is my strength, stronghold, and constant; I’ve let sin take residence in my soul for far too long.

For today, and I pray for tomorrow, I am putting my foot down. I am closing the door to the unwanted, slithery, creature of sin that so easily takes up space inside of me. For far too long I’ve put my hope in my ability to manage, maneuver, justify, tone down, and tame my sin. But that’s not the life I want. It cripples and cuts me off from my true source of love. Love is always within reach, but the choice to stand up to my sin or nurse it is always mine. 

The real question remains for each of us: What kind of life do we want? Do we want freedom or a soul warped by sin? 

I dried off and texted my dear friend back, YOU DID IT! I’M SO HAPPY FOR YOU! I said the right thing, and my heart began to feel the right way.

Getting Honest About Depression and Anxiety

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I will be with you when you pass through the waters, and when you pass through the rivers, they will not overwhelm you. You will not be scorched when you walk through the fire, and the flame will not burn you.
Isaiah 43:2 (CSB)

I’m standing on a stage in front of a crowd of women. I see teenagers with side ponytails, sweet mamas in skinny jeans, and lovely silver-haired seniors. I wish for the chance to have coffee with them all, to hear their stories one by one. So I do what I consider to be second-best — I tell mine.

I come to the part about how we all have bullies in our lives. Mine hassled my elementary friends and me after school, until one day he called me a word none of us were supposed to utter under any circumstances. At this point I decided to take matters into my own hands. Although the quiet and gentle type, I promptly pushed him down — without causing injury or serious concern from any adult authorities — and sat on his back until he promised to repent of his bully ways. The audience laughs at this, and I tell them I wish this was my only encounter with a bully. But I still fight them every day.

My grown-up bullies are anxiety and depression, two words we can be hesitant to say at church. Yet the psalmist freely confesses, “I am deeply depressed” (Psalm 42:6 CSB). Struggling with depression or anxiety doesn’t mean we are spiritual failures, we’ve disappointed God, or we’re not strong enough. This is what I have come to believe: we live in a fallen, broken world, and if we are in a battle, it simply means we are warriors.

I declare this to the women in the room, and after the session, one of the leaders says to me, “When you said those words, I could hear a collective sigh of relief.” After I finish speaking, a line of women that stretches almost out the door forms in front of me, and one after another says either “Me too” or “My daughter struggles with depression and anxiety.” If you’re reading this and you or someone you love is in this battle, know you’re not alone.

The hope in all this is that Jesus has promised us victory. I believe I will likely have to fight this battle as long as I’m on this spinning earth. But through a plan that includes every part of who I am — spiritual, emotional, social, physical, and mental — these days I’m winning more than I’m losing. I also have partners in the fight, including a counselor, a doctor, and good friends who speak truth to me on the days I can’t remember it. (When people ask me what to do next about their depression and anxiety, I always recommend starting with a trustworthy biblical counselor.)

What we don’t talk about, what we keep secret, where we let shame and guilt take hold are the places in our lives where we remain defeated and unhealed. So I’m speaking publicly about this struggle with you too.

Depression and anxiety are part of my life, but they’re not the boss of me. They’re also not my identity. I’m strong, brave, and loved. I’m a daughter of God who has been promised victory. So are you. There is no shame in being a warrior. Fight on.

Lord, like the psalmist, I long to freely confess my truth. I am deeply depressed. Yet even as I speak those words, the next to fly out of my mouth is the truth that as I fight, I am a warrior, and in that there is no shame. Thank You, Lord, for the victory of speaking up, of not keeping secrets, of healing and identity. Help me live into mine. Amen.

This devotion was written by Holley Gerth and appears in our devotional Take Heart: 100 Devotions to Seeing God When Life’s Not Okay. This collection of courageous stories from forty-four different authors is where you can find your story reflected — from struggling with weight, anxiety, and depression to suffering through miscarriage and grieving the death of a husband; from experiencing injustice and questioning our purpose to walking through church disappointments, loneliness, and infertility. The Take Heart writers share from the depth of their hearts and experience so that you will know beyond a doubt that you are not alone and that you are (and always have been) loved.

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This book is an offering of hope, from one heart to another — sister to sister, friend to friend. We can’t wait to help you take heart.

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Bring Your Unfiltered Ache to Jesus

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The ache came from out of nowhere.

I was sitting on the beach at the conservation area near my house. It’s less of a beach and more of a man-made lake, but it’s water and sand and it’s only a three-minute drive from my apartment. I sat on my turquoise fold-out beach chair, feeling the hot sun on my shoulders. 

It was perfect, really. It was my Sabbath, the weather felt like summer, and I was stretched out on warm sand with water close by. I was with people I love, and a novel I’d been waiting to read was splayed out on my lap. 

But then a pang shot through me. The pang settled into an ache, weighing heavy.

It hurt — not physically — but I could feel it in my body and in my heart. A pang of loneliness, an ache of longing. 

It made no sense for me to be lonely because I was with people I love, in a place I love. Saturdays are precious to me because I can be extra intentional at surrounding myself with people whom I love and who love me. Saturdays are a way to prevent my loneliness. 

And yet, it didn’t seem to matter. The ache was still present. 

I often think I can fix the ache if I can just get married, then maybe have a child. Or if I find a more fulfilling job, distract myself with Netflix and good novels, or surround myself constantly with people, the ache will leave. 

But so far, the things from that list that I’ve tried aren’t working. 

I’ve begun to wonder if maybe I’m not the only one with the ache. Maybe all of us — single or married — have this ache deep within. Maybe the ache isn’t dependent on relationship status, but on the simple fact that being a human is exhausting and is often accompanied with a union of joy and sorrow. Just when I begin to feel one of those feelings, I often feel the other shortly after.

Jesus knows exactly what it’s like to be an exhausted human, filled with commingled joy and grief. He got tired. He got sad. (Maybe more tired and more sad than you and I can ever comprehend.) 

Jesus knows everything about us. He knows our disappointments. He knows how ashamed we can feel. He knows about our loneliness, our embarrassment, our discouragement, our doubts. He knows when we question if He’s good or if He’s even listening at all. 

But for us, these feelings can be complicated. For a long time, I’ve believed the lie that I need to somehow figure things out or sort through my emotions or muster up more faith before bringing my heart to Jesus. 

But Jesus already knows. He literally knows everything about me already. Why do I think I should keep these confusing parts of my life from Him? 

Jesus knew my ache on that beach. He could see the ache, the way it pierced every part of me. So instead of running from the ache — and instead of running from Jesus — I decided to simply bring it to Him. I brought Him my achy heart and was met with the deepest compassion. 

I prayed while I sat on that beach. I prayed while I packed up my chair and my book. I prayed while walking to my car, my flip flops crunching the gravel beneath me. And all I prayed was this: Jesus, the ache is back. Jesus, the ache has returned again. 

A huge part of me wanted Jesus to fix it, to sweep that ache away with a touch of His hands. But He didn’t fix it. 

Instead, He walked beside me. As I got into my car and drove away from that beach, the ache accompanied me. But so did Jesus. 

No matter what we are feeling — no matter how embarrassing, or shameful, or discouraging — we can bring it all to Jesus. We don’t have to be afraid of our emotions. We can gather them up, handing our fistful of feelings over to the Lord, who already sees us. We will be met with compassion and the deepest love. 

Bring your ache, friend. Bring it out into the light of Jesus.

Season One, Episode 02: What is Joy?

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We are back with another episode of the new (in)courage podcast!

This week, Becky Keife and Mary Carver dive into this season’s topic of courageous joy by starting with some foundational questions. They ask (and answer), “What is joy? And why is it important?”

After sharing their own understanding of joy and why it’s so crucial to each and every one of us, Becky and Mary take a look at the story of the prodigal son. (You can find the full story in Luke 15:11-32.) They look at the role joy plays in each of the characters and discuss how we can experience true joy when we understand God’s lavish love, acceptance, and provision.

In this episode, we also hear from Aliza Latta, (in)courage contributor, as she shares her own story of joy from Week One, Day Two of Courageous Joy.

Every episode of this podcast will end with a Bible verse for the week. This week, we reflect on Romans 15:13:

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Whether you’ve gone through the Courageous Joy Bible study, haven’t started it yet, or haven’t even heard of it, you’re invited and welcome to join us for this series of conversations. Pick up your copy of Courageous Joy at DaySpring.com — use code PODCAST25 to save 25% + get free shipping!

Play the episode and subscribe below so you don’t miss a minute! You can find the (in)courage podcast anywhere you listen to podcasts.

Then tune in next week as Becky and Mary are joined by Robin Dance to talk about what it means to find our joy in the Lord. See you then!

Hosts
Mary Carver: website, Instagram, Facebook
Becky Keife: website, Instagram, Facebook

Guest
Aliza Latta: website, Instagram, Facebook

The Church Is Still Worth Fighting For

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Recently, I was sitting at the pool with a fellow mama, sunbathing, chatting about life, and being splashed repeatedly by our energetic toddlers, when our conversation turned to the church. It was one of those raw conversations you don’t expect to have while lounging on a pool noodle and chasing a three-year-old. Yet that’s exactly where the Spirit led us that day. I was surprised by how natural and vulnerable we were with each other as we shared deep wounds we’d experienced from different churches over the years — the hurtful words that had been said about us, the people who had tried to silence us because we were women, the toxicity of certain leadership teams, and the undervaluing of pastor’s families. We both marveled that, despite the pain and rejection we’d gone through, neither of us had chosen to quit on the church. In fact, our conversation quickly turned to why we still love the church and why we believe the people of God are a mess worth fighting for.

Talking with my friend that day nourished my soul. More than once in the past, after a heartbreaking incident in the church, I’ve had friends encourage me to do the opposite: leave church altogether and take to social media to share about what happened. Drop names, I was told. Blast this mess on the internet and shame the people involved. There certainly have been occasions where I would have even been justified to publicly share the way a person or a church treated me and my husband, but I’ve never done so. Even though I’ve been deeply hurt by fellow brothers and sisters in the Lord, I love the church. And when you love someone, you don’t shame them.

My love is certainly not naive. I understand full well the church’s dark and ugly sins. This past decade alone has witnessed the #churchtoo movement, and we continue to hear stories of sexual abuse and misogyny across denominations. Racial pain is ripping through congregations, and the exodus of Black and Brown Christians is growing. Wherever you look, churches are splintering, and folks are feeling othered — even leaving the faith — because of fights over politics, theology, and more. The church is a mess right now, and the shrapnel that has exploded from it has hit me deep and personally. But despite it all, I’m committed to seeing the church flourish.

There is nothing so sweet as the church living out its calling in the world. In the Bible, the church exists to advance the good news of the gospel throughout the world (Matthew 28:18-20) and to edify believers (1 Thessalonians 5:11; Jude 20). When a church is healthy, brothers and sisters bear one another’s burdens, gently restore one another (Galatians 6:1), comfort, exhort, edify, pray for, and forgive one another. When this happens, men and women alike are treated with respect, equality, and dignity, and the body of Christ grows deeper in their love for God and each other.

I can’t say I know many churches that live out their biblical calling. The church is made of broken, messy people, which means the church is messy and broken too. But when we choose to stay in the mess and not turn our backs on the brokenness, we position ourselves to help make the church stronger. When we choose not to leave the church, we open ourselves to God’s heart to model, teach, and invite our fellow brothers and sisters to a better way. 

I think of Jesus’ deep love for the church. Ephesians 5:25 says that “Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” The people of God — people like you and me — shamed, humiliated, abused, and killed the son of God, and yet Jesus did not burn them. Instead, He chose to lay down His life for us for our own salvation. 

Of course, I’m not saying that a person who is experiencing racism or being sexually, emotionally, or spiritually abused at a church should stay as a gesture of love. Those are not safe or healthy situations, and they should not be tolerated.

However, we can love the church and also call out its sins. We may choose to attend a different congregation for our own safety or have hard conversations with elders and pastors about the culture of a church and what needs to change for all people to be welcome. We can be angry when we see people go unheard and unappreciated, while channeling that anger into productive conversations that point people back to Christ and God’s Word. When leaders do wrong, we can keep them accountable by having them step down from their position or even reporting the incident to the police, while also figuring out how to love them through the process.

Perhaps many of you have been hurt by the church like me. My encouragement for you is to keep fighting for the church. Each time the church disappoints, remind yourself of God’s heart for the church and the reasons why it exists. Consider whether He might be inviting you to stay instead of walking out on the mess and the brokenness and how He might work through you to bring healing, hope, and love.

I dream of a time when the world truly sees the love of God through the fellowship of believers, and I am committed to playing an intentional role in seeing that vision come to fruition. Let’s not give up on the church because it is still worth fighting for.

In Christ, We Are Women of Influence

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Now that same day two of them were on their way to a village called Emmaus, which was about seven miles from Jerusalem. Together they were discussing everything that had taken place. And while they were discussing and arguing, Jesus himself came near and began to walk along with them.
Luke 24:13-15 (CSB)

I was in the middle of a wilderness season, spiritually parched and lost, unsure of the answer to every who, what, where question I was asked. I had stepped away from church ministry, uprooted my family from our home city of seven years, and moved back to my husband’s childhood home to live with his parents. The move wasn’t a part of the original plan we had been so sure God had for us when we first moved into our community and church. But for a solid year, God confirmed and affirmed that being with family, taking risks with our careers, and entering into a wilderness was exactly where He wanted us to be.

We came into this new chapter of our lives with naive hopes and dreams — of me starting a writing career and of my husband opening up a restaurant. It made sense that this was the time to do these things, with extra hands for childcare and saved up resources. We were ready to take on whatever would come our way, holding hands and cheering each other on.

But a wilderness season is just that — a wilderness. We can’t predict next steps or plan for the future because no clear path is available. There are dangers we can’t avoid and pitfalls we don’t expect. Our weakest points become exposed with nowhere to hide and nothing to cover ourselves.

Though we knew it would be difficult, we couldn’t have imagined the pain, the disappointment, the confusion that would ensue. My husband’s desire for a restaurant stalled and eventually staled. Our marriage became fragile, every painful silence and harsh word creating a chasm between us. My mental health crumbled into depression and suicidal ideation. I didn’t know who I was outside of my role as wife, mother, and daughter-in-law, and it seemed that my gifts of leading and pastoring others were no longer needed.

And in that emptied place is where God showed me that my influence hadn’t ended.

I ran into a young woman, a friend of a friend’s, at a local church seminar on racial reconciliation, and though we had met one-on-one a few times before, we were still getting to know each other. In a room full of strangers, I was relieved and grateful to see a familiar face. We chatted in between sessions, and at the end of the seminar, she approached me and asked if I’d consider mentoring her.

I was taken aback by her question. Who was I to invest in someone? What did I have to pour out to her? Surely I wasn’t in the right place spiritually, emotionally, and mentally to be of any use. But as these thoughts swirled around my mind, I also inquired of God: What do You think I should do? And almost immediately, I felt God answer, If others don’t walk with you during your wilderness season, how will they know how to walk through theirs?

Before I could second guess myself, I heard the word “yes” come emphatically out of my mouth. She squealed with delight, and instead of squirming in regretful doubt, I was at perfect peace.

Over the next year or so, we spent time together, read books, had meals and coffee. We didn’t follow a discipleship program or center our mentorship on gaining more knowledge for the sake of our spiritual growth. Instead, we built a friendship. We committed a designated time each month to meet and talk and kept to it as best we could. We walked together through our doubts and fears, witnessed each other’s grief, and celebrated the breakthroughs. And through it all, we saw God.

The last thing I thought I’d do during my wilderness season was to mentor, but no matter who we are or where we’re at in life, we all have influence to share. Influence is simply the capacity to affect change on someone. It isn’t only for pastors and leaders in the church. It’s not about having a position of power or years of experience. It has nothing to do with age or gender or how much clout we already have.

And influence might look different for every person. It can look like using our gifts, skills, time, and effort. It can be about where God has placed us — our location or our proximity to someone else or the role we play in our families, jobs, and communities. All of us have been given influence in Christ, and we are to use it to encourage and lead others toward Him.

Wherever we are, however God has made us, in Christ, we are women of influence.

Story by Grace P. Cho, as published in HomeLife Magazine

Our next Bible study, Courageous Influence: Embrace the Way God Made You for Impact, written by our editorial manager Grace P. Cho and featuring stories from (in)courage writers, is for you, whether you feel you have influence in your life or not. And we guarantee that you do!

Sign up here, and we’ll send you a FREE week from each our first four Bible Studies! Yep, we’ll send Week One + discussion videos from Courageous Simplicity, Courageous Joy, Courageous Kindness, and Courageous Influence. Read each at your own pace and decide which one resonates most with you!

His Steadfast Love Holds Us in the Darkest Night

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A few days ago my youngest child woke me up crying in the middle of the night, perhaps with a bad dream. He’s normally an excellent sleeper. He came to live with us several months ago, and this was the first time he’d woken in the night.  

When I walked into his room, he was sobbing loud, gulping cries — the kind where you can’t quite catch your breath. Oh, I’ve been there, buddy. I scooped him up, and we settled into a rhythm, snuggled in the rickety old rocking chair. Right away, he stopped crying, and his agitated breaths settled down. As we rocked in the dark, I stared straight ahead in hopes he’d fall back asleep quickly. 

Then, out of the corner of my eye, I noticed he was staring at me. As soon as I saw his face I recognized that look — I’d seen it on the faces of my four other children in the dark of night in that same rocking chair. His sweet face had a soft, relaxed look granting me the power to whisper that everything was okay, to tell him who he is, to restore all things to right-ness. And his eyes held an expectation that I would. So I did. 

I whispered to him he was my good boy and that everything was indeed all right. I assured him that he was loved. His eyelids slowly began to fall, even as he kept his eyes on mine. Soon, dark lashes rested on pale pink cheeks, and his breath slowed to an even rhythm, the rise and fall of his belly pressed right up next to mine. 

Our little guy came to us when he was two years old. We’d been parents four times over at that point, long accustomed to the wonder of watching a child grow up. But when we welcomed this child through adoption, bringing with him a story that’s only his to tell, we found something new to marvel at.  

Attachment, that mysterious, primal mixture of love and need and attunement, doesn’t just happen. Attachment takes intention. It builds moment upon moment, like sand filling an hourglass lifting itself up to the top. Reaching for a hand that you know for certain will be there — well, it takes time to get to the knowing part. It takes being held, being honored, and being heard over and over again.

I held his warm body against my own and let it sink in. Attachment to God works in much the same way. Minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day He responds and attunes to us, renewing the bond and rewiring the mind as He makes all the hard things into something new again. 

God reminds us we have a loving Father at every opportunity. It echoes through Scripture right into the rhythm of our own lives because He knows how important it is for us to understand His love is steady and sure. In Psalm 136, the phrase “His steadfast love endures forever” occurs twenty-six times. It’s repeated every other line in every single verse, beating like a thundering drum tapping out a message of stability, hope, and assurance. Powerful and tangible, it’s a phrase to grab hold of.  

The Psalm reaches back in time and reminds the reader that the same God who made the heavens and earth, the same God who parted the Red Sea, the same God who made kings and struck — His steadfast love endures forever. It covers the past like a blanket, the hard parts and the wonderful parts, the threads weaving in and out of our experiences creating a tapestry He does not want us to miss. Forever means past, present, and future, and His steadfast love covers it all. It’s an integral part of each of our stories — in fact, it’s the most important part.  

God will love us forever. He will tell us who we are, and He will let us attach to Him. We can know the feel of His arms, the sound of His voice, and the depth of His heart because He uses every verse, every story, to remind us that we are His Beloved. 

When the tears come, when the hard parts of our stories do their worst, He is there in the darkest hour of the night. We can trust Him, and we can be expectant that His arms will encircle us, reminding us who we are in His love. 

Choosing to Believe You’re Worthy of Happiness

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Would my mother Ah-Ma come to my wedding? I didn’t know.

One morning, seventeen years ago, I stepped into my Western bridal gown as American Bonnie for our church wedding ceremony, where my husband and I would exchange our vows. Later that night, I changed into my red Chinese wedding silk dress as Asian Bonnie at our wedding banquet.

The traditional silk dress is called cheongsam in the Cantonese dialect spoken in Southern China GuongDong where my parents are from. They escaped to British Hong Kong when the Communist party rose to power during the Cultural Revolution launched by Mao Zedong.

In Mandarin, the silk dress is called chi-pow. Brides wear red to symbolize good fortune and happiness for a new life as a couple.

That day was significant for me. Choosing happiness for myself was very different from the expectations I grew up with. I was taught to focus on the greater good, on what would be helpful and loving for others. Up to that point in my life, most of my life decisions had revolved around making choices for my family — my mother, who was a single mom, and my sister, who was five years younger than me.

I didn’t grow up in a cookie-cutter family that had a mom and dad, so I wondered if I could have the kind of whole-family happiness I’d always longed for. Did I deserve it, or was that selfish?

Happiness was more of an afterthought for me. It was nice when happiness was a part of my experience, as a side benefit to the responsibilities I shouldered. But to choose something simply because it gave me happiness? That seemed too extravagant.

Was I even worth happiness for my own sake if it didn’t serve other people?

So, choosing my husband — a soulmate with whom I’d define happiness together as a couple and later as a family — was a new territory of faith for me.

The morning of my wedding day, I wasn’t sure if my Ah-ma would be there, but I felt God’s peace as the sunlight sparkled through my window to greet me.

A Scripture came to mind, and I heard my loving Savior Jesus whisper,

You are precious to me
and I have given you a place of honor.
I love you.
Isaiah 43:4 (ERV)

The rest of that day was complicated, juggling so many different expectations from various people, but the one thing I remember most about our day was this Scripture from my Heavenly Father.

Happiness is not just important in the Chinese culture but in every culture God created. It gives God joy to see us blossom with happiness. This truth seems so simple and so obviously true to our minds, but will we take steps to embrace it in our hearts and live it out as God’s beloved?

Especially now, as we emerge from the pandemic, we need to keep choosing joy because in a world filled with doubt and division, choosing joy is a step of faith. 

When we feel lonely, longing for companionship, we need to remind ourselves that Jesus understands our desire. Lean into Him. He can make a way for you because nothing is impossible for Him. He’s not holding back from you but wants to see you blossom with happiness. I don’t know what that might look like for you, but the truth is we’re all on a journey to find belonging out of loneliness and beauty out of brokenness. We all want wholeness and love, and God sees that.

Friend, you are worthy of happiness in the unique way that speaks of God’s love, joy, and peace to you personally. What might that look like for you as we emerge from the pandemic? Could it be renewed friendships, a dating relationship, traveling, or simply doing more of what you’re doing now? Whatever it is, go and do that. Joy is meant for us in Christ. God delights to delight you because you are precious to Him.

Choose to believe His joy is for you.

Get a FREE audiobook, journal + book club for my new East-Meets-West book about finding your true worth in Sweet Like Jasmine: Finding Identity in a Culture of Loneliness by signing up here! I’m so excited to encourage you with God’s love with this book! Sign up here!

The Greatest Ruining of My Life

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When I first discovered my husband was having an affair, my whole world quite literally fell apart. I had put my identity in being a good Christian wife, with a good Christian family, sitting in the front row at church and leading a Bible study. I had a formula where A+B=C, as in I am a good girl, so God will bless me and that equals no suffering. But then, suddenly, I wasn’t any of those things anymore. Why would my husband leave if I was good, and why did I need so much help with my children when I was in despair? I’m neither a good wife nor a good mom, so what am I?

To call it a rude awakening is putting it lightly.

It was jolting, and at the time, I wondered why God would allow this to happen to me — His A+ servant doing so much good for Him! I was out there helping people for the Lord, and I didn’t really need that much help myself. I was the one making meals for people and doing the yard cleanups — good thing God was so lucky to have me doing all this work! (I’m being cheeky, and it’s funny now to say these things out loud.)

But this was my awakening, however rude it felt. It was when I finally understood the gospel deep in my bones. Before my husband was even repentant, I felt like God was asking me to forgive him. I wrestled with God a bit on this concept, “He didn’t even say he was sorry. I don’t think he even feels sorry!”

A Scripture passage I had written several months before and never erased glared at me from my chalkboard:

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
Ephesians 4:32 (NIV)

It seemed like God kept asking me more questions, But how did I forgive you?

Romans 5:8 came to mind as an answer, “But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” That Scripture memorization I dragged my feet on as a teen was popping up at just the right time!

While he was still sinning, God had asked me to mimic the gospel to my husband. It was difficult but supernatural work. I don’t tend to want to forgive those actively sinning against me. I’d actually prefer to take a baseball bat to their windshield or demand that I deserve better. But God showed me that I deserved eternal separation from Him, but He still calls me friend. He calls me daughter and gives me an inheritance even though I chase after other things outside Him to find my identity. The gospel confronted me deeply in those tender moments where God was so near to me. 

I can’t begin to tell you all the work God did in my heart during the time my husband and I were separated. We would need 1,000 hours for me to describe it all. But what I can say is that God turned one week into one year with all He did to mend me. I promise you He held the sun from setting just for my heart to supernaturally heal. I came out of that week a forgiving machine, renewed, strong — I had been with God. I forgave the other woman freely. I forgave my husband. I forgave those who knew and didn’t tell me. 

It needs to be said that forgiveness is an alone game, but reconciliation is a together game. I worked alone for a long time to get healthy and strong and to believe that no matter what happened in the future, God would take care of me and that He would redeem my situation even though it might not mean staying married. I had to sit in the in-between for many months, and it was extremely uncomfortable to trust that God knew the perfect timing of events to come.

One monotonously normal day when I was standing at the door with a baby on my hip, I saw my husband walking down the street after not speaking to him for several weeks. I couldn’t believe my eyes. He came to the glass door, and I barely cracked it open, as if it were protecting me from further hurt.

“You’re it for me. I don’t deserve to have you back, but you’re all I will pursue for the rest of my life. I will do whatever it takes to come home. If you can forgive me. If you’re willing.”

I cried. Yes, it was what I had hoped for. But “hope deferred makes the heart sick” (Proverbs 13:12), and my heart had been sick for a while watching my husband choose his sin. But the other part of the verse is this: “but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.”

It has not been easy, to say the least, in our long healing journey, but my marriage has been a tree producing a wonderful friendship with my husband and shade for those walking through marital hardship. It has produced two more children and the most delightful fruit in my own heart in knowing God deeply. All because God let me walk through the most terrible and most gorgeous gospel identity awakening of my life. 

To Him be the glory.

For help on going through marital hurt and betrayal, visit Jami’s website where you can find links to videos, podcasts, and other resources.