When God Says No But Invites You to Something Better

When God Says No But Invites You to Something Better

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Why are God’s no’s so painful? 

As a graduate student, I asked God if I could attend seminary or theology school. I thought nothing could be more pleasing to Him. I considered ‘Pastor’ or ‘Bible Scholar’ to be the highest calling. Also, the academic side of me wanted to be grounded in Greek, Hebrew,  exegesis, and hermeneutics.  

But God said no, and nudged me towards focusing on race. I asked again. Again, He said no, and led me on a path to study race and racism. This was over twenty-five years ago, when it was common to hear in church circles that “the person talking about race is the racist.” As a Christian learning to align her life with God’s heart, hearing this from the church was not only uncomfortable, it was excruciating! 

So for years, as racism continued to fester under the radar for so many churches, God invited me to be immersed in studying patterns, behaviors, and beliefs that are the antithesis of God’s expression of love through the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus. I had the privilege of reading the insights of scholars whose work prompted a transformation in me. 

During this time, Romans 12:2 came to life for me in a new way. Paul writes: “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing, and perfect will.” I used to read this passage with an emphasis on a world/church binary – as in ‘church, please do not follow worldly patterns.’ In this duality, the WORLD is perceived as a fallen state due to the effects of sin, which entered the world through the disobedience of Adam and Eve. As a result, the world is often characterized by greed, selfishness, and moral decay, and is ruled by Satan, the prince of this world. In contrast, the CHURCH is seen as a holy and redeemed community, set apart from the world. Its members are called to live according to God’s will and to pursue righteousness, love, and justice, and to be a witness to the world, sharing the good news of salvation through Christ while demonstrating the love and compassion of God.

But as I lived a transformation, I began to understand Romans 12:2 more vividly! The emphasis shifted to the word ‘this’ – as in this current world that we have inherited. I liken the world to a caterpillar before expanding into its complete fullness as a butterfly.

God’s ‘no’ was an invitation away from this caterpillar world into a chrysalis of mind-renewing, worldview-shifting, faith-building, sacred imagination-invoking, creativity-inducing transformation. The chrysalis held space for me to learn, read, study, examine, research, review my past, and grow. I had to question every custom, pattern, belief, mindset, practice, and lie that racism tells us. I had to disclose every learned narrative that racializes our futures.

The chrysalis demanded an investment – prayer, action, and courage to become a new creature. I committed to new thinking, new imagining, new living, walking, and talking. The transformation was excruciating! It was scary. But it was also empowering and at times, hilarious. 

Now, I look at my family, a reflection of God’s image, love, justice, and belonging, and I understand God’s no all those years ago. My family does not need a wife and mom who can contribute more church and theological vernacular. Our community does not need me to build a social media platform on a so-called ‘hot topic,’ invoke fear, judge or cancel people, or align with a political party. They don’t need me to profess quick fixes and organizational Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion programs, or use spiritual by-passing to avoid the realities of racism. 

My family and community need a wife, mom, and friend who, like a butterfly, has experienced transformation – for whom bridges are obsolete because she can fly. And as she flies, she sees, creates, and navigates a way forward – not just for her family, but for everyone who dares to see her. 

We all want to discern what God’s will is, what He finds good, pleasing, and complete. Discernment is on the other side of delving deep into understanding, developing new beliefs and practices over years of rewiring our brains, disrupting old pathways, and creating new pathways – literally changing the way we think and perceive! 

It all begins with one step. One day. One honest truth at a time. Whether you are called to delve deep into the topic of racism like I am, or God has illuminated another area of brokenness that needs His renewing truth and hope, we can trust that God will lead us to become the women this world needs.

Caterpillars are born with all the parts to become a butterfly. But it is only through the liquifying process within the chrysalis that the butterfly can emerge, transformed, new, and complete with the power to fly. 

Though God’s no’s can be painful, they can also be an invitation to go from crawling to flying.

 

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When You Have a Nasty Neighbor

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“See that house next door?” My friend pointed out her window.

“If our church wasn’t so close, I’d move in a heartbeat. She’s a horrible neighbor and there’s nothing I can do to please her. I know from your Just Open the Door Bible study that we’re supposed to neighbor well, but you don’t understand. She’s impossible.”

I empathized with her situation of challenging neighbors. Last year, we bought an old house to fix up and use as a hospitality home for my newly formed non-profit organization. The Becoming Cottage has already generated a legacy of welcome as I’ve hosted so many women in this small, ordinary space. Yet no amount of baked cookies, encouraging notes, and neighborly kindness has cracked the “Love your neighbor as yourself” code for the property owners behind us.

“I do understand,” I told my friend, “But I also know you have the opportunity to change the culture on your street if we can figure out what it means to really love this neighbor. Not with an agenda. Not as a project. But seeking to understand her story, her deep need. Have you reached out recently?”

She sputtered a bit at my challenge.

Love is hard and I throw that word around much too liberally. I love my morning coffee. I love thrifting. I love spending time with our children. I love French fries dipped in Chick-fil-a sauce. There are so many things I attach the word love to. It’s birthed from my passion and zeal for life, but I don’t want to become numb to the fullness and depth of its true, biblical meaning.

Nothing compares to the love that Jesus spoke about when challenged by one of the Pharisees:

“Teacher, which command in the law is the greatest?” He said to him, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the greatest and most important command. The second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets depend on these two commands.”
Matt. 22:36-40

The word ‘love’ used here stems from the Greek word agape. Agape is defined as “the highest form of love, charity as it embraces a deep and profound sacrificial love that transcends and persists regardless of circumstance.”

My friend and I fleshed out the Greatest Commandment using personal examples, and it convicted us.

Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength even when you can’t fathom the loss of your son or mother.

Love Him when you’re unemployed and struggling to pay the next bill.

Love Him when you’ve been diagnosed with breast cancer, and are terrified of what the future holds.

Love Him when you’re filled with doubt, but feel He’s silent on the matter.

Love the Lord your God with everything you have, even when situations are out of your control.

Here’s the next big challenge. Jesus didn’t pause and ponder part two of His command. He didn’t divide these two instructions into an either/or situation. If we are to make a Gospel impact on those around us, then the way we love our neighbor reveals something about the way we love God. And the way we love God reveals something about the way we love our neighbor. I’ve declared this for years, but to walk it out calls for pouring out selflessly and how often do we choose that?

So many church websites and t-shirts are filled with the exhortation, “Love God and Love Others” and we cosign with a resounding yes! Yet often when the challenging opportunities arise to love sacrificially and surrender our own preferences, we want an easier choice. But God’s commands to love imply even when…

Love your neighbor even when they claim credit for your work.
Love your neighbor even after she un-invites your daughter to a party.
Love your neighbor even when she’s talking about you behind your back.
Love your neighbor even when they report you to the HOA over a meaningless first-world problem.

I’m sure you can fill in your own blank here, but when we walk this out, there’s hope.

Months after our lunch, my friend stepped forward in faith, praying expectantly that she’d release seeds of resentment and have a heart change for her “nasty neighbor.” (Her words, not mine.) I chuckled when she first sent her husband next door as a buffer. He offered to help with yard work and she told me it counted as her first baby step of obedience. Loving their neighbor grew as she then extended a cookout invitation. Shocked at the offer, the neighbors accepted and five years of bitter barriers began crumbling. The hardships shared over brownies and coffee revealed the neighbor’s exaggerated HOA response. Apologies were offered and forgiveness was received. My friends had no idea of their neighbor’s difficulties, but by listening to her story, her deep need was expressed.

A neighboring miracle occurred when she gave the benefit of the doubt. Instead of fueling anger or assuming the worst, a foundation was laid to reach her neighbors for Christ. How different it could have been without extending that one uncomfortable, but simple invitation that changed everything.

Let that be us. Let’s be so fully alive in Him that when we pour into others a spirit of welcome and kindness, there’s no doubt from where that agape love stems.

What neighbor can you love today?

 

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We Need to Be Rooted Before Storms Come

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These last several weeks the skies have been steely gray and mostly rainy, which feels very out of character for Central California where I live. We’ve had unprecedented rain throughout the state since January. In fact, we’ve had so much rain that we’ve already more than doubled the amount of rain for a normal year.

Let’s be clear: we desperately need rain. 

California has been in a drought for years, but this unprecedented rain is also wreaking havoc on the Golden State. Flooding has gutted roads, bridges, and neighborhoods. There aren’t good systems in place to hold the water. Houses, power lines, and cars have been damaged because of large trees falling. A tree recently took out the stoplight at one of the main intersections near my house. Meanwhile, snow abounds in the mountains, which looks beautiful from my balcony but also compounds the flooding problems here in the valley.

On the trails where I run, I daily see the ramifications of these storms and floods. Our beautiful, tree-lined paths are water-logged and washed out in parts. Mud and puddles last for days. Many of the trees are leaning dangerously to one side in the marshy ground. 

When I was out on a run a few weeks ago, I passed a tree that made me stop in my tracks. I called out to my friend who was with me to wait, and then ran back to examine it. The tree was completely toppled, but strangely there was no evidence of roots. I investigated and there was no stump nearby either.

I looked at my friend and said, “That’ll preach.”

Is it any surprise that a tree without roots would be among the first to fall when a storm comes?

That tree was preaching a sermon to me about the importance of being rooted. 

What I have learned about roots is they are vital to the tree. The roots allow nutrients from water to enter the tree and be transported to the branches and leaves. Tree roots also take nutrients and chemicals from the soil and use them to produce what a tree needs for growth, development, and repair. Tree roots anchor a tree in the soil, keeping it straight and stable. 

This is why a tree without roots couldn’t withstand the rainstorm.

The roots of a tree grow underground. They are not seen by those above ground. We might compare this to our private life with Christ. If we want strong spiritual roots, we need to grow a personal relationship with God. We strengthen our roots when we pray, read our Bibles, and worship in various forms. The important growth and connection happens when no one else is watching.

In his letter to the church at Colossae, the apostle Paul talks about the importance of staying rooted in Christ:

“And now, just as you accepted Christ Jesus as your Lord, you must continue to follow him. Let your roots grow down into him, and let your lives be built on him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness.”
Colossians 2:6-8

In the Colossian church, there was a problem with dangerous false teachings creeping in. Paul provides both warnings and teachings through his letter, encouraging the people to find their identity in Christ and follow Him.

As I kept running along the trail, I spotted another fallen tree. This tree had obvious roots protruding from her trunk. She was fully laying down on the ground — uprooted by the storm — but she also had tiny pink blooms all over her branches.

That’s right, she was knocked down by the storm, but she was still blooming. Let that thought root in your heart. She had been uprooted, but there was still evidence of life on this tree.

I do believe it’s possible for someone to bloom even when they are knocked down, even when they are navigating intense trials, even when they are grieving.

These two trees taught me one important truth: storms reveal our roots.

We may think a tree looks strong and sturdy from above ground, but the rains, wind, and storms of life will reveal its true root system.

This motivates me in my daily choices and soul practices to carve out that time to read and study the Bible, listen to worship music in the car with my kids, go on prayer runs, or connect regularly with friends who keep me accountable in my faith walk. These little things matter. It’s not about checking boxes or striving to do things perfectly. Every little bit of time we humbly offer to Jesus allows us to grow.

Friend, let’s remember the call to stay rooted in Christ. Once the storm comes, it’s too late to begin. The goal is to remain rooted in His love and abide in His presence so we can stand strong through all kinds of weather.

Dorina has a new children’s book, Chasing God’s Glory, that leads kids of all ages to discover God and His glory on life’s trails. Find details about the new book and Dorina’s other offerings here! 

 

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What We Think About Matters

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Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
Philippians 4:8-9

It’s easy to get bogged down by the pressures and sorrows of daily life. It’s easy to think about what is discouraging and disappointing. It’s easy to fixate on what is painful or frustrating or half true.

Have you been there? Perhaps you find yourself trapped by tapes playing in your head that say things like, “You’re never going to be good enough. This hard situation will never get resolved. That person will never change and my struggle will always be this way.”

God knows that in a broken world it’s easy to think about the brokenness; in a sinful world it’s easy call out the sin, or give into it. But sin and brokenness are not the end of the story! We’ve got to live like it. This is why Scripture is clear that what we think about matters.

If you are lacking peace in your life today, it’s probably time to take a look at your thought life. What are you telling yourself? What messages from the world are you letting influence you? Are you spending time intentionally thinking about the things of God? Things that reflect His character and kingdom?

God has your best interest at heart. So He invites you to dwell on what is pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy. He invites you to rest in His peace.

 

God Is for Us All

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We are the moms who hug, dance, and snuggle. We are the moms who get overwhelmed, whose snarls sometimes come easier than our smiles. We are the moms who live in the push-pull of exhaustion and joy, in the tumultuous world of feelings and giving all of ourselves.

We are the moms who pray our children will fly while a tiny part of our heart grieves their flight from us, because we are the moms who love those children with every fiber of our being. We’re not sure where they end and we begin, but we know we didn’t begin until they arrived.

We are the moms who work around the clock in a million different ways. Praying. Cooking. Cleaning up. Carpooling to school and dropping off at daycare. Guiding. Loving, always loving. Scolding and worrying. Kissing boo-boos and wiping tears. Breathing deep, in and out, over and over. Chasing their feet and their hearts. Answering emails in the middle of the night. Pulling them back and drawing them in and sending them out. Scrubbing toilets and remembering details and packing lunches and signing papers and pouring out.

We are the moms who love children we didn’t birth. We are the neighbors, aunties, sisters, friends, and church grandmas who love these kids as though they’re our own. We snuggle up to beloved little ones during the sermon at church and pass them hard candies to squelch the wiggles. We attend birthday parties and graduations and weddings, bearing gifts for these dear hearts, setting up tables and making food, and then cleaning up at the end of the day. We rock little babies and help big kids pack for college, tearing up at the thought of them driving away. We light up when our phone dings with a text from a precious high schooler. We read stories and sing songs and carefully choose cards to pop in the mail for every holiday.

We are the moms who haven’t had a night out in ages, and who crave one like oxygen. Who run on grace and caffeine. Who build a meal off of the scraps pilfered from kids’ plates. Who go through more coffee shop drive-thrus than we care to admit. Who are exhausted from being “on” all day at work, and coming home to be “on” longer still.

We are the moms who drive through McDonald’s for milk because we ran out and just cannot drag ourselves into the actual grocery store. Who pay for a latte in change dug out from between the minivan seats. Who cannot make it to church without bickering with our family on the drive. Who are consistently seven minutes late to every appointment. Who perpetually lose socks to the washing machine, and have been known to purchase new underwear instead of washing the pairs we already own. Who take our alone time seriously and guard it fiercely — just like we do our kids.

We are the moms who long for more. More grace. More patience. More coffee. More time (always more time). More space in home and heart. More money. More sleep. More Christ in us. More life in our days. More quiet.

At the same time, we are the moms who long for less. Less laundry. Less fighting. Less yelling. Less clutter. Less selfishness. Less guilt. Less busy. Less stuff. Less dust. Less hustle.

We are the moms who sit in the hallway in tears during bedtime, drained. The moms who sit in empty houses in tears because there are no more babies to tuck in at bedtime. We are the moms who ache for those we’ve lost, for those we’ve wanted, for those we’ve asked for, for those we’ve begged God about and bruised our knees over in earnest prayer. For the babies we couldn’t carry. For the children we’ve lost to heaven and red tape. For the grown children we couldn’t hold on to as they flew our coop to make their lives. For waywards and prodigals and could’ve-beens.

We love this life even when we don’t like it. We love these kids with all of our beings — even when we may not like them very much. We thank God for the gift of love He gives in the form of sticky hands, flown coops, late nights, early mornings, birthday celebrations, cards in the mail, trips to see each other, texts sent, calls placed, and prayers whispered.

We are these moms, and God is for us all.

As Mother’s Day approaches, we know that it is a complex day full of many emotions and experiences. Know that at (in)courage, we are praying for each of you in this season as you remember, celebrate, grieve, or enjoy motherhood and what it means to you. Every single woman who loves, encourages, and nurtures those who become part of the next generation is doing amazing work and is to be celebrated.

Above is an excerpt from our book, A Mother’s Love: Celebrating Every Kind of Mom, which is full of reflections on God’s heart. Featuring unique and diverse stories from the (in)courage community, A Mother’s Love offers heartfelt encouragement to all kinds of moms, whether they’re a mother in a traditional sense, a spiritual mother, or a mother-like figure who breaks the mold. This book is sure to help any woman share a meaningful gift with someone who has been impactful in her life, a new mom learning the ropes, or a close loved one facing the joys and challenges of any stage and type of motherhood. Compiled with all women in mind so we can celebrate those who made us, shaped us, helped us grow, and loved us well, A Mother’s Love is a beautiful gift for the moms in your life.

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Listen in today for a bonus episode of the (in)courage podcast as Becky Keife speaks with author Bonnie Gray! They discuss Bonnie’s new book, Breathe. Listen to the player below or wherever you stream pods!

The Blessing of Being Rooted

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The alarm is set to seven in the morning, but my body listens to the sun barely waking up over the horizon and together we start the day. I fumble around for my glasses, slow-motion my way out of bed, into my robe, and tiptoe into the darkness of the house. It’s quiet and still, and I breathe in the peace of the morning with a deep sigh.

I walk to the kitchen to brew our favorite hazelnut coffee, and as I go through the motions of filling the coffeemaker, I’m overcome by how much I love this, all of this – the life I have, in this home, with my family, in our suburb. It’s altogether strange and wonderful considering how far from this I’d felt for years.

For most of my life, I considered suburbia to be too curated, too boring, too suffocating. To my passionate young self who wanted to live a missionary’s life overseas as I had done growing up, the idea of settling down in a comfortable, convenient place was out of the question for my future. But for some unknown reason, God considered it right and good to bring me back to this place and for me to call it home. Even the mundane rhythms of mothering and homemaking that I once despised have become the very things that keep me grounded and at peace. And the most surprising part has been my renewed love for my local church and her people, my people.

I’m genuinely content and, dare I even say, happy. It’s a strange statement to say out loud, but I’m receiving its truth with tender care. But as I wonder how I got here, I’m beginning to name what shifted for me to see things the way I do now.

One thing I can point to is my decision to be rooted where I am, to choose to love the place I’m in and the people I do life with inside and outside my home. Sometime after the thick of pandemic grief, I started saying that I want to create flourishing wherever I go, wherever I am, and that perspective has changed the way I see myself in my current circumstance. Instead of weighing how much I’m giving up to be where I am against what I’m gaining in return, I simply live fully as I am and offer myself wholly and authentically to the world that is. It’s living and loving generously, vulnerably, and graciously, and my goodness, is it life-giving.

I think of Jeremiah 29:4-7: “This is what the Lord Almighty, the God of Israel, says to all those I carried into exile from Jerusalem to Babylon: ‘Build houses and settle down; plant gardens and eat what they produce. Marry and have sons and daughters; find wives for your sons and give your daughters in marriage, so that they too may have sons and daughters. Increase in number there; do not decrease. Also, seek the peace and prosperity of the city to which I have carried you into exile. Pray to the Lord for it, because if it prospers, you too will prosper.’”

Perhaps these words were difficult to comprehend for the exiles who were displaced in Babylon. “How, God?” they may have pleaded. And this is what I hear the Lord saying to them, to me, to us: “One thing at a time – build, plant, settle in. Be rooted where you are. Live your life, and invest in the flourishing of the place you’re in, of the people you’re with.”

And one day soon, you’ll wake up and go through the motions of a very ordinary day and see that the seeds of flourishing you sowed are blooming into an abundant garden of life and joy right where you are.

 

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Your Pastor’s Wife Needs Friends Too

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I checked my phone all Sunday afternoon. While I was driving home from church. While I was lounging on my living room couch, watching a show. While I was getting dinner ready that evening. I was waiting for that small green notification to pop up on my screen, telling me I’d received a new text message.

I had given my cell phone number to a woman at church that morning and told her to reach out. Maybe we could meet up for coffee or a walk. You know, the things that normal friends do. In terms of my schedule, I was wide open that upcoming week, which I told her. Based on the excitement in our conversation, I figured she would have texted by now.

But the hours turned to days and the days turned into weeks, and I didn’t hear from her.

About two months later, I bumped into the same gal at church and finally got the courage to ask her, “Hey, how come you never texted me?”

She had a sheepish look on her face as she replied, “Sorry! I just assumed you were busy.”

I assured her that my life was just as averagely busy as the next person’s, but I did genuinely want to get to know her better. We can be as busy or unbusy as we want to be, right? When it comes to friendships, I’d like to think that I’m pretty flexible with my schedule and willing to shift things around to make a hang-out possible.

We eventually did get together (and still do hang out)! But the woman’s initial response stuck with me. I have heard words like hers over and over again as a pastor’s wife.

This general assumption that pastors’ wives are super busy is honestly one of the hardest things for me about being a pastor’s wife.

In my twelve-plus years as a pastor’s wife, I’ve regularly battled loneliness. Folks often put pastors’ wives on unfair pedestals, making assumptions about who we are, our accessibility, and even what kind of leadership we should have in the church. Sometimes, people think I’m out doing ministry on the streets 24/7. But, in all honesty, I’m not any busier than the next person, and I need friends just as much as everyone else.

There is a faulty perception in our society today that being productive equates to busyness. We often think that because someone is doing a lot (in my case, writing books and homeschooling, among other things) that they don’t have time in their schedule to hang out.

When we choose to assume someone is too busy to meet up, we create barriers to beautiful God-honoring friendships.

One of the things that I love about Jesus’ ministry is that He never made assumptions about people. He never thought to Himself, “Man, I’d really like to hang out with this person, but I’m sure they’re too busy.” In fact, He just went to people.

In Luke 19, we see how Jesus goes to Zacchaeus and invites Himself over to his house. Jesus literally tells Zacchaeus, while the man is up in a tree no less, that He wants to meet him. And He’s not deterred by a crowd who thinks Jesus’ time would be better spent elsewhere.

There is a beautiful relentlessness in the way Jesus pursued people, and I truly believe pastors’ wives are in need of a similar kind of relentlessness.

It’s challenging when everyone knows bits and pieces of your life as a pastor’s wife, without fully knowing you. Sometimes we’re seen as pastoras, as fellow pastors with our husbands, and all the expectations that come with that. “Hey, how come you’re not teaching at church?” “Why don’t you lead any ministries?” “Why weren’t you at that church event?” The congregation even knows a lot about our marriage to our spouse because our pastor-husbands use our relationship as fodder for sermon examples and as advice in mentoring relationships (and I don’t say that in a negative way).

To an extent, everyone thinks they know the pastor’s wife, and yet far too often no one hangs out with her.

What a pastor’s wife needs is folks in their church who intentionally choose to leave their assumptions at the door. Instead of assuming she’s too busy to meet up, reach out and ask, “Hey, want some company this week?” or “Hey, can I bring some coffee over?”

When it comes to building friendships, pastor’s wives (like everyone else) need to be given the options of “yes,” “no,” “maybe,” or “how about later?”

Rather than assuming that your pastor’s wife has enough friends, doesn’t need encouragement, or is too busy to meet, just ask. Show up. Love on her. Bring her food or a bouquet of flowers, like you would any other friend. Be a shoulder to cry on, or someone to offer a safe listening ear.

Can a pastor’s wife (myself included) be the one to pursue a new friendship? Absolutely. But when you’re in the position of always being expected to initiate or that you’re already relationally full, sometimes it’s really nice to know that someone else cares enough to take that first step.

Just remember: your pastor’s wife needs friends too, and you might just be the exact person she’s been praying would reach out.

 

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This Is the Amount of Faith You Need

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Many years ago, a friend gave me a heart-shaped necklace with a mustard seed tucked inside. The mustard seed was so small, you had to look really close to see it. At the time, that’s how my faith felt. I had been emerging from a very long period of doubt that stretched from my early teen years into adulthood.

It wasn’t just that I doubted God’s goodness. It wasn’t just that I doubted God’s love.

I doubted His actual existence.

I wasn’t an unbeliever, exactly. I was, what I call, a “wanna-believer.” I really, truly did want to believe. But a whole bunch of intellectual obstacles stood between me and God. Apparently, being a “wanna-believer” was enough for God. Because over these years, it’s been clear to me that God hasn’t given up on me yet.

For me, the mustard seed has felt sacred. The fact that God could stoop so low to love someone whose faith was so small? Astounding!

In a culture that values strength and abundance, I think we underestimate what God can do with a little. But open the Bible, and there it is: the reminder that smallness does not disqualify you.

“If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move … and it will move.”
Matthew 17:20

And then, in the book of Mark, Jesus compares the kingdom of God to a mustard seed. Even though it is the smallest of seeds, “it grows and becomes the largest of all garden plants, with such big branches that the birds can perch in its shade (Mark 4:32).

In fact, the gospels include several instances where Jesus reveals the power of this tiny seed.

After Jesus met me on my own crooked path toward faith, I thought my mustard seed would eventually grow into the size of a sunflower seed, and then the size of a tulip bulb. I believed this, because I’d met men and women with gigantic seeds of faith.

Wouldn’t that happen to me, too?

What I’m learning is that, quite often, I’m still carrying around a tiny mustard seed in my heart. Yet, I’m learning to be ok with it.

 I’m learning that it’s not the size of my faith that matters, it’s the size of my God. 

These days, I no longer doubt God’s existence. But my doubt shows up in other ways.

I doubt that God will come through when I need Him to.

I doubt that He hears me.

I doubt that His timing is good.

I doubt that He’ll be faithful.

Just this week, I found myself overwhelmed with a long list of demands — and my faith felt too mustard-seed-ish to push through. I reached out to our fearless (in)courage leader Becky Keife and told her I was struggling. I added, “But God hasn’t failed me yet.” Sometimes, a declaration of God’s faithfulness in the past, will propel you to make use of your mustard-seed faith today.

I’m guessing you have your own small-seed stories too. Friend, He won’t fail you.

When you get to thinking you’re too small or weak for the big things ahead of you, think again. Look to the mustard seed. The seed is dwarfed by a pencil eraser. It’s the kind of seed that would get stuck in your teeth. Think dots-on-the-dice small.

But if you stick this seed in the ground, cover it with dirt, and add water, it will push against the earth with great strength. The odds are stacked against that tiny seed, but it doesn’t matter. The seed defies all odds to muscle forth in bloom.

That’s the power of the mustard seed. Scratch that… That’s the power of God in the seed. 

And that’s the power of God in you. 

Your faith might feel small today. But God says it’s worth something. He says it can move mountains.

Stand back and watch what He does.

And listen… do you hear it?

That’s the sound of a moving mountain.

If today’s post resonates with you, we think you’d like Jennifer’s book Growing Slow. It will help you value the good, small things growing in your life — even that mustard-seed faith of yours.

 

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3 Ways to Break Free of Anxiety When You’re Burned Out and Stressed

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My hair was falling out.

Yes, me – the girl with thick black hair whose hairstylists always declared, “Wow! You have a LOT of hair!” —  quietly freaked out every time I washed my hair. It had gotten so bad that I started stretching out days between washings because I was so discouraged watching hair swirl down the drain on the shower floor.

It started during the pandemic. At first, I wasn’t too worried. “Oh, well, it’ll grow back.”

“Things will be better by the summer,” I told myself. I held my breath, figuring by fall, my boys would return to school and life would return to normal. My anxiety climbed as I tried to juggle looming work deadlines with the gazillion hats I wore — from cheerleading mom to crisis counselor, referee, first-time homeschooling teacher, and short-order cook.

My priorities were my kids and my husband. Me? I’ll figure that out later. 

But the longer the pandemic stretched out, my emotional reserves, once filled with optimism, started thinning — and so did my hair. The more stressed I became, the more hair I seemed to lose.

What I needed was hope. Optimism is imagining how circumstances will get better, but hope is seeing God’s love and care in the midst of bad circumstances. Hope is a refuge in uncertainty when optimism runs dry.

Friend, are you also feeling weary, in the middle of a hard season you thought was temporary, only to discover you’re stretched so thin – you’re burned out, losing your joy and hope?

We often don’t know we’re stressed until our body sends us signals. Our hair starts falling out. Fibromyalgia worsens. We might get migraines, eye twitching, or insomnia. These are common symptoms of burnout that women I work with as a soul care coach share. Scientific studies back this up – women suffer from burnout more than men!

We’re so busy taking care of everyone else, we forget about our well-being. And that’s not good because God cares about you. How you feel matters to God. You are His beloved daughter.

How can we keep pouring out if we don’t make space for God to replenish our emotional reserves?

It breaks God’s heart seeing His little girl – YOU – running ragged. There’s a story of a little girl in the Bible who everyone thought was dead as she lay on her bed without breath. Everyone had lost hope that life could be different — and I can relate to that.

But when Jesus came to where the young girl was, He took her hand . . . and His gentle, loving touch brought her back to life! Guess what was the first thing Jesus said? Give her something to eat (Mark 5:43).

Notice: Jesus didn’t tell the girl to serve the crowd gathered outside. Jesus didn’t tell her to go do her chores. Instead, Jesus lovingly focused on her well-being.

It’s important to God that we nourish our bodies with rest and take time to feel His loving touch — which can revive us with hope.

How do you respond to stress? Do you feel uncomfortable taking time out to do something that brings you peace or joy? Or do you try to fill up by doing something productive for “the crowd” or doing chores instead of nurturing your well-being?

To encourage you, I’d like to share three changes that helped me rest when I was burned out. God wanted me to believe I was worthy of care and take action in the midst of my hard, messy now.

First, I needed to eat better. Because I was trying to squeeze in a bottomless checklist of to-do’s, I was skipping lunch, and eating odds-and-ends. Eat lunch, Bonnie! You need protein.

Second, I needed to face my fear and let go of expectations. I had to let go of responsibilities that were no longer healthy for me. Despite worst-case scenarios playing in my head, I asked God for courage and asked friends to support me in creating boundaries.

Third, I began praying Breath Prayers to nurture hope whenever I felt overwhelmed. It’s a simple way to pray using Scripture to release tension in your body and re-oxygenate your soul with God’s peace as you breathe in God’s love and breathe out your worries.

Hand your problems over to Jesus as you pray this breath prayer from 1 Peter 5:7: “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”

Inhale: I cast all my anxiety on You.
Exhale: Because You care for me.

With each breath you take, name each worry and give it to God in prayer.

To hope again is to believe God will help us. Hope gives us permission to do things differently and to believe God will be faithful. His love fuels your hope, and hope is the oxygen your soul breathes. 

Since I’ve made changes to my schedule, nutrition, and my expectations, my hair stopped falling out as much. Over time, my hair health began to be replenished.

God can renew your hope. Jesus tenderly folds your hand in His, loving you unconditionally.

Thank You, Jesus, for being my anchor and my hope. Help me rest in You. Amen.

“We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.”
Hebrews 6:19

How can you take better care of yourself?  Which of the three changes from today’s devotional do you need to take to heart?

—

Do you ever feel so worried, you can’t turn off those worrisome thoughts? In her new practical guidebook to lower stress, Breathe: 21 Days to Stress Less & Restore Chaos to Calm, Soul Care expert and author Bonnie Gray shares 21 stressors and 21 solutions to help you find your spark of joy!

This guidebook will refresh weary hearts to flourish in four areas of wellness – emotional, physical, spiritual, and social. With breath prayers based on Scripture and science, Breathe will help you break free from worry, stress, and anxiety. Order by April 13th and receive a free 4-video wellness Bible Study from Bonnie when you sign up here!

Order your copy of Breathe today . . . and leave a comment below for a chance to WIN one of 5 copies*!

Then join Becky Keife for a conversation with Bonnie this weekend on the (in)courage podcast. Don’t miss it!

 

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*Giveaway open to US addresses only and closes at 11:59 pm central on 4/16/23. Winners will be drawn at random and notified via email. Please allow 4-6 weeks for delivery.

Are You a Rescuer? Try This in Your Relationships Today…

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Someone I love video calls me and as soon as I answer, I can hear the tears in her voice. She’s having a tough time. My first instinct is to try to rescue her. I care about her, after all. Doesn’t that mean I should make the pain stop? Try to fix the problem? Put on my superhero cape and save the day?

For years I thought that was true. But I’m coming to understand there is a better way. So instead, I pause and take a deep breath. Then I ask God to help me see her. Yes, I mean truly see her — pause to give her my full attention, listen closely, stop everything I’m doing, and honor her with my complete focus. But I also mean SEE her, an acronym I’ve started using in situations like this one.

Support – This is different than rescuing, which says, “I’ll do this for you.” Support instead says, “You can do this, and I’m here to help.” One means taking responsibility for someone; the other means coming alongside others as they take responsibility for themselves.

Empathy – Sympathy says, “I feel sorry for you” while empathy says, “I truly want to understand what you’re feeling.” One implies that you’re somehow better than the other person, while the other expresses that we are all on this human journey together.

Encouragement – Spiritual cliches imply, “I want you to feel better because your pain makes me uncomfortable,” while encouragement expresses, “I want to remind you of what’s true — who you really are, how much you’re loved, that you’re not alone — so discouragement doesn’t make you give up.”

Rescuing can feel good in the moment but it eventually undermines relationships and leads to resentment. Why? Because we are created for “one another” relationships. Rescuing creates an unequal situation between people.

The opposite of rescuing is empowering people. My definition of empowerment is living in the fullness of who God created you to be and faithfully following what He has called you to do. For this to happen, each of us must take ownership of our own journey.

We will all have to face challenges, pain, and disappointments along the way. Jesus said, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world” (John 16:33). If I had said this it would sound more like, “I have told you these things, so that you may see how much you need me. Then you’ll love me and never leave me.”

So much of my rescuing has come not from love but from fear. If I help this person feel better, then they’ll want me. If I can solve this problem, I’ll prove my value. If I can save the day, then I’ll be invited back into this person’s life tomorrow. Can anyone else relate?

Shifting this pattern starts with realizing that we are already loved. There is no fear in love, says John later on in the New Testament. When we stop being afraid, we can also stop rescuing and start empowering. Because we’re no longer driven to prove how much we’re needed.

At the end of the call, the person I love lets out a deep breath and says, “Thank you, I feel better.” I can see the light coming back to her eyes, the tension in her shoulders releasing, her beautiful spark returning. She didn’t need me to rescue her. She just wanted me to walk beside her.

Isn’t that what Jesus does for us too? He doesn’t rescue us from all of our problems, but He does offer us His presence. He doesn’t fix every failure, but He does support us through them. He doesn’t do the hard work of being human for us, but He does let us know He understands what it’s like.

Jesus invites us to care for each other like He does. I’m still learning what that means, and all the ways His version of love is so much braver and better than just my rescuing.

Understanding who God created us to be equips us to serve and support others. If you’re an introvert, learn more about your quiet strengths in Holley’s upcoming release, Introvert by Design: A Guided Journal for Living with Confidence in Who You’re Created to Be. If you’re an extrovert, share it with an introvert you love!

 

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Our Hope for Easter Sunday

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Mary was standing outside the tomb crying, and as she wept, she stooped and looked in. She saw two white-robed angels, one sitting at the head and the other at the foot of the place where the body of Jesus had been lying. “Dear woman, why are you crying?” the angels asked her. “Because they have taken my Lord,” she replied, “and I don’t know where they have put him.” 

She turned to leave and saw someone standing there. It was Jesus, but she didn’t recognize him. “Dear woman, why are you crying?” Jesus asked her. “Who are you looking for?” She thought he was the gardener. “Sir,” she said, “if you have taken him away, tell me where you have put him, and I will go and get him.”

“Mary!” Jesus said. She turned to him and cried out, “Rabboni!” (which is Hebrew for “Teacher”).

“Don’t cling to me, “ Jesus said, “for I haven’t yet ascended to the Father. But go find my brothers and tell them, ‘I am ascending to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God.’” Mary Magdalene found the disciples and told them, “I have seen the Lord!” Then she gave them his message.
John 20:11-18 NLT

We celebrate this Jesus — the One who conquered death and rose again, the One who sees us and calls us by name, the One who meets us in our grief and hopelessness.

He has risen!
He is life.
He is with us.

Our message to others today is the same as Mary’s was then: we have seen the Lord! May this bring comfort to our hearts, and may the power of the resurrection be evident in our lives, even now. We link arms with you, sisters, as we celebrate the resurrection of Jesus. Because He lives, we have hope.

Happy Easter!

It Is Finished

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Jesus said, “It is finished.”
John 19:30 

A few years ago, my church read through the Bible chronologically. As we traveled through the desert with the Israelites and watched them make the same mistakes, over and over and over, I wondered if maybe we’re all programmed to repeat history. I wondered if getting stuck in a cycle is inevitable, if it’s possible to avoid the experience of looking at a hard situation and realizing that you’ve been there before, that it’s not as new or surprising as you initially thought. 

Strangely enough, those Old Testament stories and my wondering made me think of Winnie the Pooh. While Pooh wasn’t looking for a new home outside the Hundred Acre Wood, that silly bear and his friends got lost in the woods so many times! In book after book, movie after movie, we saw them wandering around in circles, following their own footprints, jumping at every mysterious sound they hear, and passing the same landmarks again and again. Winnie the Pooh and his friends were just as lost and confused as the Israelites. And they were just as mixed up and frightened as I am in the same scenario. 

Now, I certainly don’t mean that I’ve spent decades lost in the same forest. Not literally, at least. I’ve never been haunted by howls or Heffalumps; I’ve never been chased by mysterious animals or gotten so hungry for honey that I begin hallucinating. But have I ever crawled to the end of one race only to be tossed into the middle of another one? Have I ever faced trial after trial after trial until it feels like I’m crawling through mud, like I’m dragging myself through the miry clay? Have I wandered away from the path God made for me, following my own desires and dreams instead of His? Oh yeah. 

Sometimes I’m lost because I’m an Israelite at heart, returning to the same fear and pride and anger that got me in trouble in the first place. When that happens I’m almost always slow to recognize the pattern of my own sin, the responsibility I own for my stress. And even once I do, figuring out how to break the cycle can seem just as difficult and exhausting as sitting and suffering in sin. 

Sometimes I find myself [metaphorically] in the woods because this life is hard, because circumstances are out of my control and, seemingly, out to get me. And sometimes saying, “when it rains, it pours,” doesn’t even come close to describing the mind-numbing weariness that comes with one hard situation after another, with a season determined to illustrate Jesus’ claim that we will certainly face tribulation in this life. 

And sometimes we face a situation that is unlike our previous experience but shares enough characteristics with something that’s hurt us or something we’ve struggled with in the past that it brings it all up again. And we find ourselves thinking: Aren’t we out of the woods yet? How can we be lost again? Aren’t we over this thing? 

But not only did Jesus predict that we would face trouble in this world, He declared that He has overcome this world. And when He was breathing His last breaths on the cross, He answered our desperate cries once and for all. “It is finished,” He cried. It is finished. Though we may feel dizzy with the tribulations of this world, Jesus has promised—both in word and in beautiful, blood-spilling deed—that while we may have started the cycle of sin and entered the proverbial woods of this world, He has finished it. He has borne the weight of every one of our sins, every ounce of mud, every dark corner of the woods, every toss of the cruel wind. He took it all, and He rose victorious.

He faced our fears and our doubts and our sin, and He won. It might not feel like it yet, but we know the war is over. 

It is finished.  

Remember, when you face something that feels achingly familiar, it will not torment you forever. We know how our every story ends and who wins the war; God wrote the ending when His Son gave His life for ours. All our reflection and repentance, our sacrifice and serving, our humbling and hoping—it’s all led us here, to the cross. Lent has prepared us to arrive at the very moment when Jesus took our place in the desperate, doomed battle against the woods and won, where He declared, “It is finished.” 

It is finished. Our time in the wilderness and the woods is over. Our Lord has died, for us, but He’s risen again. And it is finished. 

Oh Lord, I am overwhelmed. The thought of You taking the punishment for my sin, the thought of You fighting my every battle—I’m overcome with gratitude, Lord! I am not worthy, but I am thankful. And I’m relieved. I’m relieved to know I won’t be bombarded with the tribulations of this world forever. I’m relieved to know I don’t have to fight this war, that You’ve already won, and that even if it doesn’t feel like it yet, I know You finished this battle once and for all. Thank You, Jesus! Thank You. I love You. Amen. 

Excerpt from Journey to the Cross: Forty Days to Prepare Your Heart for Easter by Mary Carver.

It’s not too late to have a meaningful Lenten season. Let us send you a FREE sampler from our Lenten devotional, Journey to the Cross! Journey to the Cross: Forty Days to Prepare Your Heart for Easter was written with women of all stages in mind so that we can all better experience the power and wonder of Easter with intentionality and depth. Also, join us daily in our Instagram stories for a brief passage, prayer, or Scripture from Journey to the Cross. We hope it will bless your Lenten season.

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Where Is the “Good” in Good Friday?

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I was well into my thirties the first time I cried over the crucifixion of Jesus Christ.

Throughout my life, I had listened to hundreds of sermons about Christ’s death. I had read about it extensively, had even understood that His sacrifice happened not only for the world in general, but for me personally.

Yet it wasn’t until noon on a Good Friday that I wept over it.

The breakdown happened at a very small service in the dimly lit sanctuary of our country church. Fewer than a dozen people were in the room. We sat in chairs circling a large wooden cross, which was laying on the floor. Nails and hammers were strewn about.

The pastor gave a short message, read from the Gospels, and then asked each of us to pick up a nail and pound it into the wooden cross. I moved down from the chair, obediently dropped to my knees, picked up a nail between my fingers, and touched the end, feeling its sharpness. I picked up a hammer, set my nail in place, and pounded it into the wood.

I think we were supposed to do just one nail per person, but I couldn’t stop. I picked up another and another and another after that. I couldn’t stop pounding in nails, and I couldn’t stop counting the cost of it all. Thoughts came flipbook style in my brain, reminding me of my past, my present, and my probable future of sin. I saw the sin of my youth, poor choices, misplaced desires, selfish intentions. I saw my apathy, my disinterest in the pain of others, my side-switching heart that had betrayed Christ time and again.

In a moment, I was the thief on the cross, crying out to Jesus with a shaking voice, “Remember me when You come into Your Kingdom.” He looked upon me with love, and I burst into tears.

The service wasn’t over, but I dropped the hammer to the floor and walked out of the circle, out of the sanctuary, out of the church, wild with grief, as every set of eyes followed me out the door, maybe wondering, “What in the world just happened to Jennifer?”

Or maybe they knew I had just experienced a new depth of Christ’s love for me.

I walked across the highway that separates our white-steepled church from the cemetery. I leaned on the graveyard fence, staring out at rows of headstones. So much sorrow, so much death. Yet, the sun shone so brightly overhead that I had to squint. Robins chirped in the trees, annoying me with their cheerful songs. I wanted to shout to them, “Stop, just stop! Don’t you realize that Jesus suffered an unthinkable death?”

I didn’t say that. But I did ask myself this: Where is the “good” in Good Friday, God? Why so much pain? Why couldn’t there be another way?”

The tears and the questions birthed something in me. In that moment, my soul was being awakened to my great need for Jesus, not just once, but every single day.

I don’t like to gaze upon a cross and see a man hanging in pain while paying the debt I couldn’t pay. But I must.

All these years later, I wonder if we all need to weep at cemetery fences during Holy Week. I wonder if we all need to pound nails into wooden crosses and come to terms with the necessity of Christ’s death. I used to wear a t-shirt with the words, “I am the wretch the song refers to,” and maybe I need that reminder a little more often than I think I do.

These days, we all hear a lot of inspiring messages about finding our purpose, recapturing our peace, reclaiming our joy, or making time for rest and self-care. On and on it goes. And I believe all of those messages are vital.

But what about our sin? Why don’t we talk about sin, our very own sin, more than we do?

When we don’t see the gravity of our sin, we don’t really see our need for Jesus. Until my own Good Friday moment, I had missed my own wretchedness. And candidly, I still do. I get caught up in living my comfortable life, giving God a daily list of demands and hoping He’ll come through for me.

I wonder, today, if we need a little bit more Good Friday in all our days. Not that we ought to crucify ourselves — or each other — over and over again. Jesus died once and for all, and yes, He overcame the grave, crushing the enemy forevermore.

But when we gaze upon the cross, it sweetens the victory found in an empty tomb. It insulates us from watering down the Good News into some sort of prosperity gospel that tells believers that a life in Christ leads to comfort and success. God didn’t promise easy lives. He calls us to the pain of sacrifice that demands something of us. He calls us to take up crosses and follow Him.

On Sunday, we will celebrate Easter. But before we do, let’s look upon the Friday hill from which a red-stained sacrifice flows fresh.

Let’s see it for what it is — a full payment for a debt we owed but simply couldn’t pay. He loves us that much.

And that’s what puts the “good” in Good Friday.

This article was written by Jennifer Dukes Lee and first appeared on (in)courage in 2021.

 

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The End of an Era

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Our family will celebrate two milestones in May: our youngest child will graduate from high school and, after 30 consecutive years, I’ll retire from my job as a homeschool mom. This also means we’re in our final sports season with a child at home. We’ve cheered for our children at hundreds of baseball and softball games, as well as countless track and cross-country meets. So much is coming to a close.

To call it the end of an era feels like an understatement.

I’ll be glad to sleep in on Saturday mornings instead of driving to track meets. I’ll be happy to have the option of spending my day in heated or air-conditioned comfort, depending on the weather, instead of standing outside in 40-something degrees wearing three layers of clothes, or on the flip side of seasons, searching for a spot of shade under the team canopy in the sweltering heat. But I’d be lying if I said I won’t be sad about it too. It’s bittersweet, for sure.

I’ve known for years that this final graduation might wreck me emotionally (I shared my feelings about graduating our four youngest within a six-year period here), but admittedly, I’ve focused on how I feel about my daughter’s graduation much more than how I feel about mine. At long last, I’m beginning to glimpse the gift in it. There’s a feeling of lightness when you lay down something you’ve shouldered for a time. Thirty years of homeschooling eight children carries a weight of responsibility I’ve been blessed to bear, but I’m ready to release it.

Several friends graduate a child this year, some their first and some their last; for families with one child, it’s all of the above. Graduations bring transition. They disrupt our routines and change our roles. And for many of us, change can be difficult to embrace.

It occurs to me that this cycle — the graduating, the leaving, the change in family dynamics — has taken place around me all my life. After graduation, my daughter wants to move out of state for a while, closer to one of her sisters, and I have to remember that I was once the one who left home, went to college, got married, and moved away. I only saw it from my point of view then, not my parents.

Children live at home for just a fraction of their lives and for only a fraction of ours too. Our journey together begins with small yet monumental things like changing diapers and learning to walk and talk, and progresses on to teaching right from wrong, how to behave when you win and when you lose, and supporting them when they’re betrayed by a friend. Eventually, we’re planning graduation parties, packing boxes when they move out, and holding their children, our precious grandchildren.

It’s easy to assume our children will need us less as they age — and in some ways that’s true — but as the mother of adults, I’ve seen that as they mature, so do our relationships. I want mine to know Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life and that I’m always there for them. Proverbs 22:6 tells us to “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.”

Mothers are North Stars, guiding our children back towards the comfort of family and home; our legacies have lasting value.

Fellow moms of seniors, don’t feel dismissed if your graduate thinks they know everything and you know little. Independence is a necessary stage of growth. One day they’ll know the truth we all learn: there are seasons that nothing but the grace of God and the unconditional love of family will carry us through.

I want to step into this new stage with grace and a full heart, thankful for my children, and blessed to be their mom. If you’ve graduated your youngest, I’d love to hear from you. If you’re graduating a senior this year, how do you feel?

 

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How My Grandma’s Forgiveness Footsteps Saved My Life

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My grandmother was born at a time when African Americans, both young and old, referred to any mature Black woman as “Ms.”, which meant that everyone on the Black side of my small town called my grandmother Ms. Magnolia. But I called her Grandma. She was warm, round, and always smelled like Red Door perfume. I still dream about her German Chocolate cake, even though she passed away fourteen years ago. I spent almost every summer day with Grandma while my parents worked. There was a lot about my grandmother’s life that didn’t make sense until I got older.

As an adult, I realized that the choices my grandmother made when I was a child would become the footprints of forgiveness God would use to save my life as an adult decades later.

Before I was born, my grandparents divorced because of my grandfather’s infidelity. I only saw Granddaddy on the holidays, even though he lived in our little small town. Grandma’s hurt and anger blended into bitterness, resulting in dangerous bleeding ulcers and frequent hospitalizations. The seriousness of Grandma’s medical problems sparked a wake-up call in her life that she needed to lean back into her Christian faith. As Grandma began her forgiveness journey, her body began to heal and her joyful attitude returned.

When I was around ten years old, I ran into my grandma’s little apartment and discovered that my grandfather was there. He’d had hip replacement surgery and no one else was available to help him. As a kid, I didn’t understand everything that was going on, but I was able to see that my grandma took care of my grandfather when he couldn’t take care of himself.

After my grandfather recovered, he began stopping by our house almost every day. He’d bring my mom fresh catches from fishing or hang out with my dad. He’d pick me up from sports or drive my sister and her cello to school. Grandma’s forgiveness helped her recover physically and emotionally, but it also opened the door for Granddaddy to become part of our lives. Her forgiveness changed our grandfather, who found ways to regularly slip money to my mom and aunts to help take care of things my grandmother needed.

Little did I know that my grandmother’s journey would one day become a path to healing and peace for me.

A week after my grandfather’s funeral in 2003, my grandmother told me that the best life decision she had ever made was to forgive my grandfather. While she never minimized the pain that his choices inflicted on her and their children, Grandma had experienced the blessing that came with letting go of her pain and bitterness. While there were bumps and setbacks over the years when certain triggers got pushed, Grandma’s footsteps of forgiveness didn’t fade away and her example was imprinted in my mind.

Seven years after my grandmother passed away in January 2009, I was the wounded wife. For a time, anger, bitterness, and self-righteousness started tasting pretty good. Yet, God used my grandmother’s forgiveness footprints to gently press conviction across the raw shreds of my broken and bitter-leaning heart.

On a cold day that January in my prayer closet, I had to make a choice: Would I get better or give in to being bitter? God illuminated the memories of my grandmother’s forgiveness footsteps and wooed me toward better. Following in those footsteps took time. But every step I took away from bitter toward better loosened the chokehold that anger and hopelessness had on my heart. Each time I made the choice to forgive, I experienced a little more freedom and peace, which is what my heart longed for all along.

Much has been written about Jesus’ teaching to Peter in Matthew 18:22 about the 70×7 forgiveness principle:

“No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven!
Matthew 18:22

When we’re hurt, our desire is to cut people off in the hope that the pain cuts off as well. Part of our struggle with forgiveness is that the pain doesn’t go away immediately, so our attempts at forgiveness can feel like a failure. Yet, as I reflect on the context of Jesus’ teaching and my grandmother’s example, I see forgiveness as a journey more than just the number of times we forgive someone. Even as Jesus’ 70×7 teaching prompts us toward obedience, could it also be a reminder that forgiveness may need to be repeated over long periods of time?

Life hurts, but God doesn’t want unforgiveness to hold us hostage in negativity and bitterness. So, if we stop seeing forgiveness as an instant action and instead, we live it as a symbol of a process or a journey, we put ourselves in a position to experience God’s freedom and healing peace much sooner. One day at a time, friends. What matters is that we keep moving in the footsteps of forgiveness and do not give up.

 

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It’s Okay to Be Weird

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When I was a little girl, my favorite thing to hear was that I was weird. Whether the words came affectionately from the lips of my mom, or as a critical observation from the kid across the street, I didn’t care.

“You’re so weird” made me beam — because I was weird.

I was a girl who happily (and confidently) marched to the beat of my own very unrhythmic drum.

When I was seven years old, the year was 1989, and neon green biker shorts with a black polka dot skirt and fluorescent pink tank top was my favorite outfit. But I took the typical bright 80’s color scheme to my own Becky level. I was sure to complement my outfit with my beloved dinosaur canvas sneakers . . . that I got in the boys’ section. The shoes came with boring white laces that didn’t meet my high fashion standards, so I swapped them out for primary red.

Add to this charming ensemble the fact that I convinced my older sister to braid my hair in three sections and then crimp my bangs. Yep, weird was probably the word that came to everyone’s mind.

At the tender age of seven, I had yet to grow a self-conscious bone. I was just me. Tree-climbing, alphabet-burping, puzzle-solving, book-loving, roller-blading Becky. And I was hungry for affirmation of what I knew was true — that I was perfectly, wonderfully, and weirdly made.

Gosh, I was a great kid.

At forty-one, I’m still great, but somewhere between then and now, my hunger for compliments shifted. Somewhere along the way, I stopped wanting to be seen for exactly me, and I started striving to please others. Instead of weird, I wanted to be beautiful. Instead of being unique, I wanted to be accepted, influential, admirable, successful. I started caring about others liking me more than I cared about liking myself.

And even deeper than that, I started forgetting who God says I am. Instead, I tried to cram myself into a mold that wasn’t made for me.

Have you done this, too?

It’s natural for our childhood selves to mature into adolescents with greater self-awareness and then into adults with age-appropriate inhibitions. But that doesn’t mean shoving down, casting out, or numbing over the parts of ourselves that make us stand out for the sake of blending in or receiving someone else’s approval.

If you’re a dreamer, don’t cram yourself into the box of an analytical thinker.
If you’re loud, don’t let the world stifle your voice.
If you’re vibrant, don’t dull your edges.

If you’re intellectual or artsy, stoic or outdoorsy, don’t let an outside voice tell you that another personality or strength is more attractive, valuable, or palatable.

The amazing thing about God is that He doesn’t mess up. Your shyness is on purpose. Your love for a good debate is intentional. Your fast talking or slow processing is not a mistake.

Do we each have areas where we need to grow? Absolutely! We are all on a journey of being refined to become more like Christ. But, friend, hear this: acknowledging your growth edge doesn’t negate the essential beauty of who you already are.

One of my favorite quotes is credited to Saint Irenaeus, a 2nd-century Greek bishop, who said, “The glory of God is man fully alive.” God receives glory when we live out of the fullness of who He made us to be.

Have you ever known someone who just sparkles? Who shines from the inside out, not because of what they did but because of Who is in them? The Creator gets the glory when His creation stays true to His intentional design.

“For it was you who created my inward parts;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I will praise you because I have been remarkably and wondrously made.
Your works are wondrous, and I know this very well.”
Psalm 139:13-14

Do you know that you are God’s remarkable creation? If the belief has slipped into the cracks of time, let me be the one to remind you. Sister, the way God made you is wondrous! You are distinct. Set apart. A one-of-a-kind masterpiece!

What would happen if you lived like it?

These days I’m re-learning how to let the bright and bold confidence of my youth reemerge. I wear vibrant turquoise tennis shoes that clash with most outfits. I make up silly songs and sing them off-key in the kitchen with my kids. I stay quiet when people expect me to speak. I keep writing about Jesus even if it’s not the popular thing.

I think it’s okay that I no longer want to be known as weird. Instead, I just want to be known as loved. And from that place of being loved, I can embrace and love others — weirdness and all.

You, sister, are so loved.

When we walk with the assurance that we are God’s beloved daughters — holy and chosen and wonderfully made — we can confidently march to whatever beat He gives us.

 

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