3 Steps to Rebuild Life After Heartbreak & Loss

3 Steps to Rebuild Life After Heartbreak & Loss

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I don’t know how I could have lost it, but I did. My wallet.

I just got back from Christmas shopping at Costco and was so happy that I found some great gifts at great sale prices. But when I got home to unload the groceries and my gifts, I realized — with a drop in my stomach — that I couldn’t find my wallet. It was a pink wristlet, a special birthday gift from a friend.

An hour later, after zooming back to the store, looking in all the shopping carts, and turning my car inside out, I had to accept the truth: my wallet was gone. And something very valuable was in my wallet: a rebate check from Costco for purchases earlier in the year.

All the savings I scooped up that morning flew away, like dollar bills with wings.

But then, I got an idea. I called Costco and asked if they could cancel the rebate check and issue me a replacement. “Yes, don’t worry,” they assured me. Even if someone found the check, they couldn’t use it because my membership number is on it. Only the owner of the check can use the credit.

It reminded me of the love that God says is ours in times we find ourselves with that same pit-in-your-stomach heartbreak or hopelessness.

There are moments in life when we may feel overwhelmed by grief and loss. The person we want to love us has left us. Or the dream we held onto for so many years has slipped from our grasp. And we feel abandoned.

We are not left to despair. God’s love for you can never be lost.

Your name is on God’s heart, and your challenges, disappointments, and losses are always on His mind.

“Can a woman forget her nursing child or lack compassion for the child of her womb? Even if these forget, yet I will not forget you. Behold, I have inscribed you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me.”
Isaiah 49:15-16

It’s true. The one thing that is impossible to lose is the very thing God longs to give you anew today: His love.

As we approach Valentine’s Day emphasizing love and relationships, memories of loss and heartbreak may surface. How do we respond?

First, stand firm in your faith. Remember God’s goodness is like the Costco rebate check holding credit that can’t be stolen: God’s love for you will never expire. Nothing and no one can thwart God’s plans prepared just for you.

Jesus leaves the ninety-nine for just one. God will give you the care you need. God’s love will heal your heart. It’s His promise. “I have loved you with an everlasting love” (Jeremiah 31:3).

Second, take action. When those difficult emotions surface, take these three soul care action steps to rebuild life after heartbreak and loss. They helped me and I know they’ll empower you, too!

STEP 1:  Strengthen your faith by speaking God’s loving promises to yourself.

Simply saying, “I’m fine” doesn’t help us. God wants us to be honest. But did you know agreeing with how God sees us — when we tell ourselves the truth about our values and strengths — improves emotional wellness?  Studies show you will feel more hopeful, happier, optimistic, and less sad and angry, by writing down your strengths and what’s important to you. What is a Scripture that gives you hope?

STEP 2:  Take time for yourself.

It’s okay when difficult emotions come out. Name the emotion, then take action to do what brings you peace and joy. Jesus takes pleasure in seeing you take care of yourself. A UCLA study shows simply naming negative emotions calms anxiety in your body! What can you do today to help yourself breathe in God’s peace and joy?

STEP 3:  Sing a song to release emotions and renew your faith with worship.

Singing or listening to worship delivers two powerful benefits: it helps you release the sadness that has built up, and lifts your emotions back up by reminding you that God has been good to you and He will be faithful do it again! Research shows music calms our nervous systems, alleviates pain, and helps us sleep when we listen at bedtime.

As you practice these three soul care steps, your heart will breathe in and breathe out God’s deep, renewing love for you that can never be lost.

Look down as Jesus tenderly folds His hand into yours. Rest in His embrace. You can rebuild life after loss and heartbreak because our Loving Savior who owns the cattle on a thousand hills and knows every bird on every mountain has an unending supply of goodness and treasure reserved just for you.

Which of the 3 soul care steps encourages you?
How is God calling you to rebuild your life with His love?

Want more tips to improve your emotional wellness? Sign up for Bonnie’s free Breathe Wellness Bible Study when you preorder her new book Breathe: 21 Days to Stress Less and Transform Chaos to Calm and register (click here).

 

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Google or God? (+ a Launch Day Giveaway!)

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We’re thrilled to tell you that our newest (in)courage Bible study, Create in Me a Heart of Wisdom, is now available! Cue the confetti! This Bible study features the real-life, going-first kind of stories you know and love from our (in)courage writers and an in-depth yet accessible Scripture study — like the excerpt we’re sharing below, written by Grace P. Cho. Read on for a taste of Create in Me a Heart of Wisdom:

“The Lord brought me forth as the first of his works, before his deeds of old; I was formed long ages ago, at the very beginning, when the world came to be.”
Proverbs 8:22–23

Raise your hand if you reach for your phone, open up a browser, and ask Google for the answer to every question you have. Whether we’re searching for solutions to everyday problems, like how to unclog a sink drain, or searching for answers to more serious matters, like what side effects are caused by a parent’s cancer medication, the internet has become our source of help, hope, knowledge, and wisdom. First of all, let’s thank God for access to such a wealth of information! But then let’s ask ourselves, How often do we turn to Google instead of God for wisdom?

I’m raising my hand right there with you! It’s easy to turn to every other reliable source out there when we need guidance in understanding something. Trusting what’s tangible is simpler than having faith in the unseen — and sometimes that’s okay! God has given us tools, resources, friends, and mentors to help us live well, but we want to make sure that our ultimate source of understanding knowledge is the wisdom of God.

The Bible consists of sixty-six books written by various authors and in different genres. One genre is wisdom literature, which includes Job, Proverbs, and Ecclesiastes. Together, these books share practical insights into how to live wisely.

In Proverbs 8:1–9, God’s wisdom is personified as a woman who stands at the city gates and urges us to listen and heed her call. Let’s take a deep breath, settle in, and listen to what she has to say to us today.

Read Proverbs 8 in its entirety. What parts stand out to you about Wisdom and why?

Wisdom offers herself fully, freely, and generously to anyone who will listen and choose her — regardless of our beliefs, status, life experiences, or background. And whether we’re aware of it or not, wisdom is applied by people every single day in all spheres of life — whether it’s by kings and rulers, as verses 15–16 tell us, or by the special needs teacher who’s figuring out how to care for and educate her students well, or by the employee who wants to hold their manager accountable for inappropriate behavior, or by the young woman who notices the toxic behavior of a friend and doesn’t know what to do. Everyone needs wisdom to live this life well.

For each sticky situation we find ourselves in and for all the knowledge we need help understanding, we have access to the ultimate source of insight we need: the wisdom of God.

God’s wisdom is necessary for people to survive and flourish and fully enjoy life. His wisdom is our ultimate guide and has been since the very beginning of time. Thus, our passage for today:

“The Lord brought me forth as the first of his works,
before his deeds of old;
I was formed long ages ago,
at the very beginning, when the world came to be.”
Proverbs 8:22–23

The wisdom of God created boundaries where there was formlessness, light where there was darkness, and order out of chaos. And as God delighted over each day’s work, so did wisdom (v.31).

Now, in the same way, wisdom continues the work of shaping and creating, ordering and delighting, and giving us life when we live according to her instructions. Better than Google, wisdom is accessible to all, giving us structure and guidelines by which we can thrive.

It boils down to this: all we’ve got is God, and to begin to live wisely, we fear Him (Prov. 1:7) and obey His commandments. This doesn’t mean we need to be afraid of Him. It means that we understand who He is and who we are — He is God, and we are not. We live, struggle through, and enjoy this one life we have while being in awe of Him. And we heed His words to us, choosing to walk in His love, grace, and wisdom.

Let’s ask and seek God for wisdom, knowledge, and understanding because He is our greatest source for them all.

God, I love that from the very beginning of this world Your wisdom has been present, woven into everything we see and enjoy. I know nothing is guaranteed in life, even the goodness and well-being that could come with wisdom. But knowing that You are the source of all wisdom gives me the confidence to navigate any situation. Even when there doesn’t seem to be a way out, You can see a way through, and I trust You. I pray that my ears would be open to hear wisdom’s call so that in everything I do, I can live wisely. Amen.

by Grace P. Cho, excerpted from the BRAND NEW Create in Me a Heart of Wisdom Bible Study

Isn’t wisdom just what we all need right now? The Create in Me a Heart of Wisdom Bible Study is the third in our series of four studies, and it’s now available wherever books are sold, including:

And what would a launch day celebration be without a giveaway?!

To celebrate the release of Create in Me a Heart of Wisdom, we’re giving away FIVE gift bundles!* Just leave a comment on this post telling us where you need wisdom in your life right now, and you’ll be entered to win a bundle that includes:

We’re thrilled that this Bible study is able to be in your hands. Get your copy and let’s learn what God says about wisdom. Sign up* below and we’ll send you the first whole week of Create in Me a Heart of Wisdom for FREE so you can start right away!

Join the online study and let’s seek hearts of wisdom — together.

Then join Becky Keife for a conversation with Grace this weekend on the (in)courage podcast. Don’t miss it!

Listen to today’s article below or wherever you stream podcasts!

Signing up will get you the free week and occasional emails from (in)courage. You can opt-out at any time. The giveaway is open to US addresses only, and will close on 2/2/23 at 11:59 pm central.

Bonafide Help for the Discouraging Seasons of Life

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While 2022 held a good deal of sky-reaching highs, it had its lows too. One of those lows was an onslaught of personal discouragement that followed me from 2021. This wasn’t present in every area of my life, certainly, but it was certainly present. One area I felt it most acutely was in my professional work, specifically a change in some relationships that I first talked about here. In spite of praying and reaching out and putting all kinds of effort into widening my circle, I hadn’t experienced the success of connection I’d hoped for on that front. This loneliness in my work-life stayed consistently in my circumference, like a biting, too-cold wind from the north that constantly made me cross my arms to ward off its chill.

Add to this my internal critic reminding me daily of my shortcomings and mistakes, likely contributing to the problems at hand, and well . . . my heart found itself weighing ten pounds rather than ten ounces like the anatomy books report.

For years, I’ve prayed incessantly for a change to my situation. Unless the Lord brought me some fresh vision and camaraderie, doing what I’ve been called to do felt impossible. Then, at the tail-end of 2022, something did change. In my prayers, my heart warmed from a message I didn’t hear audibly but still sensed in the realest of ways. That message, from the Lord, was, I see you, I hear you, and I want you to believe that I have much good in store for you still in this area of your life.

While this was always true regardless of my feelings, something shifted and lightened within me. After inhaling those hopeful words, my heart and soul let out a long exhale as I really believed the message. Even my pants fit better than they did before.

What’s vitally important to know is that as of today, in 2023, my circumstances haven’t changed one whit. With no clear answers or resolution to the problem at hand, the external picture of my situation ain’t too pretty. But internally, this fresh hope shifted the winds from the frigid north to the more springtime south, blanketing my discouragement and unbelief that things will ever get better.

Perhaps a good question to answer is simply, how? How did my hope shift when my circumstances remained the same?

In his gorgeous book, Gentle & Lowly: The Heart of Christ for Sinners and Sufferers, author Dane Ortlund discusses something that I believe sheds light on the subject.

In 1 Corinthians 2:12, Scripture says, “Now we have received not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, that we might understand the things freely given us by God.”

About this passage, Dr. Ortlund explains, “To grasp the role of the Holy Spirit, according to this text, we must bear in mind that the Greek word underlying understood (oida) should not be restricted to merely intellectual apprehension. This verb simply means ‘to know,’ and as is generally the case with the Bible’s language of epistemology, knowing here is something holistic — not less than intellectual apprehension …it is experiential knowing.”

The Holy Spirit infuses Scripture into us in a way that gives color to our lives so that what we know becomes what we actually experience on a very personal level. And in this case, my spirit of discouragement is no match for the Holy Spirit who kindly helps me see and know that God can be trusted again and again and even here too.

While I can name for you what hasn’t changed — my daily struggle — I can also name what has changed. I have a richer, deeper dependence on God as I’ve considered “opening the vents of my heart” (to use a phrase of Dr. Ortlund’s) to more fully receive God’s kindness and truths by the power of the Holy Spirit. This doesn’t mean I’ll never face discouragement again. I’m certain I will. But this is one way my faith reserves are building and growing so I’m able to recall the ways God has kept His promises for me in the past. When future discouragement leans in, I’m able to lean into Jesus Christ, who is God with us, all the more as I trust Him all the more.

After all, Jesus knows what it’s like to be us and understands every bit of what we’re going through.

If you’re carrying around a good deal of discouragement in one or more areas of your own life, take heart. A turnaround could be right around the corner — either in circumstances or, like me, in your perspective of your circumstances. It is my abundant prayer that by the power of the Holy Spirit, you know that the Lord sees you and He hears you today. Don’t doubt for a millisecond that He doesn’t have great things in mind for your future too.⁠ He loves you wildly.

In the meantime, you and I can keep ourselves in the Word, letting it be the compass that guides our hearts and keeps them headed in the right direction. We can process our discouragement with safe loved ones. We can name good things God gives us today: a bang-up sunrise, chickadees bopping around the bird feeder, a sweet or funny message from a child.

Through the Holy Spirit, we can know that God’s reserves of mercy and comfort stretch higher and deeper and further than any season of discouragement.

Thanks be to the good Lord above.

 

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How Seeing Less with Our Eyes Invites Us to See More with Our Souls

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It’s morning, so I unfold from my blankets and walk my still-pajama’d self down the stairs for coffee. On the way down the steps, as always, I cast a sleepy gaze out the large window above our front door. This window offers glimpses of what awaits after my morning coffee: rays of streaming sun or snow-covered trees or hints of green on waking-up branches.

But on this day, I peer out to see nothing. In seventeen years of repeating this ritual, I have never seen nothing.

A rare, thick fog has crept across the sidewalk and camped itself over our front lawn, cocooning us in. My sons pour cereal and I sip coffee and we all keep peeking out as we prepare to leave for the day. As we heave backpacks and lace shoes, still no hint of sky appears. It’s disorienting.

My youngest son and I walk to school on days when the weather is good. Today’s weather category is literally unclear — but after some debate, off we go. Not being able to see the full sidewalk ahead of us changes our familiar ten-minute stroll. Our steps slow and we get to school tired.

The journey is a lesson: Not being able to see changes the way we walk.

This seems like the perfect time to tell you that I sometimes worry about running ahead of God. We’ve had conversations about this, He and I. So often I pray: Lord, help me to stay in step with you. When I hear what He asks of me, I like to race off, striving to earn His love and thinking I can see what’s ahead.

I actually did that once.

I was seven or eight, heading to a lights display with my parents and grandparents. With excitement, I pointed at the lights ahead and, walk-running in my moon boots (they were cool then, thank you very much), I grabbed my dad’s hand. . .but when I looked up, I saw a stranger’s face smiling down at me. Terrified, I dropped this stranger’s hand and turned around to find my family. They’d been watching. I was fine. But I had such a hard time getting over the scare that I didn’t even enjoy the lights I’d run ahead to see.

So, on this clouded day of keeping slow pace with my youngest, I wonder, do I still run ahead? Do I follow the bright and shiny things, letting go of Who is by my side? Do I still grab onto the wrong things?

In the most mysterious way, this fog is sharpening my view. How can clear skies and straight roads give way to a fog that brings clarity?

I recall those times I’ve felt most connected to Him — when physical limitations kept me from walking; when emotional wounds forced a season of slow healing; when “no” landed unexpected and hard. Those were times I couldn’t run ahead. I could only be still. Why is it, when I can’t see, I feel Him closest and hear Him loudest?

In 1 Corinthians, Paul wrote, “Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely,” (1 Corinthians 13:12, NLT).

This wisdom about seeing imperfectly is written by the man who literally went blind when he met Jesus. This is the same man who ran ahead of God for years, carrying a self-appointed banner for God while persecuting Jesus. He believed he could see perfectly — until he met Jesus.

For three days, he waited and prayed in darkness. After Ananias prayed over him and restored his eyesight, he emerged proclaiming Jesus. In the midst of Paul’s blindness, Jesus changed his heart. Paul began to see clearest when he could see the least. Paul knew first-hand what it meant to see that only God sees with perfect clarity. From then on, he held a deep understanding of how it is God alone who offers us perfect sight.

Walking through the fog alongside my youngest, we fell into a beautiful, unspoken rhythm of staying in step. Our limited view offered a peaceful reliance and truth: Seeing less with our eyes invites us to see more with our souls.

And, if seeing less means staying in step with Him, then may we welcome the fog that holds our souls close. Because, I don’t want to run ahead. I don’t want to be distracted by what’s bright and shiny.

I don’t want to grab the wrong hand…I want only to grab God’s hand.

But He knows where I am going. And when He tests me, I will come out as pure as gold. For I have stayed on God’s paths; I have followed His ways and not turned aside.
Job 23:10-11

Looking for Joy and Delight?

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When your words came, I ate them;
they were my joy and my heart’s delight,
for I bear your name, Lord God Almighty.
Jeremiah 15:16

Read today’s Scripture slowly. Read it again.

Now let it turn your heart to prayer.

Heavenly Father, please fill me with your Word. Satisfy me with your wisdom, truth, and love. Woo and convict my heart with your great redemption story. May your words be my joy and my delight — sweeter than any dessert I could crave. Thank you for allowing me to bear your name, to be made in your image. You created me to hear your voice. I am listening. Yes, Lord, help me listen. Amen. 

 

Every Word Counts

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Kind words are like honey—
    sweet to the soul and healthy for the body.
Proverbs 16:24

One summer morning we accidentally got to the library eight minutes early. On the surface this doesn’t seem like a big deal . . . but with three spirited boys, eight extra minutes can feel like eight hours. At the time, my sons were seven, six, and four — the perfect ages for high curiosity and low impulse control. As we entered the small outer foyer and I realized the main library wasn’t open yet, low-grade panic set in. My kids were not cut from the “sit still and wait patiently” kind of cloth.

So they returned our bag full of books, slurped water from the drinking fountain, hid under the massive stairwell, and asked a gazillion questions. There was a trip to the bathroom and a thorough investigation of a row of cup- boards foolishly void of padlocks. As the minutes inched on, more people joined us in the waiting vestibule. Staring eyes weren’t in short supply.

“Be aware of others. Stay near me. Quiet words, please,” I reminded them often.

My boys weren’t being bad. Just inquisitive, antsy, talkative, active kids. And after eight minutes, their mama was exhausted. When the clock struck ten, the large sliding glass doors finally opened. The small crowd slowly descended into the sanctuary of books. Jude jumped and Elias squealed and Noah started to sprint as I reminded them again to please walk and use inside voices.

An older woman who had been waiting nearby caught my eye. “It’s going to be a long summer,” she said.

“Yeah, it is,” I replied with a weak smile and sigh.

Then her eyes brightened, and her smile warmed. “But you’re doing a great job. Thank you for being here,” she added.

I had braced myself for a stranger’s rebuke — parenting in public in the little years made me sweat with anxiety. But instead of judgment I was met with the kindness of simple encouragement. All I could do was whisper thank you. She gave me a knowing nod and entered the library as I followed my sons — my back a bit straighter, my steps a bit lighter.

A small, unexpected thank you from a stranger. A word to make someone feel seen. Is there an easier gift of kindness to give?

So I pass on these sweet words to you: Thank you. Thank you for changing diapers and reading stories. Thank you for going to work and still making dinner when you’re dog-tired. Thank you for cheering at swim lessons and folding laundry and answering the billionth question to quench a little person’s curiosity. Thank you for helping your neighbor and listening to your coworker. Thanks for getting to church early to set up or staying late to tear down. Thanks for mentoring that teenager. Thanks for doing your mundane job with a smile. Thanks for putting one foot in front of the other.

Thank you for being you. No one else could fill your shoes.

TODAY: Choose someone to give the gift of simple encouragement.

 

-Written by Becky Keife, adapted from The Simple Difference: How Every Small Kindness Makes a Big Impact

 

 

Why Listening Is a Sacred Act

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Have you ever needed someone to just listen? To be with you in the thick of whatever you’re going through?

I used to think presence was the mark of a good friend. But now I realize presence is even more than that; being with reflects the very nature of Christ.

Listening with care, humility, and attentiveness is a sacred act.

When a hurting woman reached out for Jesus, He stopped and was with her. He chose to be in the moment instead of rushing ahead to the next. He extended the divine gift of presence. Yes, Jesus’s power healed the bleeding woman, but He also listened. He didn’t give her a speech – He gave her what she needed.

We’re bombarded with opinions and stories every day. When I feel weariness deep inside my bones, I don’t need more words, perspectives, platitudes, advice, sermons, or first-hand experiences rehashed to me.

I need presence. I need someone to simply offer the gentle, Christ-like gift of listening.

In our hopes of connecting, we can sometimes focus on ourselves more than simply bearing witness to another’s pain. We want to connect an experience someone else is going through with a time in our own lives, but if we’re not careful, we can quickly make their pain about, well, ourselves.

When my preschool son was going through health struggles in the hospital, a well-meaning loved one shared their elderly mother-in-law’s medical woes with me, saying they completely understood what my family was going through. They were trying to connect but missed the mark. The earnest intent of their heart didn’t outweigh the hurtful impact on mine. I found myself in tears, wishing they would have just listened. The experiences and struggles were not the same – and their words, well-meaning as they might have been, left me feeling more unseen and alone.

Finding the right words can be tricky. It’s not easy to know what to say, especially when someone is experiencing a tough situation you haven’t personally walked through. Some of the most meaningful moments in my life have been when friends have simply acknowledged that I was going through a rough patch. After arriving home from a hospital stay with my son, hearing, “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here,” meant a lot to me. It created space for me to share how I felt as I wrestled wIth complicated emotions and overwhelming circumstances. It made space for me to just be, dwelling in the company of someone who cared.

Now, when I find myself hesitating to reach out to someone going through a difficult time because I don’t know what to say – and I don’t want to say the wrong thing – I try to remember that presence matters.

Sometimes the best gift we can give is a listening ear. During an intense season of specialist appointments for my son, a friend dropped off a small bag filled with sweet and spicy tea, sea-salt-sprinkled dark chocolate, and a small candle. Nestled inside was a little note that said, “I’m sorry you’re going through so much. You’re not alone.”  She was with me from afar. She didn’t offer simplistic silver linings or try to center herself in my pain. She simply showed up. I felt cared for and seen. 

I think of her gentle gesture whenever I sip sweet and spicy tea.

Through the past year, I’ve had friends across the country who’ve grieved the loss of parents, experienced divorce, and endured a job loss. While many of these loved ones live too far away to leave a gift on their doorstep, I try to find other ways to show up –  a meal delivery, a $5 coffee gift card, a brief hand-written note – to let them know they’re not alone. If and when they want a listening ear, I’m available from afar, even if we can’t sip our tea together in person.

Throughout Scripture, Jesus modeled a listening steeped in compassion and empathy. He showed us that presence can be a sacred gift.

With God’s help, we can extend care with our presence. With our willingness to listen, we can reflect the love of our merciful, empathetic God by allowing our company to minister to someone who is hurting.

The next time someone you love is holding hurt, release the pressure to have the perfect words to say. Rest in the grace of a merciful God who shows up over and over again.

God, be near to us as we are near to others. Help us know when to speak and when to listen. In your great compassion, grow in us deep care for others. Help us be attentive to the hurting and present to the pain. Thank you for your never-ending, always-present mercy. Amen.

 

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Recall God’s Faithfulness and Move Forward

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I was in my hometown for a few hours the other day. As I drove over a hill, what I saw unexpectedly made me catch my breath and tear up. I hadn’t seen that church steeple in years.

I went out of my way and continued down the road so I could pull into the church parking lot. I parked and was all alone in my car. I listened to the children play at the preschool playground. I welled up with joy and thanksgiving that this was where I have such fond memories of VBS with water balloon fights and silly games. It had felt like a special place — what I didn’t understand at the time was the presence of the Holy Spirit.

I cried as I thanked God for my Sunday school teacher who welcomed me with a hug as I was crying not wanting to be away from my parents. She oozed grace and love in her slender figure and set the stage for me to hear about Jesus in a new and fresh way. I think about her fondly when I teach young girls at my church.

This was the place where I first sang to Jesus, not knowing that I was worshipping or the power of my voice. I don’t remember the songs, but I remember I was excited the choir director really “saw” me and wanted me to be a part of a group of voices singing about God.

This church was where deposits were made in me as a toddler, preschooler, and elementary student. God was pouring into my Spirit long before I knew who Jesus really was or that I needed Him. I liked it under that steeple, even if I didn’t understand why.

I didn’t know the full truth or have my eyes opened to God’s salvation yet, but God was faithful in this place to me long ago. I sat in the parking lot for just a few more minutes and allowed my unveiled eyes to see this place in a new light, in God’s light. He gave me a new revelation about how He has worked in my life in different seasons and how He has loved me through them all.

At the beginning of a new year or new season, we need to take time to recall and recount God’s faithfulness and what He has done in our lives, especially when we didn’t know what He was doing at the time.

I look back at my life and career and see God’s faithfulness clearly on display — whether in that church in my hometown, in a classroom, hospital, boardroom, or on a travel adventure. There are big moments we each recognize as pivotal moments where God led and we knew if He didn’t show up, His plans wouldn’t work. Jesus has done miracles in our lives and we need to take notice.

Co-founding (in)courage is one of those moments for me, both in my career and in my life. At just thirty years old, I had felt passionate about creating a place for God’s daughters for years. Many things in my career and life led to this point. God had given me the vision to start something new and then a partner in Holley Gerth and a place to try it at DaySpring.

The mission was for God’s daughters to be “in Christ” so they could be “in courage.” I knew without Jesus, we can’t be confident enough to do the things He calls us to do, in the small or big moments, much less cheer each other on while walking out our faith.

Back then, (in)courage was a new concept for Jesus-loving voices and creatives to gather and share what God was doing in and through them. It was trailblazing and fresh in a new realm of social media and the online space. The community God created behind the scenes, behind the screen, and in person was special and holy. If God hadn’t shown up, you wouldn’t be reading these words here. I didn’t know all that God was doing then.

I recall and recount what God has accomplished through (in)courage these last thirteen years and praise Him for allowing me to be a part — in vision, in business, and as an unexpected writer. Just as God called me into an adventure with Him in my faith and my work those many years ago, I sense His calling again. So, this will be my last article on (in)courage.

Because I can recount what God has done in the past, I know He will guide me on my next Jesus-led adventure. Do I have complete clarity as I write this to you about my next steps? No, but that doesn’t make it any less exciting.

I trust Him and know He will bring a fresh voice in my place that will bless you. I trust God that He is in the details and will work out His plans, whether I am present or not. I won’t be an active member of this community but will still cheer on what God is doing through (in)courage, the writers, and the readers.

If I can leave you with one parting message, a love note, per se, from me to you, this would be it:

Remember, God is faithful to you. Take time to recall. He will lead you on the greatest adventure with Him, perfect for you. Do not be afraid but allow Him to hold you and mold you. Have courage because you are in Christ. Do what He tells you, especially when it’s not easy, convenient, or doesn’t make sense. The Kingdom needs your obedience and loving faithfulness.

Thank you for being here. Love to you all.

 

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How to Deal with Toxic People

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God never meant for us to carry the burden of changing other people’s minds about us. He never meant for us to be responsible for other people’s emotional baggage, sin, and wounds.

I had to learn to create healthy boundaries, and I had to ask God for the courage to speak the truth to the toxic people in my life. This wasn’t easy for me. Maybe it’s not easy for you either. My father left when I was seven. My mother was not a loving person. She was verbally and emotionally abusive, always making me question my choices. My mother’s way of controlling me was to make me feel guilty, so in order to prove my love to her, I had to do X, Y, and Z.

But I have a loving heavenly Father who is rewriting those scripts. Because of Jesus, I don’t have to stay stuck in the painful and destructive patterns of my past. Jesus meets us where we are and invites us to a new life in Him.

On my healing journey, I recognized all the ways I repeated the long-ingrained, unhealthy pattern of trying to appease toxic people. I incorrectly believed that if only I could love them and care for them more or be kinder to them, then they would stop being toxic. You can’t change another person, but you can learn healthy ways to handle hard relationships.

Here are five tips for coping with toxic people:

1. Don’t stay silent. You matter. Tell someone about the toxic person in your life.
It is not your job to protect the toxic person who has hurt you. You need to protect yourself. You are worthy to be loved. The first step to protecting your- self is to speak the truth. You’ve tried with all your might to protect that person who is wounding or has wounded you. But suffering in silence is not what our loving Savior wants for you.

2. Create boundaries. Even if you feel guilty, it does not mean you are guilty.
The toxic person wants to exert control over the narrative of your relationship and life through their words or behavior. When you create boundaries, they will become upset and say things to make you feel guilty in order to keep you within the box of your fears, inaction, and silence. Just because a toxic person accuses you of being uncaring, overly sensitive, or selfish does not make it true. You do not need to justify your boundaries. You have the freedom to set boundaries to protect your well-being.

3. Enlist support and role-play conversations.
Being assertive and speaking up for yourself with a toxic person is a new, odd, and scary experience if you’ve never been given permission to do so. Not sure what to say or where to start? That’s okay. Don’t be shy to ask a loving friend to help you write a script and role-play the boundaries conversation with you. We all need practice and support in creating new patterns of relating. That’s what I had to do.

4. Limit the time you spend with toxic people.
People who are emotionally toxic are very good at intimidation, manipulation, and gaslighting, so be gentle with yourself. It is easy to feel confused, anxious, and scared, or to freeze up when you engage with a toxic person, so limit the time you spend with them. When conversations get overwhelming, stick to stating what they did or said, how it makes you feel, and what action you will take and the changes you will make. Do not ask the toxic person for permission to enact these changes. You are not seeking agreement. You are communicating your boundaries.

5. Grieve the death of expectations and dreams.
I had to grieve the death of my expectations and dreams for the ideal friend, mentor, and mom I longed for so I could grow into the daughter of a loving heavenly Father. It’s important to God that we trust Him with the truth, even if it hurts. We experience a powerful rest when we give God the burdens we were never meant to carry.

People sometimes ask me if I’ve forgiven my mother for the decades of verbal and emotional abuse. I have done the hard work of grieving and healing. I have forgiven my mother. She was my whole life, and I love her more than anyone may understand.

While forgiveness takes one person, reconciliation takes two. Loving our parent, spouse, friend, mentor, or pastor does not mean open borders to toxicity, fear, intimidation, or manipulation. We can begin to make different choices that are healthy for ourselves and that break old, hurtful patterns. We can stop being enablers for hurtful people in our lives so that they, too, can face the truth of their brokenness with God.

– by Bonnie Gray, excerpted from Come Sit With Me

Right now on weekend episodes of the (in)courage podcast, we’re airing eight chapters from our book Come Sit With Me: How to Delight in Differences, Love Through Disagreements, and Live with Discomfort  — and they’re read by the authors! On Saturdays in January and February, we’ll hear from Jennifer Dukes Lee, Becky Keife, Grace P. Cho, Kathi Lipp, Mary Carver, Jami Nato, Michele Cushatt, and Bonnie Gray. Friends, you do not want to miss these episodes! There’s something so special about hearing the words read by the author who penned their story.

Subscribe to the (in)courage podcast today, wherever you stream your pods, so you don’t miss a single episode. You can always catch up on the (in)courage podcast, listen to episodes from the archives, find show notes, and learn more about the DaySpring items mentioned during episodes on our podcast landing page.

 

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Jesus Never Asked Us to Count Calories

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It’s January, and for most of my life that meant I’d do three things:

  1. Come up with a Bible reading plan.
  2. Make a list of goals for the year.
  3. Start a diet.

This is what my life has looked like ever since I entered my first Weight Watchers meeting at the age of twelve.

I have spent over forty years trying to lose weight.

I learned from an early age that “normal” food was the enemy and that it was my job, especially as someone who wanted to be a representative of Christ, to look like I was without the “sin” of overeating. I definitely couldn’t eat like my friends. So I was a devotee of Lean Cuisine meals, cottage cheese, and dried-out chicken breasts.

Food was the enemy, and my job was to defeat the enemy and not eat the food. The holiest thing I could do was to starve myself.

If only I had enough willpower, enough strength, I could resist eating everything at youth group and after Sunday services at church.

These destructive patterns continued until I was older and had a family of my own. I would make a meal for them, then eat my Lean Cuisine in the other room so I wouldn’t be tempted to eat the “real” food everyone else was eating. Even for years after my kids had grown and had moved out of the house, I would continue to play tricks with my food — postponing meals for hours and then binging, asking my husband to hide food from me, and trying dozens of other ways to keep food over enemy lines.

But this year? I’ve decided to stop making food the enemy.

This is the first year of my life that I didn’t start a diet on January 1. Instead of spending New Year’s Day throwing out any food that could feel like a treat, we hosted our friend, Diane, who brought a feast of traditional Korean food to our house.

When I consider how God wants me to think about food, sharing a meal from my friend’s culture definitely ranks higher than calorie counting and “being good” (the term for eating any low-calorie meal in my house growing up).

I’m dedicating this year to listening to the body God gave me instead of listening to outside voices that want to shame me into buying their food, exercise, or supplement program.

If I’m hungry, I’ll eat, because that’s how God has designed my body to work. (Even though my “hunger signal” is all messed up from decades of dieting.)

I’ll move my body — not to lose weight but for joy — while dancing with my husband, exploring the outdoors with our dog, and taking care of the house and property God has entrusted us with.

Now, as I’ve spent more time in the New Testament, I can see that Jesus not only loved food, but meals were part of how He ministered to so many.

Jesus had a short time in ministry (the most important ministry to ever exist) but when I look at how Jesus dealt with food, He wasn’t slicing up some dried fish and grilled vegetables and walking to the next house. One of the biggest miracles He performed was feeding five thousand people (which was probably more like ten thousand since they didn’t count women or children). Jesus knew that physical needs had to be met along with spiritual needs.

For Jesus, food was not just about functioning.

For Jesus, the meals were the ministry.

He celebrated with others. When Jesus was at the wedding with His mom and they ran out of wine, He recognized that wine was an important part of the celebration. Not only did Jesus turn water into wine, but He gave them the best wine.

He contributed to helping the poor. He let the religious leaders of the time know that it mattered whether they served and loved the poor or not. “For I was hungry, and you didn’t feed me. I was thirsty, and you didn’t give me a drink” (Matthew 25:42, NLT). Through food, Jesus demonstrated that charity is about serving His beloved.

He communicated His values. Jesus spent a lot of time eating with “inappropriate” people: the sinful woman, tax collectors, and others who were considered God’s enemies. Jesus cherished each of these people, not just with words, but also in sharing meals with those others believed He should not have even been seen with.

He connected with those around Him. On His last night on earth, Jesus didn’t gather His closest people around a campfire or a pulpit; He gathered them around a table with food in order to eat together.

Food was important to Jesus. And what have I done? I’ve spent most of my life trying to pretend food wasn’t important at all. That I should be OK living on lettuce and 100 Calorie Packs. For some of us, one of the bravest acts we will partake in is untangling decades of lies about food and, instead of fearing food, actually finding the meaning in it.

If you also struggle with how you relate to food, maybe it’s time to rethink that particular relationship.

Be gentle with yourself. God is with you as you figure this out. You are not alone.

As with all of His most beloveds, He is at the table with you.

Want to learn more about worry-free living? Check out Kathi’s book, An Abundant Place.

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“I’ll Hold It with You”

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I was about to walk into a birthday party when my phone buzzed. After several months of waiting for appointments and tests, the results were finally here and the diagnosis was clear: cancer.

Again. Actually, again again.

Cancer keeps weaving its way back into our family story, climbing into another chapter, leaving its fingerprints year after year.

Just half an hour earlier, I twirled in my bright fuchsia dress, ready to celebrate.

I read the message again as I contemplated driving home. How can I walk into the party and not give it away? I wondered as I stared at my own reflection in the rearview mirror, eyes glassy and cheeks tearstained. Most of my closest friends were already inside, the ones who prayed for answers all year long, the very people I would have immediately called after reading the text — if they hadn’t been gathered for cake and karaoke.

I’ll tell them tomorrow, I decided, blinking furiously, determined to show up and not steal the moment. As long as one other person knows, as long as I’m not holding this on my own, then I can carry it with a smile for the next two hours. But two texts and three unanswered FaceTime calls later, my plan crumbled. Out-of-state friends were out at dinner or away from their phones. I gave myself a minute, reapplied lipstick, took a deep breath, and said, “Well Jesus, it’s You and me. Will You carry this with me? Help me bring joy to the room and then get me home.”

Half an hour later, a ruffled fuchsia dress danced around the room. But before that, before the chocolate cake or the group selfie or the mediocre but so very earnest karaoke, Jesus showed up to greet me at the door.

Oh, He looked like my friend Janie. His voice sounded like her whispered question, “Weren’t you supposed to find out today?” Jesus’s arms wrapped tightly around me and whispered, I’ll hold it with you, as I quietly replied “Yes, Dad has cancer. But tonight is for celebrating. I’ll tell everyone tomorrow.”

We danced. We laughed. We sang.

The joy was real. The sadness was, too. And for a few hours, I spun around and smiled wide, feeling the tension while knowing one thing for sure: Jesus was in the room.

Ecclesiastes 3 says there is a time and a season for everything. I’ve often thought of verses 2-8 as stand-alone opposites — a time to be born and a time to die, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance — but sometimes we find ourselves in a season that seems to hold everything.

We blink back tears while twirling, carry a newborn while standing at a gravesite, and celebrate another year of life while wondering how much time remains. We discover grief and gratitude often go together and hope and heartache tend to hold hands. We sit in the tension of the in-between. . . and we find that Jesus is there, too. He’s there in the season of a lot, listening to every parking lot prayer. He joins us in the middle of the unknown, staying with us as we cry in the car, greeting us at the door, spinning us around on the living room floor, drawing us close and whispering, I’ll hold it with you.

Even the most overwhelming and seemingly impossible of circumstances is no match for the One who holds it all and says “this isn’t too much for Me.”

This season is stretching on. The path forward isn’t clear and we don’t know what’s next. But I’m resting in this as I reach for a bright dress, choosing to dance through the wait.

For everything there is a season, and the unchanging God will be with us in every one. Our circumstances don’t change His character and although our Right Now might be a lot, His hands are not too full.

We have a God who doesn’t tease, who sees the end from the beginning, and has promised to bring us all the way Home. No matter what tomorrow brings, He will carry us through.

If today’s post resonated and you’d like more encouragement from Kaitlyn, her book Even If Not: Living, Loving, and Learning in the in Between will help you choose hope for tomorrow when today feels like a question mark.

 

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For When Life Is Hurried and Heavy

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My cooking has gotten worse lately. About a month ago, I shared some sweet potato chili with my family, and half the sweet potatoes were still hard as rocks. Last week, I cooked a dish I’ve made dozens of times, and I overcooked the sausage, until it was so tough it took twice as long as normal to chew through a piece. (And that was the meal I ended up bringing over to a friend, before realizing how much I’d overcooked it.)

Then I made a new breakfast dish, but I undercooked it, so there were watery eggs weeping out of the center. I also over-salted a batch of soup, didn’t bake one pizza long enough, then baked another pizza too long.

I often make mistakes in my cooking, especially when trying new recipes. But my errors have been happening more frequently — and with dishes I’ve been making for years. I can’t chock these mistakes up to inexperience. Rather, these errors are due to hurry.

I left the sausage dish in too long because I was doing other things and not paying attention. I took the eggs out too early because I was running out of time before needing to drive my kids somewhere. I didn’t let the chili simmer long enough because, again, I was jumping to the next thing.

I’m not leaving enough time to finish one task properly before I go on to start the next. My brain feels scattered and frenetic. I’ve taken on too much.

I’ve been darting back and forth through my days looking as frantic as a squirrel trying to cross a busy road. And, like those squirrels, I’ve left no margin for error, no space if I need to veer to the side. So when a meal requires five more minutes in the oven, or when an article I submitted needs more editing than I anticipated, or when a child requires a little more attention than normal, I’m completely thrown off course. There’s no time for those things, and I end up rushing around, living a haphazard life.

Our rushing, our doing too much, and our habitual overcommitment make life and work harder than they need to be. Jesus gives us an easy yoke and a light burden, but then we insist on adding “hurry” on top. And hurry always ends up being heavy.

We may have seasons in life that are busier than others. They require more of us, more of our time and energy and effort. But what God calls us to is never meant to be fueled by “anxious toil,” as Psalm 127 says. He doesn’t want us running on the fumes of our own messiah-complex, and He doesn’t want us living in frantic fear because we don’t trust Him.

One of my favorite passages is Psalm 131. The second verse says, “But I have calmed and quieted my soul, like a weaned child with its mother; like a weaned child is my soul within me” (Psalm 131:2, ESV).

If I were to describe the state of my soul, I probably wouldn’t use the words “calm and quiet.” Frantic and harried more accurately describe me most days. But even in busy seasons, chaos, or hardship, King David reminds us through the words of Psalm 131 that our souls can, in fact, be calm and quiet. We can slow down, refusing to live a life of anxious toil and instead resting in the arms of our infinite, sufficient God who cares for us like a mother cares for her child.

I’m still learning this, and I have a long way to go. “Hurry” can be a glittery temptation. It feels more productive and can sometimes make us look good from the outside. But hurry is not the way of a God who is never in a rush.

He’s a God who gave us the Sabbath and a God who crafted us to be finite. And He’s also a God who invites us to a life marked not by how much we get done or how well we can multitask. Rather, He invites us to set down the burden of hurry and live the life He’s called us to, all with a calm and quiet soul. 

Where Hope and Joy Are

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Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.
Colossians 3:2

What do you spend your time thinking about? Your answer is probably a long list of hope and dreams, fleeting worries and deep concerns, hard and holy and mundane things. Maybe today you’re thinking about how challenging parenting is or how desperate you for a different career. Maybe your mind is spiraling with anxiety or you just feel numb with depression. Perhaps you’re focused on your new year goals, hoping that your hard work and planning will pay off in a particular way. Perhaps you can’t think of anything else but your physical pain.

What’s is going through your mind today, Scripture calls us to set our minds on things above, not on earthly things.

This begs the question: what is above?

Heaven. God’s full presence. His power. His throne room where He hears our prayers. The Father’s house with many rooms, which He is preparing for us right now. A place of healing. A place without tears. A place of wonder and worship. Forever love. Forever belonging.

Take a deep breath and read that list again. What would you add to it?

We don’t even need to answer the second implied question (what are earthly things?). We are keenly aware of our troubles and sorrow, the brokenness that surrounds us and wreaks havoc within us. God isn’t calling us to ignore these things or pretend they aren’t real or don’t have an immediate impact on our lives. Rather, He is inviting us to set our minds — fix our thoughts, determine our focus — on Him, despite what’s happening here on earth. Because He is where our hope and joy are.

How does setting your mind on things above change the way you go about your day?

Be the Blessing

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If you’ve gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care — then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don’t push your way to the front; don’t sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don’t be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand.
Philippians 2:1-4 (The Message)

I’ll never forget the flight from LAX to DFW when I sat next to a mom and her young son named Jack. It wasn’t the “relax and prepare for my conference” flight I had hoped for. Rather, it was punctuated by a toddler’s kicks and shrieks and invading my personal space. But God touched my heart and asked me to exchange my frustration for the opportunity to be the blessing.

Be the answer to my prayer for kindness. Be the one who sees a stranger through God’s eyes of love and compassion instead of my own judgment and inconvenience. It was only Jesus in me that prompted me to get off the high horse of my own annoyance and pause in prayer for this struggling mama-son pair. I’m so grateful the Lord gave His Spirit to whisper to mine.

But it’s not enough just to hear. Our faith grows legs for change when we turn that hearing into doing.

The small shift from self-focused to others-focused, from perception to action, is the beginning of the simple difference.

Through the gift of flying next to Jack and his mom, I saw with fresh eyes how our lives are made up of millions of moments stitched together with countless opportunities to decide what kind of mark we’re going to leave.

At the airport, dry cleaners, doctor’s office, or school pickup; where you worship, work, walk, and shop; when you’re coming and going, when you’re waiting and complaining; whether you’re dancing in the rain or limping through the desert, on a dusty country road or a slick city street — in all places at all times, you and I have a choice: What kind of difference are we going to make?

Are we going to go through life on the autopilot of our own convenience and personal preference? Or will we learn to live with eyes wide open to the individual beauty and needs of the people around us? Are we willing to make our daily errands and agendas an ongoing opportunity to live soft and surrendered to the Holy Spirit’s leading?

This isn’t about totally changing the course of our lives; it’s about letting God change us and work through us in the very midst of our ordinary days. To say, As I go on my way, Lord, have Your way with me.

TODAY: Look for an opportunity to be the blessing in someone’s day.

This article was written by Becky Keife and adapted from her (in)courage book, The Simple Difference.
When the world’s problems loom large and your ordinary life stretches you thin, is it still possible to be a difference-maker? Absolutely! One small, intentional, extravagant act of kindness at a time. The Simple Difference: How Every Small Kindness Makes a Big Impact by Becky Keife will help you to stop getting buried in busyness and distraction and discover countless opportunities for impact right where you are. Rather than trying to do more, learn how to see more: more of the people in front of you, more of God’s lavish love for you, and more of His power within you. Grab a copy now. We pray it blesses you.

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Today on the podcast — a bonus episode! Listen in as Bonnie Gray reads her chapter, titled How to Deal With Toxic People, from our newest book, Come Sit With Me. Listen at the player below, or wherever you stream podcasts.

A Story of Learning Wisdom

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I stared at my phone, blinked several times, and looked back to see if I’d imagined the words. No, the stark sentences rose up from the phone like angled and curved little soldiers, marching right over my stunned, shattered heart.

My husband, David, seeing the shocked look on my face, asked me what was wrong. I handed the phone to him and collapsed onto the living room sofa.

“Am I being sensitive or is this ridiculously ugly?” I asked him in a shaky voice.

As he read the message, his eyes widened and he shook his head back and forth. He set the phone down hard on the end table next to me and said, “This is utter garbage, and I don’t think you have any business communicating further with this person. At all.”

In general, I’m one who doesn’t like conflict. While I’m capable of standing up for myself, some people’s strong personalities make me less inclined to do so. In situations like these, I lean toward wanting to smooth things over as quickly as possible. At the same time, I was so tired of the way this person repeatedly put me on the defensive by being hypercritical of every choice I made.

Like a lost traveler smack-dab in the middle of a forest, I couldn’t see how to take the appropriate next steps to get out of the woods. Should I take my husband’s advice and severely limit communication? But what about the fact that as a Christian I’m supposed to lay down my life for others and turn the other cheek?

Where is the line between having to spend time with difficult people we’re called to be around and needing to protect our hearts and health from their toxicity?

In today’s culture, it’s somewhat trendy for people to label any kind of undesirable communication as toxic. This can give us a handy excuse to ignore sentiments we don’t like. Of course, we do need people in our lives who offer us the gift of a painful rebuke from time to time. But their motive makes the difference — they are for us and not for themselves.

While we’re sometimes called to be in the vicinity of difficult people as the Holy Spirit directs, we don’t need to be in the vicinity of toxicity. Wisdom is found in knowing the difference. And wisdom is found in going to the right places for help in deciphering the distinction. After all, part of knowing where we belong is also knowing where we don’t.

In John 14:16 Jesus says, “And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Helper, to be with you forever” (ESV).

The Holy Spirit is our forever Helper who informs us on a plethora of decisions, including how to maneuver difficult relationships. And sometimes the Holy Spirit will work through the voices of others to affirm what the Bible says.

The wisdom we seek in dealing with toxic people should point toward a measure of order, not further the chaos. The actions stemming from that wisdom should be motivated by love. And as I thought about my relational patterns with this particular difficult person, it seemed that the best way to love him was to set boundaries that were as much for him as they were for me.

If you struggle to take my word for it, then take Jesus’s word on the importance of establishing boundaries. He either walked away from people or let people walk away from Him over two dozen times in the four Gospels. One such time is described in Matthew 12:14-15: “But the Pharisees went out and conspired against him, how to destroy him. Jesus, aware of this, withdrew from there.”

Yes, when the time came for God’s redemptive plan to be fulfilled, Jesus did suffer and die for us. But He followed His Father’s direction — not other people’s — on when that would happen.

Jesus knew where He belonged, and He also knew where He did not belong. He used His Father’s guidance to direct His steps and to erect appropriate boundaries in each situation.

And Jesus knew something we all need to remember:

Sometimes being on the outside is the healthiest place to be.

So I set boundaries. And while that was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do, it was also one of the most freeing. With wisdom found in Scripture through the direction of the Holy Spirit and validated through the voice of my husband, I had peace that setting these boundaries was the right decision.

And I could see how being on the outside of that relationship put me further inside God’s wise care and protection — the healthiest place to be.

This story was written by Kristen Strong, as published in the Create in Me a Heart of Wisdom Bible study.

What a powerful story of wisdom from the new (in)courage Bible Study, Create in Me a Heart of Wisdom, available now. With stories like Kristen’s woven together with Scripture study written by Grace P. Cho, our prayer is that this study will encourage you to seek the Lord and the wisdom He offers each one of us.

Join the online study and let’s seek hearts of wisdom — together.

 

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Your Story Is Worth Telling

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The sky outside my office window was a dreary smattering of gray. I sat huddled at my desk, back hunched, staring at my computer screen for yet another afternoon zoom call. It was one of those brainstorming sessions, a work-meet for fellow activists and educators, to determine what big project to pursue next. I should have been excited. These are the kinds of conversations I live for and yet . . . I felt as dreary as the sky outside.

Plus, the tone of the meeting was feeling increasingly hostile. Certain individuals had started to dominate the conversation, and it was clear from people’s facial expressions and body language that not everyone was feeling heard. The meeting was almost over before I finally mustered up the courage to speak. I said something along the lines of, “In my experience, I’ve found that . . . ” But I didn’t even get a chance to finish. Someone interrupted me and said, “We don’t really need your perspective. I think we’re good here.”

I want to give this person the benefit of the doubt. I think they were trying to say that they’d already made a decision, and they wanted to wrap up the meeting. Their comment was mostly like a timing issue and not a cultural issue. Nevertheless, those words didn’t feel great. In that moment, I felt like my voice and my story were not worthy of talking space. Admittedly, after that meeting, I didn’t have much interest in continuing with the work of the group.

Throughout my life, I’ve found that most people have been told in one way or another at some point that their voice and story were insignificant. Whether from a family member, a boss, a neighbor, a friend, fill in the blank, most of us have had experiences where we felt unheard and like our voice was unwanted.

But what I’ve learned from God’s Word is that my story is worth telling, and so is yours.

We are storied creatures. We were made to tell the tales of God’s wondrous work in our life. Our stories are a testimony to who God is and how He’s working in the world.

I think about the psalmist who declares in Psalm 22:22, “I will praise you to all my brothers; I will stand up before the congregation and testify of the wonderful things you have done.” And, again, in Psalm 66:16, “Come and listen, all who fear God, and I will tell what he has done for me.”

No matter what conversation I’m having, I’ve learned the power of leading with my story. Whether I’m talking about a race-related topic, marriage, parenting, womanhood, you name it, I’ve learned to lead with my personal experiences.

Information is a very poor pathway to forming deep relational connections. Expressing an opinion is ineffective in ascribing nuance or subjectivity to a situation. But a story? Oh, how a story invigorates a conversation with connection and meaning!

Expressing your story is one of the most powerful conversation skills in your toolkit.

Think of your story as the key that opens the door to meaningful relationships and meaningful change. We need to eventually get to the table inside the metaphorical house and collaboratively communicate our ideas in a give-and-take exchange, but we won’t get inside unless we’ve shared our stories first. Stories are the key. Stories are the door openers.

When you know your story, and when and how to express it, you will dramatically change how you interact with others. You will set the tone for a much more respectful, honoring dialogue. You’ll show that the topic at hand isn’t just some fun intellectual exploration, but rather an issue that has true, personal resonance. You’ll also make it harder for the other person to disagree with you – because instead of sharing an opinion, you’ve shard a life experience; an experience that bears witness to God’s work in the world.

Receive this encouragement today: Your story matters. Your story matters to God. It’s needed by others.

Each of us has a unique story to share; a story that no one else can tell but ourselves about the goodness and beauty and restorative work of God. No matter what your context is, where you work, who your “people” are, show up with confidence and joy to share your story and to encourage others to share their stories as well.

God has entrusted you with a specific story, and sharing your story is essential to working toward healing, restoration, and unity within your context.

 

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