What If Pain Is the Stage for Miracles?

What If Pain Is the Stage for Miracles?

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There was a time in my life when my parents couldn’t be in the same room with each other. As a kid, I learned to wait on the wicker love seat and stare impatiently out the big picture window. (Yes, it was the early nineties and we had wicker furniture in the living room.) As soon as I saw my dad’s black sedan pull into the driveway, I would yell to my sisters that it was time to go and we would race out the front door. Was I that excited to see my dad? Honestly, not really. I was just that eager to avoid him coming up to the house and igniting a possible confrontation with my mom.

In middle school, I remember standing up for my trumpet solo and quickly scanning the crowded gymnasium in search of supportive faces. I spotted my mom in the left set of bleachers and my dad in the farthest possible section to the right. In high school, when I got the lead in Oklahoma, my parents came to different shows, careful not to cross paths lest a community theater become a battleground.

There were a thousand spoken and unspoken hurts between my parents that spilled over into my heart. The way my dad wouldn’t help pay for my sister’s dance classes to make life harder for my mom. The way my mom didn’t hide her disdain for the summer vacations my dad took us girls on, which made me feel like my excitement was a betrayal. Fifteen years of marriage in and as many years of bitterness out. I never knew if their divorce was the right choice, the only choice. As a kid I never longed for them to get back together—I just wanted things to be different. I just wanted to escape the shrapnel of their pain.

At my college graduation, my dad pretended not to hear me when I asked him to stand next to me for a picture with our whole family—the original five. When I was getting married, my mom didn’t want to sit beside my dad and his new wife; my dad didn’t want to sit in the row behind my mom. Several verbal blowups and low blows left me gutted. Three days before my big day, I looked at my wedding dress hanging on the closet door and wondered if my dad would even show up to walk me down the aisle.

I share all this not as a catalog of grievances against my parents but to set the stage for the miracle I never expected.

Fast-forward several years to when my dad was in a difficult place in his life—well, difficult is an understatement. His second marriage had failed, as had his business and his health. Thanksgiving was approaching. Holidays are always extra complicated for kids of divorce. My sisters and I were all married at this point and had to juggle time with our in-laws and separate gatherings for our mom and dad. Now that my dad was single and struggling, the responsibility to host a celebration with him fell to one of us girls—an added stress when our individual lives were already maxed and being with Dad didn’t feel especially celebratory.

The details of what happened next have become a bit fuzzy through the fog of years. The question might have come through an email or group text thread, or maybe we were talking on the phone while I nursed a baby. Either way, I’ll never forget my mom’s words: “How would you feel if I invited your dad to join us for Thanksgiving?”

As I sat there speechless, my mom went on to explain how she understood what a burden it was to navigate three family get-togethers and how the busyness could take away from the joy of the holiday. She said she wasn’t sure if Dad would accept an invitation from her, but she felt like the Lord was asking her to extend it.

Honestly? My first thought was No way! I pictured the awkwardness of being in the same house all together. I thought about how I would take the chaos of bouncing from one Thanksgiving dinner to the next to the next over the tension of sitting at the same table with my parents for an extended meal. The family chasm caused by their divorce was way too wide to bridge with some mashed potatoes and gravy. Years and years of conflict and failed resolutions proved that reconciliation was impossible, right? So why even try?

Given our family history, this knee-jerk reaction was understandable — but it was also rooted in fear. I’m grateful to tell you that my initial response didn’t win out.

The first miracle was my mom asking my dad to Thanksgiving dinner. The second miracle was the doorbell ringing and my dad showing up in his classic corduroy slacks and argyle sweater and handing my mom a bottle of Martinelli’s. The miracles after that were too many to count.

As little ones threw corn kernels from high chairs and unspoken words passed in sideways glances between sisters, we made it through that first Thanksgiving dinner. My dad thanked my mom for inviting him and complimented her cooking. My mom thanked my dad for coming and gave him another piece of homemade pie to go. It felt a bit like I was living someone else’s life.

It was hard and uncomfortable and so very worth it. I left that dinner with a belly full of turkey and a heart full of praise. What I thought was surely impossible turned out not to be. From our pain God produced a miracle — and I’m still giving thanks.

Today’s devotion is an excerpt from Becky Keife’s chapter, “What If Pain Is the Stage for Miracles?” in our (in)courage book, Come Sit with Me: How to Delight in Differences, Love through Disagreements, and Live with Discomfort.

You can listen to Becky read the entire chapter on this special episode of the (in)courage podcast. 

I Ignored Her Phone Call

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She left a message on my voicemail. “Jen, I don’t know if you remember me, but we met briefly at church. Amy shared your contact info and encouraged me to reach out. Since our family recently moved to the area and our kids are about the same age, I thought maybe we could get together for some coffee.”

I don’t recall if I was having a bad day or why I responded the way I did, but I listened to the voice message and immediately made some snap judgments:

I don’t have time for this.
I don’t think our kids will be friends.
I don’t think we will be friends.

Therefore I don’t want to return the call — so I didn’t.

What a horrendous mistake. New to the area, Nancy stepped forward with such courage to make that phone call and I shut it down. Others might voice excuses for me – busy mothering season, other obligations, but let’s name it for what it was: sin. Without sugarcoating my decision, that’s incredibly painful to type. The reality? I couldn’t disrupt my own self-interests to think about what this other woman needed and to give that potential friendship the benefit of the doubt, so I ignored her request.

I lost out on four years of friendship with a woman who eventually became a ride-or-die soul sister because I didn’t return her call. Now Nancy has moved across the country. I will always regret my decision.

As I shared that experience with a group of high school girls, I looked around our retreat cabin. Representing different backgrounds, socioeconomic classes, schools, and personalities, I felt like I was leading a screenplay from the iconic movie, “Mean Girls.” The cool girls and the misfits coming together because they didn’t have a choice. It’s not the feel-good rom-com storyline we might choose but something transformative occurs when we throw aside the masks, allow the Holy Spirit to rattle our preconceived notions, and jolt any kind of judgments that might be lurking. And they were definitely lurking in that cabin.

Some of us reading this might not see ourselves in this story. But if I needed to be rattled and confronted with my own blind spots, maybe you do too. If we desire life change, especially when it comes to community and kingdom building, let’s admit that we like to stick with what’s comfortable. There’s a reason why we prefer sharing a table, a cabin, a Bible study, or a coffee date with people who look, talk, work, and live the same way that we do. We prefer the safety, sameness, the simplicity because it equals security. It’s easier.

Guess what I told the teen girls? Sameness and security – that’s a total lie. (Yes, I’m blunt like that.) Because following Jesus means getting dirty, and taking a risk – things none of us would choose. Following Jesus means asking, inviting, and receiving outside our constructed holy huddle. Outside our preferred cabin. Following Jesus means hanging around with people who we’ve deemed aren’t our kind of people. Following Jesus means crossing boundaries and cultural divides — social, racial, political, and more — knowing this is the essence of the gospel.

As Paul reminds us, “Welcome one another as Christ has welcomed you, for the glory of God” (Romans 15:7 ESV). Only by developing real relationships with those who are vastly different from us can we begin to address the misperceptions that persist about Christianity and the church, as well as listen to what others are really saying, even those with whom we disagree or think we have nothing in common.

I know the truth of this, but let’s be heart honest: the kinds of people Jesus hung around with on a regular basis aren’t the people with whom I’d choose to hang. Think of who was on Jesus’ invite list. Pharisees, fishermen, tax collectors. The deformed, the sick, the adulterers, the homeless, the refugees, the wanderers, the possessed, even the unclean. Risky individuals, all of them. Not someone whose phone call you’d return, yet that’s who Jesus chose to hang out with on the regular.

I asked the teen girls, “Would you have returned that call if it had been Taylor Swift? How about the popular girl at your school?”

They all agreed yes.

“What about the girl in the cafeteria who always sits by herself and just seems weird?”

After justifications, the answer was no.

Now let’s get gutsy for a minute and insert our own preferences. Whose phone call would you return? The cool Bible teacher, the social media influencer, the pastor? How about the needy lady in your church who rubs you the wrong way? The disheveled neighbor woman who makes you nervous? Do you know their story? Would you extend an invitation to them?

To live like Jesus lived means getting out of our comfort zone and taking a risk, but it’s always worth it.

And if you are one who mustered up the courage to reach out and extend an invitation, and it got shut down or worse yet, made to feel you didn’t measure up, I’m so very sorry. As someone who once ignored the call, please try again. There may be a blooming friendship waiting four years down the road.

 

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For the One Who Is Trying to Hold On to Hope

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I’m staring at a screen as I sit in the big brown chair in our living room. On my computer is the face of a dear friend and colleague, someone I’ve worked closely with for almost a decade. I also see faces of women I’ve not met before who are part of All The Things, a group she leads.

My dear friend is walking through a hard season, as are many of the women. She reads a question submitted before the call. The exact words escape me but the gist was, “How do you have hope when you’re in the messy middle, when nothing is resolved, when you don’t know the ending?”

Ah, hope — light like a balloon, strong like steel, life-giving at times, and heart-crushing at others.

I think back to when Mark and I went through almost a decade of infertility. Every month I hoped for a baby. When that didn’t happen, I became an expert at crying in bathrooms, using too-thin toilet paper for tissue. I once yelled at pregnant cows on the side of the highway while driving home from work. “It’s not fair!” I told them, “You don’t even appreciate how easy it is for you to get pregnant!” They looked up from eating grass and stared at me, wide-eyed and likely wondering why humans are so weird.

Then God took our story in a direction I never expected. We met a young woman, Lovelle, through a local organization called Saving Grace for girls who age out of the foster system or would otherwise be homeless. God made it clear that Lovelle was the daughter He planned for us all along. She was twenty when we met, twenty-one when she changed her last name to ours. We celebrate that day in our family each year like a holiday, calling it “Gerth Day.” Lovelle met a boy, got married, and a few years later had a girl of her own. Eula, our granddaughter, was born on Gerth Day.

For so many years, I thought God’s timing was off. But He’d had it down to the day all along. Now we also have a grandson, Clement.

Going through the heartache of infertility and eventually growing our family in a way only God could orchestrate taught me about a different kind of hope.

“I think there are two kinds of hope,” I tell the women on the video call, “We can hope for. Or we can hope in.”

Hoping for involves specifics. I hoped for a baby. Hoping for is about what we want, and it can be a beautiful, powerful thing. It can also be deeply disappointing. It is a healthy part of being human; it’s just not enough to sustain our souls when nothing is going as we planned. When the pregnancy test is negative again, the story feels less like Cinderella living happily ever after with the prince and more like the wicked stepsisters sold the glass slipper on eBay.

In those times, what can see us through is hoping in. I hope in a God whose character remains the same no matter what happens. I hope in the promise that I’m part of a purpose and plan bigger than I can see. Hoping in isn’t meant to be used as a spiritual cliché or holy Band-Aid. It’s not for the faint of heart. It’s an anchor, a foundation, a still place our souls can go while the hurricane of hurt swirls around us, when the wind gusts are a hundred miles an hour and the debris of our former lives is flying through the air.

“Hoping for” may have recently drained out of you like the last bit of honey from a jar. You have a memory of what that kind of hope felt like, when you close your eyes you can still taste it sometimes, but there’s none left just now — your toast is dry as a desert. Hoping for can be both delicious and unreliable.

Hoping in, on the other hand, can be the constant that gets us through as we heal. It is something solid, stable, unchanging. “Hoping in” is not an emotion or wish, a vision or vague desire — it is a near and present comfort. “Hoping for” is about the future. “Hoping in” is about Who is real in the here and now.

I’d like to tell you that what you’re hoping for is going to come true. At the same time, I’ve lived a story with our family where I’m now so grateful all my original hopes didn’t pan out. Sometimes what we think we want and what’s truly best for us are two different things. Only God knows the difference. We can trust God with our hopes, with our fragile hearts, with our deepest hurts.

After the video call with the women ends, I sit in my brown chair a little longer and stare out the window. I think of all I have, and I feel grateful. I think of all I still desire, and I feel a familiar ache. Don’t we all live suspended between gratitude and longing when we’re healing? We sway in the wind of our feelings, trying to find surer footing.

I am hoping for better.

I’m hoping in a God who knows what’s truly best.

That is enough for this moment, enough for me to take one more step.

Are you in a hard season too? Holley’s latest devo has more hope and help for you. Get a free excerpt here!

 

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For When Life Knocks You Down

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It’s not that I remember falling out of my car or hearing that small pop as I hit the ground. It’s the feeling of utter helplessness that I can’t forget, as my body tilted backward and my eyes found the sky. And I don’t remember how I got myself up and into the driver’s seat, with knees turned out the open door, and my wrist raised to reveal it bent unnaturally.

But I remember the bend.

It all happened early one Sunday morning. I should have been on my way to worship band practice, but instead found myself calling our keyboardist who happened to work in the medical field. In minutes she would arrive, wrap my wrist in an ace bandage, and whisk me to the emergency room. 

How does a grown woman fall out of her car? Well, the whole fiasco involved a boot with loopy laces catching on the door clip in our Honda Element. (Yes, we still have the car. But I donated the boots. And, yes, I feel bad about that.) Breaking your arm as an adult is not only embarrassing but inconvenient. For two months, my life revolved around recovering, while much of who I was and what I did were put on hold. I focused on incision management, cracking eggs one-handed, and stretching until I cried. 

I (literally) dreamed of getting back to my art studio, back to the drums on Sundays, and back to showering correctly. But life pivoted in unexpected ways after my fall. I would never wear loose-laced shoes again! But more importantly, my hand would never be the same. 

When life flips like this, we tell ourselves if we can just get to the other side of the crisis, we can get back to normal. But, that’s not how life works. 

It’s more like a pinball machine, with that little metal ball rolling along on its merry way until — WHACK — a paddle flicks out and knocks the ball in a different direction. And the ball rolls on just fine until the next WHACK. 

Sound familiar? 

We all have those WHACKS — the big interruptions in life when something knocks us in an entirely new direction and we are helpless to do much about it. Besides breaking my arm, my life was irreversibly interrupted by a miscarriage, a painful career change for my husband, and clinical depression, to name a few. I know you have your list, too.

Our monastic friends are teaching me about interruptions. I’m learning that in the monastery they keep time by bells that “interrupt” their activity to order them on to the next task. And, though the bells constantly disrupt events, they keep the monastic life in balance, with room for prayer, study, leisure, work, and meals. 

“The bell is annoying,” writes Macrina Wiederkehr, a Benedictine nun, in her book, Seven Sacred Pauses. But, she also admitted, “The bell is good. I have learned to change the annoying sound of the bell into an instrument of invitation.” And she cautions us, “Hearing the bell and listening to the invitation are two different experiences.” 

So friends — might we see interruptions as invitations, believing that sometimes good comes with what we cannot change or control? Br. Paul Quenon, in his memoir, In Praise of the Useless Life, writes, “My philosophy is to let the Lord teach me by interruptions.” Now, I am coming to believe it for myself. That, truly, interruptions can infuse our lives with meaning. 

I look back to when falling out of my car knocked me like a paddle in a pinball machine. I ask myself, What invitation came wrapped in this interruption? In what ways did my soul expand while my arm sat braced and immobile? My months of recovery held the answers. For one thing, I learned that nothing in life is a given — our plans can change in an instant. Still, more importantly, I learned to receive help.

Life knocks us down sometimes. It just does. These unwanted interruptions alter our paths in painful ways. But interruptions can also be opportunities for growth and meaning. It is okay if we do not recognize the invitation at first. And it is also okay if we only understand it once we are out of the crisis. For, clarity comes when we trace the jagged lines of our lives and watch how we are shaped, what we learned, and how we expanded. These twists can do the work of God in us — if we let them — propelling us into unexpected places and, sometimes even, unexpected blessings.

 

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Knowing Your Worth

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“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

“Are you ready yet?” my dad would call out as I was staring at all the beautiful folders and notebooks at Walmart.

“Almost!” I’d shout.

I would then spend at least thirty more minutes picking out the perfect pens, pencils, notebooks, and folders for back to school. Preparing for back to school was very big for me growing up. I especially loved the moment I got my new agenda for the school year. I would have already collected tons of pictures from magazines that were “me” and saved them in a Ziplock bag, just waiting to go on the front of my new agenda. As school days got underway, I’d use my agenda to write down all my classes and homework. Oh, the satisfaction of writing “done!” next to each assignment that was complete!

Now in my thirties, life is no longer full of classes and homework, but I’m more than busy as a mom, wife, and business owner. I loved how I felt when I got my agenda as a kid but now as an adult, I have wondered how I could bring back those feelings of excitement while helping other women to do the same.

God called me to be a business owner, designer, author, and encourager (and sometimes, all in one!). I knew if I was going to create a grown-up agenda planner, it needed to be something easy and fun to write down goals, tasks, things you’re grateful for, to-dos, and even things you’d want to bring to God… so I designed just that.

Oftentimes I try to mentally recall what’s on my to-do list, and God will nudge me so I remember something important. But life can get so busy that there only seems to be enough time to get each day’s bare essentials done. It’s easy to put coming to God with our burdens or spending time with Him on the back burner. Can you relate?

Yet I’ve learned to recognize that even in the fullness of life, there are everyday moments where we can come to Him — while we’re washing dishes, folding laundry, walking to get the mail, or doing whatever work He’s called us to do. I enjoy talking to God about things while I’m driving or taking a shower; it’s peaceful and gives me space to hear from the King. Writing down our conversations with God can also help us remember and look back later to see how far we’ve come in our prayers to Him.

I feel so honored that you’re reading this today. The reason I’m here is that I answered a calling from God — something that felt so scary at the time, but I kept following His nudges step by step. I think so many of us don’t follow through with those nudges God gives us because it’s not easy or it requires change . . . and nobody likes change. But God has a purpose for us all – and we get to walk in that purpose when we are committed to listening to His voice and following His lead.

There is so much beauty in the way that God has made each of us so differently with different likes, dislikes, things we’re good at, and things we’d rather not do. Whatever you hate to do, someone else loves it, and vice versa.  If we were all teachers or doctors or gardeners, there wouldn’t be anyone else doing the things the world needs. And guess what? We all need each other, and the world needs who you were created to be with the gifts you’ve been graciously given to live out your God-given purpose.

But we can get so wrapped up in our titles, and find our worth there, instead of as a daughter of the King. I know I identify so much as a business owner and mom, and forget to realize that the same girl who loved designing for design’s sake (not work’s sake) to make my school agenda “me” is still part of who I am. God has been reminding me lately that I matter above the earthly titles I’ve been given. It’s important to remember that our worth isn’t found in what we accomplish, in our titles or labels, or in what we think others think of us. Our worth is found in Jesus!

Practice giving yourself grace this week, especially when you start to feel rushed or overwhelmed by trying to live up to the expectations you set for yourself or others have set for you. Just take a moment to breathe, then ask God to show you the one next thing He wants you to do. You are a daughter of the King! You have no one to please. He loves you just the way He designed you to be, and He wants you to replace the worry and the striving with happiness and knowing He loves you no matter what!

Devotion by Melissa Horvath

It’s so easy to get caught up in all of life’s “to-do’s” that, before we know it, we’re starting to come undone! If we’re not careful, all our running around and worry over kids and schedules and fourth-quarter sales can start to feel like an unbearably heavy pressure on our shoulders — and in our hearts.

With her beautifully designed Inspirational Productivity Journal: You are Strong & Courageous, Sweet Water Décor Founder Melissa Horvath will lift your spirits by reminding you that you are not alone. By helping you organize your weekly and daily goals, track habits, and write down what you need to give to God each day, you’ll be able to release what is out of your hands and focus on what wonderful things God has planned. With daily Scriptures and Melissa’s weekly encouragements, you’ll feel lighter and ready to face whatever comes your way.

Pick up your Inspirational Productivity Journal… and leave a comment below to enter to WIN one of five copies*!

Then tune in this weekend for a bonus episode of the (in)courage podcast as Melissa talks with Becky Keife about the Inspirational Productivity Journal!

 

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*The giveaway is open to U.S. addresses only and closes on 10/30/23 at 11:59 pm central.

You Can Start Over

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I’ll never forget when we announced to our colleagues and friends that we were leaving our jobs in the city to move to my husband’s family farm.

We were stressed out and overworked, and at the pace we were running, we knew our family would eventually pay the price if we didn’t make a change. When I told my boss we were starting over, his jaw dropped so low it could have won a limbo competition. Co-workers chided us, saying we were throwing away our potential. Friends begged us to stay. True enough, we had respectable and exciting careers, along with built-in fun every Saturday night.

But we stuck a for sale sign in the yard, packed up a moving truck, and waved goodbye to a life that – for a while  – had seemed like everything we’d dreamed of.

There were so many times in those first few months of starting over when I asked myself, “What if they were right? What if we’re making a mistake?”

It took me a lot of years to ask another question: “What if they were wrong?” Because they weren’t paying the price of burnout and stress. We were.

Here’s what I wish that someone would have told me back then:

You have permission to start over.

No matter how much pushback you get for leaving a good thing behind.
No matter how much time and money you invested in the life that is now dragging you down.
You have permission to start over.

There’s a lot of cultural resistance to starting over. The belief that you’re too old to begin again. That you’ll fall behind if you go back to square one. That you’re a “loser” if you throw in the towel.

It took me a long time to realize that starting over isn’t for losers. It’s for winners. Real winners know when to begin again. Real winners know when to walk away from something that isn’t working and move toward a clean slate. Real winners aren’t afraid to start over in a new career, a new health program, a new relationship, or a new friend group.

Do you need permission to start over? Here’s your permission slip.

Think now of Jesus’ early disciples and followers. You could say they got permission slips, straight from Jesus, to start over. But it couldn’t have been easy. They dropped their nets, left the security of family, walked away from decent jobs, and more, to follow Jesus.

I can almost see the question marks forming in the eyes of their parents, neighbors, and co-workers. I can almost imagine their chiding:

Really? But you are making a decent living.

But, son, this is your home.

But you have so much potential.

They started over anyway. And they ended up serving God’s Son because of it.

You can start over too, if God is calling you to it.

It’s actually okay to start over. In fact, it’s healthy to think through when or where you need to begin again.

Let’s normalize starting over. Let’s normalize self-advocacy. Let’s normalize boundaries. Starting over doesn’t mean giving up; it means prioritizing what truly matters.

Here’s a roadmap for starting over:

1 – Listen to your body. She’s telling you a story with the way she sleeps, eats, worries, trembles, aches.

2 – Listen to your soul. What is your soul sensing, way down deep where the Holy Spirit speaks?

3 – Listen to God’s Word. How does Scripture align with where you are in this season?

4 – Listen to trusted mentors and friends. Ask them to tell you what they see.

Isaiah 43:19 reminds us that God embraces new beginnings. “For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?”

All these years later, I look back to see the fruit that has come about as a result of stepping into our “something new.”  It wasn’t always smooth sailing, especially in the beginning, but I can say now, with deep gratitude, that God did abundantly more than we could have imagined.

It started with that scary first step of saying, “Let’s start over.”

The same is true for you. May you summon the courage within you, and around you, to take that first step into your “something new.” May you know whether it’s time to stay, or time to start over — bravely brand new — with Jesus.

 

Check out Jennifer’s groundbreaking guided journal, Stuff I’d Only Tell God, if you need help processing your past and imagining new beginnings.

 

Listen to today’s devotion below or on your fave podcast player!

When We’re Looking at Social Media, God Is Looking at This

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But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”
1 Samuel 16:7 (CSB)

Social media can create a lethal environment of comparison and competition — even, perhaps especially, when it comes to good things: a clean and organized home, happy children, eating delicious food, and serving the marginalized. It’s easy to feel insecure or inadequate.

In our constant scrolling, we might see other parents who appear to create better fall memories for their kids or seemingly perfect couples going on another dreamy getaway. We might see those with privileges we can only dream of or those who are working at a job that reflects our deepest, unfulfilled dream. Our lack may come out in anger and frustration toward those closest to us, but it doesn’t have to be that way.

We don’t have to pretend to have it all or have it all together.

What we post is inconsequential compared to the condition of our hearts. How do we treat those in our homes, our workplaces, or who stand behind us at the grocery store? What’s our attitude like when we feel irritated or inconvenienced, or when someone’s opposing opinion ruffles our feathers?

Is our default disposition one of humble compassion or snarky judgment? Are we looking out to see who’s in need or are only looking inward, hoarding everything and pushing our way to the front because we can?

How shiny anyone’s life appears to onlookers doesn’t matter. God looks at our hearts, desiring them to look more like His. May we be reflections of our kind and loving God. 

 

5 Tips for Coping with Toxic People

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God never meant for us to carry the burden of changing other people’s minds about us. He never meant for us to be responsible for other people’s emotional baggage, sin, and wounds.

I had to learn to create healthy boundaries, and I had to ask God for the courage to speak the truth to the toxic people in my life. This wasn’t easy for me. Maybe it’s not easy for you either. My father left when I was seven. My mother was not a loving person. She was verbally and emotionally abusive, always making me question my choices. My mother’s way of controlling me was to make me feel guilty, so in order to prove my love to her, I had to do X, Y, and Z.

But I have a loving heavenly Father who is rewriting those scripts. Because of Jesus, I don’t have to stay stuck in the painful and destructive patterns of my past.

Jesus meets us where we are and invites us to a new life in Him.

On my healing journey, I recognized all the ways I repeated the long-ingrained, unhealthy pattern of trying to appease toxic people. I incorrectly believed that if only I could love them and care for them more or be kinder to them, then they would stop being toxic. You can’t change another person, but you can learn healthy ways to handle hard relationships.

Here are five tips for coping with toxic people:

1. Don’t stay silent. You matter. Tell someone about the toxic person in your life.
It is not your job to protect the toxic person who has hurt you. You need to protect yourself. You are worthy to be loved. The first step to protecting your- self is to speak the truth. You’ve tried with all your might to protect that person who is wounding or has wounded you. But suffering in silence is not what our loving Savior wants for you.

2. Create boundaries. Even if you feel guilty, it does not mean you are guilty.
The toxic person wants to exert control over the narrative of your relationship and life through their words or behavior. When you create boundaries, they will become upset and say things to make you feel guilty in order to keep you within the box of your fears, inaction, and silence. Just because a toxic person accuses you of being uncaring, overly sensitive, or selfish does not make it true. You do not need to justify your boundaries. You have the freedom to set boundaries to protect your well-being.

3. Enlist support and role-play conversations.
Being assertive and speaking up for yourself with a toxic person is a new, odd, and scary experience if you’ve never been given permission to do so. Not sure what to say or where to start? That’s okay. Don’t be shy to ask a loving friend to help you write a script and role-play the boundaries conversation with you. We all need practice and support in creating new patterns of relating. That’s what I had to do.

4. Limit the time you spend with toxic people.
People who are emotionally toxic are very good at intimidation, manipulation, and gaslighting, so be gentle with yourself. It is easy to feel confused, anxious, and scared, or to freeze up when you engage with a toxic person, so limit the time you spend with them. When conversations get overwhelming, stick to stating what they did or said, how it makes you feel, and what action you will take and the changes you will make. Do not ask the toxic person for permission to enact these changes. You are not seeking agreement. You are communicating your boundaries.

5. Grieve the death of expectations and dreams.
I had to grieve the death of my expectations and dreams for the ideal friend, mentor, and mom I longed for so I could grow into the daughter of a loving heavenly Father. It’s important to God that we trust Him with the truth, even if it hurts. We experience a powerful rest when we give God the burdens we were never meant to carry.

People sometimes ask me if I’ve forgiven my mother for the decades of verbal and emotional abuse. I have done the hard work of grieving and healing. I have forgiven my mother. She was my whole life, and I love her more than anyone may understand.

While forgiveness takes one person, reconciliation takes two. Loving our parent, spouse, friend, mentor, or pastor does not mean open borders to toxicity, fear, intimidation, or manipulation. We can begin to make different choices that are healthy for ourselves and that break old, hurtful patterns. We can stop being enablers for hurtful people in our lives so that they, too, can face the truth of their brokenness with God.

– by Bonnie Gray, excerpted from Come Sit With Me

Listen to Bonnie read her whole chapter, How to Deal with Toxic People, from our book, Come Sit With Me: How to Delight in Differences, Love Through Disagreements, and Live with Discomfort  There’s something so special about hearing the words read by the author who penned their story.

Listen here and then share what encouraged you most!

How Life’s Heat Points Us Heavenward

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My middle daughter popped her head through the door on that Friday night. I was just melting into bed after a very full week.

“Could you take me to the hot air balloon festival in the morning?” she asked, her toffee-brown eyes shining. “I want to take some photos.”

As much as I wanted to sleep in, I have a practice of saying yes to as many opportunities as I can that involve quality time with my tween and teen daughters. It’s a sweet privilege when they invite me in.

“Sounds amazing,” I replied, stifling a yawn. “Can you help me set an alarm so I get up in time?”

After what seemed like just a few minutes, the blare of my alarm was urging me to rise. Bleary-eyed, I pulled on a pumpkin-colored fleece and a pair of jeans and headed downstairs. My girl was ready and waiting with her camera case, backpack, and water bottle.

My daughter recently joined the photojournalist staff for her high school newspaper. As a freshman, she’s learning from the newspaper adviser, who is also a professional photographer, how to take photos. The hot air balloon festival presented the perfect opportunity to try out the manual settings on the fancy school camera and put her artistic eye to good use.

Hundreds of people filtered into the rodeo grounds before dawn in hopes of getting a glimpse of the massive balloons going up. I planted my lawn chair in front of one of the trucks that held a rainbow-checked hot air balloon.

While my daughter flitted around and took in the sights through the long lens of the camera, I sat back and observed. I smiled at a baby girl dancing in her onesie pajamas and some elementary-aged boys playing chase. The sun began to peek out from the horizon. Lemon-yellow light warmed the sky, illuminating the clouds against the cornflower-blue backdrop. Soon the spaces around me were packed with couples and families who had gathered like us to watch the launching of the balloons.

We heard a low roar – the sound of the balloon burners igniting. I did a little research and the burners are the most important part of the hot air balloon and typically run on propane. Those burners kick out a 15-20 foot flame that heats up the air inside the balloon. Hot air balloons work because heat rises. When the air inside the balloon is heated, it becomes less dense than the cooler air on the outside. This causes the balloon to float upwards. Hot air balloons don’t need engines like airplanes because of this phenomenon.

The huge balloon in front of me lay limp on the ground like a parachute. Slowly, ever-so-slowly, the balloon filled with heated air and took on more of a round, robust shape. People got inside the basket tethered to the bottom of the balloon. Then we watched the balloons launch one by one.

Photo Credit: Giada Gilmore Young

I couldn’t help but marvel at this magical sight of balloons bobbing toward heaven.

It was also not lost on me that heat propelled the balloons upward. Just like the hot air balloons, it is so often the fire in life that becomes the catalyst for movement and causes us to look up.

In the Bible, Peter encourages believers to have endurance through suffering and trials. He reminds us not to be surprised by the heat and pressure: “Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed” (1 Peter 4:12-13 NIV).

In life, it’s not a question if we will encounter trials; it’s about when we encounter them.

Life’s challenges can cause us to sink or to soar.

People like Ruth, Naomi, Hagar, Joseph, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego knew what it felt like to literally and figuratively stand in the fire. Ruth and Naomi weathered great grief and loss. Hagar wandered into the wilderness when she was pregnant to escape the heat of her mistress. Joseph was sold into slavery by his own brothers. Shadrach, Meschach, and Abednego were tossed into a fiery furnace for refusing to bow to the king’s image. Each one of them grew resilience and faith in the crucible of challenge.

As I watched my daughter taking pictures of the hot air balloons, I also felt reflective about the ways my girl has experienced heat in these last several years. There was a time when we would call her our “tissue-paper girl.” She was so fragile and fraught with emotion after her daddy soared to heaven nine years ago. And who could blame her? He died when she was five. In more recent years, my daughter has faced several “fiery” trials including deep disappointments at school, changing friendships, and chronic back pain.

I also see how the heat has burned resilience in her. She’s learned to lean on Jesus in ways I never imagined she would. I often catch her at night reading her Bible in bed. She’s become a leader among her peers. And she’s grown a confidence that comes through her relationship with Christ. She’s teaching her mama to hold on through life’s challenges.

The balloons glow in the incandescent morning light. My girl and I lift our heads from the heat to the heavens. And hope floats.

Dorina helps women discover God’s glory in unexpected places. Subscribe to Dorina’s Glorygram here for details about her new book, Breathing Through Grief.

 

Listen to today’s devotion below or wherever you stream podcasts.

God’s Word Is Honest and True (no hidden fine print)

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For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God; they are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus. God presented him as the mercy seat by his blood, through faith, to demonstrate his righteousness, because in his restraint God passed over the sins previously committed. God presented him to demonstrate his righteousness at the present time, so that he would be just and justify the one who has faith in Jesus.
Romans 3:23-26 CSB

Not long after we bought our first home, we discovered that the promise of a home warranty wasn’t nearly as great as we hoped. While we anticipated some immediate repairs, like the roof and fridge, we were in no way prepared to replace the boiler. Both the inspector and former homeowner never indicated there was any problem. We realized after it was too late that the leak between the chambers of the aging unit was the source of the water stain on the floor.

We were duped, not only by what we didn’t know to look for but also by the fine print. The promise of a home warranty led us to believe that should the boiler fail within a year of purchase, we’d have the whole replacement covered. Ah. Not so. See, the fine print in that warranty said, “Up to $1,500.00.” Do you know how much it costs to replace a boiler system? I hope you’re sitting down because ours cost over $8,000, and that was not the most expensive quote.

As I reflect upon how unprepared we were to be homeowners and the financial strain of owning a house, it often makes me think of God and the promise of salvation. I know that may seem odd, but stick with me for a minute.

When it comes to God and His Word, there is no hidden fine print that will jump up to bite us in the you-know-what.

His Word, when it is revealed to us by the Holy Spirit, is honest and true. We may not understand His ways, but we can always count on God to be faithful and true. He is never changing and always full of loving kindness.

Unlike owning a house and not knowing what it will really cost to maintain it until you’re in the thick of it, God takes care of all the charges when we choose to enter into a relationship with Him.

He bought us at a price, through the death of His Son, Jesus Christ, and He makes a way for us to be right with Him. To us, this is a free gift. To God, it cost everything.

With owning a house, there’s always this sense of, “Oh no, what’s going to break next and what will it cost us?” But with God, there is the promise of eternity, no matter what the earthly strain might be. In Christ, we have full confidence that the price has been paid for our eternal salvation.

Devotion by Elisa Pulliam, as published in the CSB (in)courage Devotional Bible

The CSB (in)courage Devotional Bible is an invitation for all women to find their stories within the tapestry of the greatest Story ever told — God’s Story of Redemption! Featuring devotions by over one hundred writers from the (in)courage community, the CSB (in)courage Devotional Bible provides resources for women to explore the Bible, dive deep into Scripture, record their own stories, and find themselves among friends. Readers will experience Scripture in new ways in the company of women willing to “go first” with everyday stories that bear witness to God’s grace in finding beauty in brokenness and hope in the hard.

The (in)courage Bible just celebrated her sixth birthday. . . and now has two beautiful brand new cover options! Along with the original covers, you can now also choose from the gorgeous Bordeaux purple or this lovely Sage green. Both leathertouch, both stunning. We’re so excited that this Bible continues to speak to hearts, that our own devotions alongside God’s Word continue to encourage, and that the reading plans, deep dives into featured women, and reflection questions continue to inspire.

Pick up your new (in)courage Bible today. . . and leave a comment to WIN a new one for yourself!

We’d love to hear what the (in)courage Bible has meant to you if you have one, and if you don’t, we’d love to know what you’re drawn to about it.

 

Listen to today’s devotion at the player below or wherever you stream podcasts.

*The giveaway is open to U.S. addresses only and closes on 10/23/23 at 11:59 p.m. central.

Overcoming Our Natural Instinct to Resist Correction

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When writing, I’m private about my work. Even though it eventually goes out into the world in a book or an article, if someone walks into the room while I’m writing, I’ll put my computer to sleep or shut my laptop. While working on my first novel, however, I recognized and accepted the need for feedback along the way. I didn’t want to invest months creating a book that wouldn’t appeal to the reader.

Although I haven’t found a critique partner, my husband and a friend from church are my first readers, sharing their observations as I write. I place new chapters in an old black binder, trading them back and forth on Sundays with my friend, or emailing them as an ePub file to our Kindle for my husband to read.

My friend annotates the pages before passing them back. If she says something’s corny, I strike a sentence with no regrets. If she marks a passage as “confusing,” I rewrite it for clarity. If she draws a smiley face or underlines a phrase and writes, “Love this!” I mentally high-five myself. 

She once explained she hadn’t left notes on a chapter because she was caught up in the story, reading fast to see what would happen next. That made my day.

I receive my friend’s suggestions well and eagerly apply them to my work.

It seems, however, I respond less favorably to my husband’s criticism.

I’m not sure why. Maybe I see myself as the documenter and him as the doer, and question whether he can know more than me in my field. I would never correct the way he organizes a spreadsheet (he’s a master), changes the brakes in our cars, or mows the lawn. I should respect his suggestions as a reader, but I get defensive.

My husband operates in a world ruled by facts, while I’m more open to creative license. When I wrote that the smell of honeysuckle evoked memories of childhood summer days for one of my characters, my husband said, “I thought he was from the north. Does honeysuckle grow there?”

“I don’t know. His mother was from South Carolina. Maybe it was at his grandparents’ house,” I said, bristling the way I often do when he critiques my writing. Afterward, I spent a ridiculous amount of time researching varieties of honeysuckle and where they grow, determined not to kill my darlings. (FYI: To “kill your darlings” means eliminating something in your writing you worked hard to create — and especially like — if it doesn’t add to the story or serve your reader.)

Recently, my pastor preached on 1 and 2 Corinthians. In 1 Corinthians, Paul wrote a scathing rebuke to the church at Corinth, urging them to address major problems in the church: divisions, sexual misconduct, and confusion concerning the resurrection. He wanted them to accept the Lord’s authority in their lives. In 2 Corinthians, Paul rejoiced when he heard most of the church accepted his correction and repented.

“Even if I caused you sorrow by my letter, I do not regret it. Though I did regret it — I see that my letter hurt you, but only for a little while — yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance.”
2 Corinthians 7:8-9 (NIV)

My pastor noted that most people resist correction and take a defensive posture or deflect when someone points out their faults or sins. I may have sighed as I scribbled “honeysuckle” in the margin of my notes. Something as small as a shrub can raise my defenses.

My cousin, a minister, once remarked he didn’t like some parts of the Bible because they didn’t like him. It’s in our nature to resist instruction or resent correction. Ask any parent of small (or any other size) children, and they’ll agree. “No” is often a toddler’s first or favorite word.

The above verses penned by Paul to the church at Corinth illustrate his pleasure in their willingness to accept correction. Most times when you and I receive feedback from others, it won’t involve such serious matters. Whether it comes from a friend or stranger, someone at work, church, or a family member, discern whether the criticism is constructive or mean-spirited and if following it is in your best interest.

It’s certainly easier to accept praise than correction from my friend and my husband, my first readers, but if they hesitate to offer feedback for fear of hurting my feelings, I won’t learn or grow as a writer. And if I establish a pattern of refusing advice from the people in my life, they’ll no longer offer it and I won’t learn or grow as a person. The way I react to criticism and feedback is up to me, but I must choose wisely, not defensively.

“The ear that listens to life-giving reproof
    will dwell among the wise.
Whoever ignores instruction despises himself,
    but he who listens to reproof gains intelligence.”
Proverbs 15:31-32 (ESV)

You may not be writing a novel and hearing a fact-focused husband question your choice of fragrant shrub, but chances are someone’s giving you feedback on an area of your life and their observations or questions make you bristle. Will you automatically discount their critique because it’s uncomfortable to hear, uncomfortable to apply? 

Or will you ask God to give you an open and discerning spirit, humble and tender to the kind of correction that will ultimately help you grow?

Lord, please help us choose the latter.

 

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Tired Tuesdays, Honest Texts, and Remembering You’re Not Alone

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I leaned against the kitchen sink and sighed so loud that my baby fern on the nearby windowsill shuddered.

It was Tuesday morning and I was already DONE for the week. Not done according to my work calendar or my to-do list or my kids’ sports schedules. But my body and mind were done. My energy and creativity — gone. My belief in my ability to move through this intense season – finito. My resolve to keep on keeping on – crispy around every frayed edge. (And not the good kind of melted cheese-on-potatoes crispy. The kind that leaves a bitter, burnt taste in your mouth.)

I glanced at the sink brimming with last night’s dishes. I listened to the hum of the washing machine re-washing the load of towels I forgot to move into the dryer two days ago. I felt the tightness in my chest… realized I was holding my breath… and exhaled long and slow.

Jesus, I need You. Every hour I need You.

I headed back to my desk to tackle the project that was tangling my mind and knotting up my neck. Then I heard in my spirit, I am here for you. I will meet your needs. You don’t have to walk this journey alone.

Alone. How often do we slip into the mental silo of believing we are all alone? Believing no one understands our struggles, no one is able (or willing) to help shoulder our responsibilities, no one sees how hard we’re trying. Maybe no one cares?

When we rehearse the refrain of “no one,” we are automatically excluding the most important Someone!

God is SUPER clear about the reality of His relentless presence:

“Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you.”
Deuteronomy 31:8 NLT

“Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.
Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you.
I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.”
Isaiah 41:10 NLT

“I will be your God throughout your lifetime—
until your hair is white with age.
I made you, and I will care for you.
I will carry you along and save you.”
Isaiah 46:4 NLT

We never need to worry about being alone. What we need is greater awareness of God’s presence.

He’s already here! When you’re sleep-deprived from middle-of-the-night feedings or toddler nightmares, when you’re overwhelmed by more work duties piled on your overflowing plate, when you’re crushed by a relationship you can’t fix – God is with you.

The power, the goodness, the faithfulness of His presence never leave us! “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed” (Psalm 34:8). Hallelujah!

Not only does God promise to walk with us, but He also designed us to walk with others. He created us (and commands us) to weep together and rejoice together, break bread together, and build each other up. When the Spirit lovingly whispered, I am here for you. I will meet your needs. You don’t have to walk this journey alone, it was also the reminder I needed to invite others to walk this stretch of the road with me.

I grabbed my phone and opened a group text with three dear friends. In black little letters, I poured out my heart about all the things that were weighing me down. The technical glitches with my new business. The extra family expenses, financial pressure, and added work to make it all work. “…there just aren’t enough hours in the day,” I texted.

“I KNOW it’s all in God’s hands and every day I’m asking Him to lead me by His strength and not my own. But if I’m honest, I feel on the edge of burnout and overwhelm… and I just can’t afford to be there. Will you please pray for peace and clarity and productivity (and rest) in the measure I need it?”

Just writing those words made my soul exhale.

Then the bing of replies began. My sister-friends assuring me that I am seen. I am prayed for. I am loved. My friend, Sara, was also quick to offer dinner any time I needed it that week. Again, Hallelujah!

A couple of days later, I pulled up to Sara’s house on my way between shuttling one son to soccer practice and another to baseball. I walked into the most amazing aroma! “It’s your lemon chicken orzo soup!” she explained. In addition to nourishing homemade soup, Sara had cut-up cantaloupe, a fresh salad, baguettes warm from the oven, cold sparkling waters, and peanut butter ice cream sandwiches to boot!

“This is so beautiful and generous I could cry! Thank you!” I said, tears already welling in my eyes as I hugged my friend.

“I was talking to someone on the phone as I was making dinner,” Sara said. “I shared what I was doing and how it’s a gift to me that I can come alongside you. I told my friend, ‘I will never write a book or host a podcast like Becky, but I can make her dinner, and in doing so be part of the work God is doing through her.’ So thank YOU for letting me help.”

Cue the floodgates.

THIS, my friends, is the power of not alone.

Soup and salad didn’t change all my circumstances, but they did buoy my heart and my hope, and pointed me back to the One whose presence changes everything.

The kindness of a friend is always a reflection of the kindness of God. Open yourself up to His kindness today by sharing your struggles with someone. God delights in meeting your every need.

If you need to see more of God’s kindness and the power of the Holy Spirit at work in your life, check out Becky’s book, The Simple Difference: How Every Small Kindness Makes a Big Impact.

 

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God Gives Grace to the Grumpy

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After a fabulous weekend at several women’s events, I began my return trip home with a tired body, but a happy heart. However, a run-in with a cranky person on the way to the airport was an interaction that shook my sunny mood. I pressed on and fought to recapture my positive attitude. As I hustled through the airport, I scanned the busy concourse for a place to eat. I glanced at my phone. Time was running short, and the lines were long. I let out a huff. There was no way that my lemon cookie and cilantro lime plantain chips would sustain me on my flight home.

Then, I heard her. From a little place inside my heart, my inner grumpy girl woke up and started to whine:

Are you telling me that we’re about to fly cross-country with no food?

We’re so tired, we need to eat!

Do you have an inner grumpy girl? My inner grumpy girl wakes up whenever I’m tired, hungry, and frustrated. She complains a lot, assumes the worst, and is fond of saying, “That’s not fair!” She’s like my own little inner Eeyore. I try to pretend that she’s not there, but on days like that airport day, grumpy girlfriend was large and in charge.

I grew up believing that good Christians were never grumpy. That belief made me miserable. During my early parenting and early career years, I often walked around with a painful happy hallelujah smile slapped on my face because I thought that being grumpy was a bad Christian witness.

Gratefully, God allows us to peek into the good, the bad, and the grumpy lives of our scriptural heroes. It’s here that we can see our gracious God at work.

In 1 Kings 19, God cares for Elijah, a prophet having a grumpy, hard day. Rather than criticize Elijah’s exasperation and negativity, God cares for him, and we see God’s gift of love and grace.

Earlier in the day, God used Elijah to defeat hundreds of false prophets and shame an evil king and queen. However, the post-victory backlash ended in a threat against Elijah’s life, sending God’s prophet on the run to escape. After a day traveling alone with his thoughts, Elijah ended up in the wilderness, sitting under a broom tree. He was tired, discouraged, and hungry, basically hitting the Grumpy Trifecta.

“I have had enough, Lord,” he said.
1 Kings 19:4 NLT

Have you ever said, “I’ve had enough, God”? That’s what we say after we repeat ourselves dozens of times to our kids, deal with uncooperative customers, or run into more obstacles with health insurance.

While those five words can be a complaint, “I’ve had enough, Lord” can also be a prayer inviting God’s grace into your life.

We see this grace reflected in God’s response to Elijah. After this verse, there are three gifts of grace that Elijah receives:

Then he lay down and slept under the broom tree. But as he was sleeping, an angel touched him and told him, “Get up and eat!” He looked around and there beside his head was some bread baked on hot stones and a jar of water! So he ate and drank and lay down again.
1 Kings 19:5-6 NLT

God gave Elijah the grace of SLEEP.

When my kids were growing up, we had a saying at our house: “The best way to make a bad day go away is to take a nap.” God created us to go to sleep so that our bodies could regroup. Sometimes, the difference between grumpy and a better mood is a quick nap or not cheating yourself out of a full night’s sleep. Sleep is grace because it restores you without you having to do any work to make it happen. Sometimes, you can rescue a bad day with a nap. Here’s your permission to take one.

God sent Elijah the grace of SUSTENANCE.

Elijah’s battle with the false prophets required stamina and strength. There’s no indication in the scriptural text that he had anything to eat. He needed food. How many of us forget to eat or don’t feed ourselves when it’s a long, hard day? A good healthy snack to take care of the body God gave you is just as spiritual as saying a prayer.

 God gave Elijah the grace of STILLNESS.

After Elijah ate, he went back to sleep. He didn’t jump up and start moving again. While there was work waiting to be done, Elijah needed sleep and rest. Rest is stopping and leaving space for our hearts, minds, and souls to reconnect with each other. Much of our grumpiness happens when we feel scattered, and none of the different parts of how we are feeling are connected to each other.

Stillness is a grace because it gives you the gift of drawing closer to God. He wants you to receive His grace as a healing balm for your grumpiness, and the more of His grace you receive, the more His glory shines through you.

If you’ve been feeling grumpy lately, which gift of grace do you need to receive from God? I love that we have a God who gives grace to the grumpy; all we need to do is receive it.

 

Listen to today’s article below or wherever you stream podcasts!

Good News for the Sorrowful and Weary Ones

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Death wrapped its ropes around me;
the terrors of the grave overtook me.
I saw only trouble and sorrow.
Then I called on the name of the Lord:
“Please, Lord, save me!”
How kind the Lord is! How good he is!
So merciful, this God of ours!
The Lord protects those of childlike faith;
I was facing death, and he saved me.
Let my soul be at rest again,
for the Lord has been good to me.
He has saved me from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling.
And so I walk in the Lord’s presence
as I live here on earth!
Psalm 116:3-9 (NLT)

Everywhere we look today, there seems to only be trouble and sorrow. Loss, both big and small, has left bruises that won’t soon go away, and many of us continue to experience overwhelming waves of grief. And where is God in the middle of all this?

He is here. Psalm 116:9 says that we walk in His presence here on earth. He is not far away from our pain. He doesn’t stand at a distance, watching us suffer. God is in our midst, and in His mercy, He will come and save us. We can rest in His presence even when the turmoil doesn’t relent, even when there is no peace in our hearts or our homes, and even when we are misunderstood and dismissed. God is kind and good. He can lead our souls to rest in Him.

Lord, help us to believe. Amen.

 

How to Stay Tender When Your Relationship Is Falling Apart

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I look back on that time in our marriage, and the memories still sting my heart like tiny cactus needles. We survived falling apart, but mending the mess was a slow, pain-filled process. We recognized how we had intentionally hidden parts of ourselves, assuming the other person wouldn’t understand and would therefore reject us. We noticed our patterns of communication, paid attention to what triggered our pain points, and examined the beliefs we had about ourselves, each other, and the world. We faithfully attended our therapy sessions, which included lots of tears, occasional yelling, and working through the same problems again and again.

I often wondered, then, if it was worth it — worth being in the marriage, worth putting in the effort for an outcome I wasn’t guaranteed, worth keeping at it when I couldn’t even imagine what a future together might look like. And the only thing that kept me grounded was the redeeming power of the gospel. If miraculous and impossible things can happen in Christ, such as resurrection from the dead, surely there was hope for us in our marriage. Surely we could change for the better, and it would be worth it to wait and see what God might do.

In Matthew 19:26, Jesus says, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Though this verse has been used too flippantly in the church as a way to gloss over difficult circumstances, during that season of marital hardship, I held on to it for the promise that it is. It anchored me in hope, giving me the sustenance I needed to try and commit to our marriage for another day, another month, another year.

Mending a marriage or any other relationship is not always possible, but when it is, the hardest part can be doing the simplest things, like having a conversation, asking questions, and staying curious about the other person to get to know them better.

Isn’t that what we all want? To be fully known? Wholly seen?

Even though my husband has thoughts and emotions beyond what he shows, it’s difficult for him to access them and find the words to express them. By asking him directly about his feelings, I give him the opportunity to stay present with himself, figure out how to describe what he’s feeling, and then verbalize his thoughts to me. By asking questions, I open the door for him to take up space, be himself as much as possible, and create connections between us.

The questions will vary based on different relationships and situations, but the key to asking the right ones is to stay curious, which is different from being nosy. Curiosity keeps us tender to each other’s humanity.

When we don’t know someone, it’s easy to dehumanize them and treat them as if they’re an object made for our judgment. We can make assumptions about their character, their background, their family, their life, and feel justified as we do so. But when we stay curious, we keep their humanity in view. Curiosity helps us remember that the person we share a home with and the acquaintance on Facebook are both individuals made and loved by God. We may not agree or have the same values. We may never become close with that other mom at school or that neighbor across the street, but we can genuinely care for one another. We might even find that we laugh at the same things or have similar passions. We might learn we have a shared pain or we’re on a similar journey in life. And perhaps then, even when all hope feels lost, we can take small steps toward mending the gaps created by our differences.

 

This story from Grace P. Cho is an excerpt from our book, Come Sit with Me: How to Delight in Differences, Love through Disagreements, and Live with Discomfort. In this book, 26 of our (in)courage writers help you navigate tough relational tensions by revealing their own hard-fought, grace-filled learning moments (like in Grace’s story above).

Whether you’re in the middle of a conflict without resolution or wondering how to enter into a friend’s pain, Come Sith With Me will serve as a gentle guide. Discover how God can work through your disagreements, differences, and discomfort in ways you might never expect.

Want to hear Grace read her full chapter? Click here.

 

Sometimes You Just Need to Scream

by

I sat on the bedroom floor encircled by books, lined paper, colored pencils, and my daughter, Noelle. Stacks of crisp notebooks and newly opened crayon boxes were eagerly unwrapped as if a new school year was like Christmas morning. Noelle was organizing her new gifts beside me. Starting middle school was a big deal and she felt the weight and anticipation of the transition. She read the directions on how to set up her class notebook and I saw her face turning red. Her aggravation grew as she couldn’t seem to get the paper to fit in the three silver rings of her binder. In frustration, she slammed her stuff on the floor beside me.

I talked her through a few deep breaths and she tried again. Within seconds, she screamed. I was taken aback by her overreaction to this small task — and now I had to remind myself to breathe. With all the patience I could muster, I softened my voice and tried to explain how she needed to calm down. She tried again. This time, hot tears slipped out of her eyes, intensifying her feelings.

“It doesn’t make any sense!” she screamed. With that, she threw her new things across the room, jumped in bed, grabbed a pillow, and yelled into it with all her might.

Then the strangest thing happened. Without forethought or consideration, I screamed too. I wasn’t angry at her. I wasn’t mad. But from my gut, I screamed. It felt almost like a release. I looked at Noelle and said, “Sometimes you just have to scream.” She buried her head back in the pillow and unleashed her pain once again. This time I grabbed a pillow and followed her lead. After a few seconds, she wiped her tears, looked at me soberly, and picked up her discarded notebook. Now, instead of cramming the paper and dividers onto the loops, she took her time and they slid on perfectly.

I’ve rehearsed this experience over and over in my mind for the past several weeks. It has made me really reflect on anger. I can weep with a friend. I can laugh with my kids. I can sit with my husband in his fear, but I have never considered “being with” another in their rage.

I grew up in a home and church culture where anger was bad, scary, and even sinful. I grew up understanding anger to be an emotion to avoid or get rid of as quickly as possible. But Scripture never says that anger is evil. The warning in the Bible is: ”Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil” (Ephesians 4:26-27 ESV).

Anger isn’t wrong, it’s actually an emotion that is welcomed in Scripture. But, the truth is, anger feels scary. I feel out of control when I get mad. When other people are angry, I feel my own fear. But the next part of this passage is such a beautiful invitation from God. I have always understood, “Do not let the sun go down on your anger,” to mean, fix or resolve your anger before the day ends. Paul isn’t saying to get rid of your anger and fast. He is saying to process your anger. Don’t suppress it by putting it down like the sun goes down. Instead, process your frustration and pain. Work it out. In other words, be angry. If you don’t let your anger come out, the Devil can get a foothold in your life. Unprocessed anger is a place where the enemy can sneak in and destroy.

I found this to be such an incredible invitation from God. I don’t need to quiet my anger or the anger of those around me, I need to be with others in this intense emotion. I need to let myself feel my frustration. I need to let myself be bothered. I need to let others have their anger too. But, don’t sin. Don’t act out in such a way that harms another or myself.

That day when I screamed with my daughter, something happened to both of us. She didn’t need to breathe more or exercise self-control. She needed to scream and get her frustration out of her body. When I screamed with her, she felt less alone and probably less afraid. Sometimes you just need to scream. You need to pound the steering wheel, shatter the plate, or yell into a pillow.

So when I feel agitation boiling up with me, I find ways to release it that won’t cause harm. I find ways to get what I feel out of me. Sometimes I release my anger with words, deep breaths, or shouts in the shower. On good days, I invite others into my anger as well. Recently, my youngest child was having a fit. Noelle quickly ran into the other room and grabbed a pillow for her to scream in.

And remember this: God is with us, especially in our anger.

 

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